My husband and I are both 33 and have a 6 year old daughter. We lived with my in laws and regrettably had my daughter early on in the relationship. I didn’t know how controlling they are. They pushed us out about 3 years ago when we weren’t financially ready. They were supposed to increase the days we had with her. Instead they didn’t. My husband didn’t care. We had money problems but I didn’t know where to go to for help. My parents were supposed to have meetings with my in laws- to prevent this becoming a mess. But all they cared about was themselves. We couldn’t afford the place. My in laws lied and filed for custody. I desperately want my daughter back. It has been 3 years of empty promises of getting my daughter back. Everyday is a screaming match. Please help
156 Replies
Its actually none of your business, she will share what she feels comfortable to share. You obviously don't understand coercive control and trauma
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I am also pregnant with a second child right now. I’m too far along and can’t just get a job right now. This is what happens when family don’t care and you have no support. No one to say “ I think that’s a really bad idea, don’t do it”. I don’t know why my therapist didn’t encourage me to terminate and leave. I want to ask him this.
Your therapist can’t tell you what to do. They can’t tell you to terminate and they can’t tell you to leave your husband. That would be unethical.
They can ask you what you want, they can help give you coping mechanisms for life, they can be a sounding board for your own decision making.
Stop expecting other people to do things for you, to make decisions for you. It’s your job to make decisions about YOU. Only you can do that.
I just wanted them to help me make better decisions, since my family don’t care about each other.
"This is what happens when family don’t care and you have no support."
You are in your 30s. Enough. Seriously. It's not up to your family, your therapist or whoever to tell you what to do. Oh and neither the therapist or a family member can tell you to terminate your pregnancy.
You are your own individual. Instead of sorting out your daughter and your life, you are bringing another child into this mess. Is this why you are having yelling matches with your in-laws? Because they are shit scared about your two having another baby together?
I find it incredibly bizarre that you are always blaming other people for your decision making.
Mind boggles. I'm so sorry for your daughter.
Did you seriously just say that you're pregnant again because nobody told you it was a bad idea?
You're in your mid thirties.
You're the mother of a 6 year old little girl that you haven't parented for a day of her whole life. Who you have legally lost custody of for whatever reason.
It's YOU that has to tell yourself it's a bad idea.
What are your thoughts on:
Where are you living? Is it suitable for a baby, a toddler, a child.
Can you financially afford a baby?
Are you capable of doing it on your own? You already know your husband doesn't want it. You already know your parents expect you to be able to fend for yourself at your age. You already know your inlaws have no confidence whatsoever in your ability. So can you successfully do it on your own?
The fact you haven't mentioned any of these worries me. Have you considered any one of them?
I’m not yelling at my in laws. With my husband as I stated in the original post.
You he doesn’t want your first child, your pregnant again because obviously that a great idea. You fight everyday, yelling, screaming ect, financially can’t cope, and can’t act like adults or make any decisions with being told so by your mum? Yeah I wouldn’t be giving your first child back either, I would how ever report you to dhs and gain custody of your second child as soon as it’s born, and I really hope your in-laws do that for the sake of both these kids
Sounds like family domestic violence to me... just sayin
Not necessarily. I think it's no ability to make a decision and letting everyone else direct everything.
Out of fear.
When you make your own decisions you have to take responsibility for them, OP has the misguided belief that by not making a decision she can pass blame for undesirable results.
As we all know though, that choice to not make decisions is a backwards decision in itself and leaves OP solely in the centre of those "why have you allowed this" questions.
Every decline has come about by an ending outside of her control and no action towards a new direction. Kind of like a fisherman bobbing in a tinny - just bob bob bobbing out to sea because no-one said "don't go too far".
We all know that as modern women we have the ability and the responsibility to make those decisions that affect our families, OP lacks that knowledge or skill and despite being pointed in the right direction about 6ish weeks ago is obviously still not ready to accept it.
Speak to a social worker at the hospital. You may also loose custody if this child since you have lost custody of one already.
If you really want her back do it!
1 - leave your husband
2 - get a job
3 - get a house
4 - do parenting classes
5 - get a lawyer
Stop blaming everyone and take some responsibility.
