My husband and I are both 33 and have a 6 year old daughter. We lived with my in laws and regrettably had my daughter early on in the relationship. I didn’t know how controlling they are. They pushed us out about 3 years ago when we weren’t financially ready. They were supposed to increase the days we had with her. Instead they didn’t. My husband didn’t care. We had money problems but I didn’t know where to go to for help. My parents were supposed to have meetings with my in laws- to prevent this becoming a mess. But all they cared about was themselves. We couldn’t afford the place. My in laws lied and filed for custody. I desperately want my daughter back. It has been 3 years of empty promises of getting my daughter back. Everyday is a screaming match. Please help
156 Replies
I know she had to write the truth. She should’ve been honest with me that she wasn’t going to write anything positive. I wouldn’t have wasted my time.
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Well I'm skeptical on the truth of what you were and weren't told and needed or shouldn't need to be told. The point is she told the truth.
The truth about your situation is it needs fixing. It doesnt have to stay the same. You have to keep seeing her and working on those things.
If you really want your daughter back do it! Stop blaming everyone and start the steps to getting her back.
1 - leave your husband
2 - get a job
3 - get a house
4 - get a lawyer
5 - do parenting classes
The fact you are pregnant and have already lost custody of your first child this baby may also be handed over to the grandparents - just be prepared for this to also happen maybe speak to a social worker at the hospital.
Stop listening to these judgemental people. Do what is best for yourself and gain strength. If you get on a mental health plan you should be able to get legal aid. (I got one for that reason). I know what its like to have people manipulate the justice system and outright lie. A lot of people on here do not understand coercive control.
You are obviously going through a tough time, but it’s important to be honest here.
It wasn’t your age that was the problem when you had a child. My parents had me when they were 18, they managed without living with there parents.
I got pregnant at 20, again managed living on my own as a single mum from the day I came home from the hospital.
There is a lot more going on that led you to living with your in laws than you are telling us. If you weren’t financially ready after living with them for three years there are big underlying issues going on.
The best way to dig yourself out of this hole is to get yourself stable mentally, get rid of the husband (if he isn’t helping you reach your goals he is holding you back). Get in touch with legal aide.
Stop having screaming matches. That will count against you having a relationship with your child.
She had the child early in the relationship. Not an early age.
Point is the same, there is a lot going on here and the stage of the relationship and financial situations sound bizarre.
Just like last time, so much missing information. What have you done in the past three years to improvise your situation? What have you done in the last month, since we all gave very good ideas and advice to improve your situation? At 33 you should not be relying on your mum to talk to his mum and sort out when you can visit your child. You said in your first post that both yourself and her father decided to leave your child with her grandparents? They didn’t take her off you? Just just never got around to collecting her. Then they took you to court for custody?
No we had an agreement to slowly increase the days we had with her. Then it was just excuse after excuse after that.
I go to the therapist because I feel alone and my family promised to help me out, but when everything went bad- they didn’t. They don’t care. They used my mental health against me, as they blindsided me with custody. But the court seems to completely miss this point. A lot of what they put forward was lies.
I'm really sorry, please don't rely on other people to help you out though. It doesn't work and you can't rely on other people all the time to pick you up.
Do you WANT to be helped? It seems like this has been ongoing for many, many years and you only get back from a therapist what you put in. So you can go to one and chat but you need to implement strategies and take medication etc. if necessary. Have you considered being an inpatient?
I can't advise too much because from other comments it seems there is a lot more to the story, did you abandon your daughter with them for a substantial amount of time?
I absolutely do want to be helped! These people gaslighted me and manipulated me. I want help out of this situation desperately because I don’t how long i can go on.
It’s not other people’s responsibility to help you or do things for you! Your 33, it’s time to take responsibility for your own actions and grow up. This post and the last it’s everybody else’s fault you don’t have care of your child, your husbands, in laws, your parents, the courts! When do you acknowledge that you left you child behind and moved out? You are the parent, it was your responsibility to care for her. You didn’t.
Well what was I supposed to do? I didn’t know what to do at the time- husband didn’t care or my family. My in laws also completely gaslighted me.
You get a job or go on centrelink and you get a house for you and your daughter to live in. It’s actually not that difficult. You are still blaming your in-laws and husband. Your an adult not a 14 year old mum. Take responsibility that you left your child and the courts agreed that your in-laws was the most stable place for her to be. She had already lived with them for 3 years before you moved out without her
I actually don't think they have gaslighted you. I think you've been passive to the point of neglect and reliant on others and made bad choices and stuck with a man that doesnt want your child and now you're crying sad but STILL not actually changing anything.
They absolutely did gaslight me! They would’ve leave until they left with her.
Why wouldn't they leave without her? Do they think you have done something?
They wouldn’t leave where? You lived with them, you left? What did you do to make them kick you out? You said in your last post the locked you out of their home for no reason.
Honestly I don’t know.
I didn’t know living with them was going to give them legal precedent. Otherwise I would have never had a child while living with them obviously.