I’m also in Victoria, so spent a large part of this year in lockdown. It’s not like the courts were actually open or anything.
How long have your daughters grand parents had legal custody?
But she’s 6 not 6 months? You can’t blame Covid when it didn’t exist for most of the time you’re talking about
You had another pregnancy at 33 because no body told you it was a bad idea.
Your obviously not mentally capable of looking after the first child you left behind for your in-laws to raise.
Don’t use covid as an excuse, you had 3 years to sort this out, and 6 years to sort your living arrangements out.
If you can’t mother at child at your age, then you should be sterilised.
No wonder your in-laws are mad, you will not raise this child, it will be up to them to do it again! And I can see why your family won’t help you. You are a lost cause that had an inability to take responsibility for your own actions! Your are acting like a child and I actually wonder about your mental capacity.
And in an abusive relationship she's chosen to stay over providing a safe environment for her kids. Fair enough she may not understand or feel able to make that choice, but the consequence is that the innocent child will be removed.
I wonder about her capability as well. Which is why I continue to comment, thinking she needs an advocate but doesn't have the wits to know this or get herself one. Very frustrating.
I didn’t dump her on my in laws. We had an agreement and they went back on their word.
I feel like you’re completely missing the point. I didn’t want them to raise my child at all. They went back on their word and made various lies about me. I was always capable of looking after her.
105 comments and you still don’t understand that YOU ARE THE ISSUE! it’s nobody else’s fault you don’t have custody! YOU DID THIS!!!!!!!
Like trying to reason with a child
You just have to be trolling to say that. You think we miss the point? Still going back 3 years to when you had your kid tricked off you because you didnt realise you had to actively parent to keep custody?
You shouldnt be in your situation right now. A child definitely shouldn't be.
It's been 3 years. This post is exactly the same as the last one. Zero progress. Zero change. Just stuck on that one thing.
OP to try to get some different information from you, can you tell us about you, without mentioning your in-laws, family, husband.
How was school, did you finish, did you struggle, what's your work history like, how well do you handle finances, for things like buying a car, going on a holiday, paying rent, whats your relationship history before this one. Thanks.
Well I did well in school, got good grades. I stayed in a job I hated for too long though. I was always reliable and hard working. I did a lot over time. I’ve always stayed within my means, financially. I’ve never been in debt. I dated a bit before this. The only other serious relationship I had lasted a year. He broke up with me out of the blue, by text. Never gave me any clue he was unhappy. It had nothing but insults and he said he was just using me all along. I’m glad I’m not with this jerk anymore.
What type of work did you do?
How long did you work at the one you hated?
Did you change jobs or just leave?
Never being in debt isn't a bad thing but it does throw up some red flags at the bank because you're an "unknown" risk. I had very minimal personal debt before applying for anything bigger like a car loan or home loan. I financed a fridge and had a Myer card that I used twice a year to buy my skin care. It was enough to be in the good books.
Do you have a car? A licence?
A pet?
Do you both have a house now? Or unit, or share house?
Tell me to piss off if it's too personal but I think this one might explain a bit about your situation - why are you married?
You say you had your daughter very early in the relationship which suggests you either married right after meeting him without even knowing him, or you married him after she was born despite knowing what he was like.
Is it a cultural thing, personal beliefs, wishful thinking of a happily ever after?
Well I didn’t know you could lie IN COURT about someone including that they take drugs (I never have) and win custody.
Being a drug addict is easily disproved in court. But again your blaming the court system, and taking no accountability
I don’t think anybody has lied about you, I feel you have a lot of issues that you refuse to acknowledge or fix. I feel you cope and get by in life by shifting blame or purposely playing dumb. I feel you weren’t coping as a parent, I mean if you worked and have never been in debt then there is no reason that you would have needed to live with in-laws for 3 years to become financially stable. Between having a partner and you either working or claiming benefits, it’s impossible to be that broke. You NEEDED three years to set up a place for yourself and child. What were you doing in those three years? Working? You at 33 you rely on your own mother to play your advocate and talk to your mil about your child. Again we’re is your accountability? You say your in-laws refuses to let you have more time with your daughter, did you have a house? Food? A bed for her? Clothing? Money? Transport? Could you and your husband be trusted to not have screaming matches in front of her?. Now to add to the mix you are pregnant again because your mum didn’t tell you at 33 to use protection? Did he rape you? Force you to stop taking contraception? No? Then this baby was a choice, a silly choice given the situation you have made for yourself, but a choice none the less. Have you considered that at birth you may also lose custody of this child. Are you aware dhs can walk into your room and removed your baby from your care. It can and does happy regularly. I actually feel sorry for everybody involved but you and your husband in this cluster fuck you have created.
Thanks OP. So you're a smart cookie that's happy with a simple life, but there seems to be something about you that you let people treat you badly, you stay too long and they take advantage.
I think then, perhaps your mental fog when it comes to this issue, could be due to stress or depression. Your life isnt where it should be for someone with your brain and work ethic. The first place to look for the reason for that, is at home. You being able to be a good mother and provider just isn't enough if you aren't providing them a safe, stable, calm home environment.
We married a year after we had my daughter. I DIDN’T KNOW HOW CONTROLLING THEY ARE. I’ve never taken out loans. I have a drivers licence. My sister bought my old car off me. The only car we have is my husbands. I was in my old job for 7 years. They never made me permanent, phased me out. I studied but couldn’t get into the industry I wanted.
You keep saying you didn't know how controlling they were, ignore the in laws.
In over a year you didn't notice this guy had little interest in being a dad? No interest in getting organised, getting a house, supporting his own child? With the two of you having your shit sorted years ago your inlaws would never have had the opportunity to go for custody. So controlling or not, they didn't make this happen.
How about your job. Have you worked since? Is your chosen industry a hard one to get into? I struggled to get a job as a young mum, it wasn't what I wanted to do but in deperation I applied at a factory. It was shitty work but paid brilliantly. Almost 20 years later I'm still there. When it comes to supporting my family I'll do shit work.
Since lockdown lifted have you done any of the things suggested 6 weeks ago?
Because at the time this happened I was phased out due to new management at my old job. I wasn’t working much at the time. It was when we moved out the first time and my husband had to quit his study he’d been doing for years, to work to support us. He started not caring because he was so resentful.
Who is controlling? Your in-laws or your husband? Is your marriage with him good now in your opinion?
I mean my in laws being controlling.
Things that greatly help you feel you can make choices and change your situation for the better is having your own car, having your own income and having a bit of savings. Seriously think about that.
Also having only as many kids as you could look after solo if you had to.
Also a good support network. People who have your back and lift you up, don't hold you down. If you don't have one (and it sounds like you don't have one person between your family, in-laws and husband) then start building it. Reach out to old friends. Join a club or group, have your own network separate from your husband.
Just to make sure you understand. Having a second child doesn't give you instant parental rights to them either. You've had a child removed you'll probably have the 2nd removed as well, instantly this time.
It also won't help you get the 1st one back. It actually just adds a pregnancy and doubles the issues.
Get a lawyer.
Sounds silly. But why haven't you been speaking to the experts about this?
In some of the responding comments you've said you're pregnant... with your current circumstances still unresolved and you've posted this question previously. You're probably going to get the same or similar answers.
Do something productive or let your daughter stay where she is. She has rights, not you.
I’m hearing a lot about you, what’s happen to you and what you want anon, have you stop to think what’s in the best interest of your daughter at the moment. She hasn’t lived with you for 3 years, how much contact have you had in that time?
Yes most definitely ask for contact, even write her letters to start with and grow from there but to demand her back now could be really unsettling for her
It’s not possible to trick you into taking custody of your child - the legal side of it is not vague in any way shape or form, in-depth yes - but not vague enough for you not to know what is happening.
You’re both adults and we’re well and truly into adult years when you had your daughter.
Having your daughter should have been enough drive to get yourselves out of whatever mess you were in at the time to make the life needed for yourself and your daughter.
If your husband doesn’t care. Why are you still with him.
There are options for help financially to get you out of your in-laws house and to start a life that is healthy for yourself.
If you want your daughter back, then straighten your life out and get on with it.
Get her back, prove you can be a fit mother and prove to yourself you can be better.
You don’t need your “husband” to get her back and you don’t need him in your life full stop.
They can’t just take your child without genuine and provable reasons.
Sounds like you need to contact facs and ask for support to help get your family sorted. So you can slowly piece your family back together. This should have been done prior to bringing a née baby in the mix. But you need the sort yourself out first and then get some support in being the best parent. If your husband is not on board on parenting the 6yr old. I highly doubt that he will be doing much for this née baby. I would pack your bags and ask to live with your parents and get the ball rolling. Join all the parenting courses you can ( they are free ) , do some parenting classes through relationship Australia. Then slowly progress to supervised visits or more visits to your daughter. At end of the day, if your in laws gaslighted you to gain custody. Courts would have given the child the most stable , not wanted to change her living arrangement. Also get some help for this little girl. The poor little girl would be so damn confused
You refer to them gaslighting you a lot? How did they gaslight you? How did they gaslight you into losing custody of your daughter? A psychologist can’t just write positive things, they have to be ethical and honest, I’m confused as to how they blindsided you as they wouldn’t have said they’ll write a glowing report and then write only negative. If you genuinely want good advice I feel you need to explain what actually happened.
How absolutely disgusting the lot of you are. Your responses are extremely bitchy and PATHETIC. Especially one of you who seems to keep SMASHING her and reminding her that she is worthless. Maybe you need to take a look in the mirror.
Yes the OP blames others alot but from this ENTIRE thread all I see is a woman who got rejected by a first boyfriend who made her feel worthless which probably started depression...she met this knee jerk of a husband with f**ked up parents and he got her pregnant while she was in a bad state. No doubt he was a rebound!
I have NO doubt the OP has post natal depression and she is in so f**king deep she doesn't know which way is up and all you bitches just want to continue to make her feel worse when all she needs is serious help!
How dare you all! Who the hell made you queens?!?! If you think you truly are then pick your f**king crown up and give it a polish and pull your manners into check. DISGUSTING!
***** ***** *****
To the OP.... can you please go back to the VERY start and tell us what happened. Word it carefully.
How did you meet your husband? When did you move in with your in laws and why?
Let's just start there, step by step so we can work through it ok!
I'm going to try and help you
Stupid is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result.
These woman keep saying the same shit, over and over.
I’m the first to call people out on here that are behaving badly/selfishly, especially in regards to a child, but it’s very clear this OP is in a psychological/mental tough spot and her world is very foggy.
What’s the point of berating her over and over if it isn’t even going in?
I berate with the intention of shocking them out of their selfish bad behaviour but for whatever reason, OP doesn’t have the capacity/insight right now to understand what they’re even saying.
Ladies here are showing a lack of insight, using the wrong strategy and getting very frustrated.
I’m sure they mean well, but seriously ladies, try something else, stop banging your head against a brick wall.
This woman needs the basics, step 1, baby steps.
Tailor your comment to the receiver.
Something is amiss, surely you guys can see that?
Did you see the post about 6-7 weeks ago?
Baby steps were provided.
You blame people NOW for trying a different tactic?
Because I can tell you now, literally nothing has changed.
Not one thing.
Yeah we're not professionals. She wrote off the professionals too. That's what she needs. It's unbelievable someone can be so aloof when so much is at stake. But you're mad at the wrong people here as you begin the exact same conversation as everyone else. She needs help. Point her to help. We know enough to know its a big, big, serious mess in lots of areas. And the answers to fix it are things she doesn't want to hear and deal with. Professionals.
Not true at all. All I wanted desperately was help out of this. And a therapist that isn’t a waste of time and money like the old one. It isn’t true that I don’t blame myself. I have every day, since this happened.
OP ignore all them bringing you down. I could reply to them also but I won't be.
As I said in my comment, let's start at the very beginning. Can you answer those questions I asked so we can take small steps?
I know for a fact professionals can be dog. They did it to my husband.
Start with those couple of questions I asked from right at the beginning and we will take small steps from there ok?
You’re a lovely compassionate woman ❤️
OP, I think that’s all anyone wanted to hear, that you feel some level of responsibility/guilt 😂