I didn’t know living with them was going to give them legal precedent. Otherwise I would have never had a child while living with them obviously.
You living with them DOESN'T give them any legal rights to your child.
My partner and I lived with his family for 6 months after we had our son. We saved in that time to buy what we needed to get into our own place. The inexplicable financial reliance, the long term staying there and then leaving your child for years, these are some of the things that gave them some legal leeway to apply for care.
You consistently dodge those questions that offer more insight. The more you dodge, the more you repeat the same excuses, the more you complain about being a victim and how it's everyone elses fault, I'm leaning towards the child being the victim here and the inlaws stepping in to protect her. To give the benefit of the doubt - maybe it's because there's so many questions and they get confusing so I'll start with just one.
Why has it taken so long to want to get your child back?
No excuses! No my husband didn't care, no my family wouldn't support me, no my in laws tricked me or lied.
Previously they had no legal right to her. Why wait for them to "give you more days"? As the biological parent you could have picked her up at any time and left. Why didn't you? Why didn't YOU? There's a reason and as painful as it might be for you to face it you're going to have to if you're going to fix it.
Why has it been so long? Because it’s been endless empty promises from my husband. I didn’t know the right job agency’s to go to for help. Just the usual ones that waste your time and don’t help you. They get your info and you never hear from them again.
The question is why didn't you.
Your husband didn't have to. Why didn't you go to your inlaws house, pick up your child and leave.
Where do you live that even on Centrelink you couldn't have got a small 1 or 2 bedroom unit for yourself and your child.
What industry are you looking for work in that you can only get a job through an agency.
Until you get to the bottom of why you won't do anything for yourself, we can tell you what you need to do ( I did reply on your first post, would have been around the 8th of October) but you'll continue to not do anything and blame everyone else. Otherwise there would have been even the smallest amount of progress in the past 5 or so weeks.
You obviously don't understand coercive control and family violence. You're going to push this woman to kill herself it you and others keep being so judgemental and hounding her
Good on you fuckhead.
Climb back under your rock.
Nowhere have I said anything derogatory.
I'm asking the poster to look deep and consider why she's so reliant on others to do everything.
Doing so will show her that these were options. Even if at the time it wasn't possible for any reason.
Her answers, if there had of been any, would point to what's going on rather than just assuming - like you seem to be doing.
As you were of course. Wouldn't want to get in the way of your professional diagnosis.
As I said, when we moved out the first time, they were supposed to increase the days we had with her. They didn’t. Then my husband just didn’t care.
So she was under their care whilst you were living with them? Like they had rights and custody of her?
In her last post she said they moved out and left the Daughter there because they could afford/care for her. It seems she was left in their care for a very extended amount of time before the grandparents were granted custody.
If they were in a position to authorize you having increased days, you had effectively agreed they had custody. If I moved and needed to get myself ready for the kids to join, it would be a night or 2 and then the kids were with me again. Not years. You obviously have a barrier to caring for your child and making sound decisions using insight. Go back to court and find out what you need to do to fix the situation. But maybe you should also consider what is best for your daughter. Step 1 is stop screaming at the in laws though. That's just proof you're unstable.
I didn’t know I was effectively giving them custody. They planned this all along.
That's not my point. My point is that you're her mum. You should be making the decisions and caring for her. You should be agreeing to them having the odd day with her. Instead, you let them be the ones doing everything for her. You weren't responsible. You didnt act like her mother so they needed to.
Look I thought being the biological parent I was protected against this. Most of what they put to court was utter lies.
Family court needs proof, how did they prove their lies?
Caring for her and being a present and responsible parent would have protected your rights. Your failure to do that is why they got custody.
A therapist can only help you get mentally stable. They can’t force your husband to do the right thing and they can’t go to court for you.
So if you feel your mental health is stable you should be dumping the husband and going out on your own. Then you need LEGAL advice. Speak to legal aid and ask what your court orders actually mean and what your next steps are.
But while you aren’t acknowledging your roll in this. Not a single person on this planet could convince me it was a good idea to move out without my child. So you need to prove you are mentally strong enough and are separate to your husband. That your child will be TOP priority and that you won’t need others to solve your problems.
Your child is 6 now, so your best bet is to ask for one weekend a fortnight and as your price yourself ask for ab increase in time.
While you stay with your husband you are never going to change this situation. He is never going to fix it for you, cause he likes things as they are. Screaming and fighting isn’t going to change his mind.
What is in the best interest of this child? She has lived with people who have been looking after her for so many years. She is in school now. She needs stability. Just because you are her mother, doesn't mean that being with you is in her best interest. May be the court ruled that stability with grandparents is better than a toxic environment at home?
Having said that, have you received legal advice? What have you done to improve your situation in the last few years? Between the custody and leaving your daughter with them, couldn't you just walk in and take her? I'm a bit confused.
It's not up to your family to fight your battles. This is your child. YOUR child and YOUR responsibility. I'd fight tooth and nail for my child.
Also, just a bit of an FYI. My in-laws were legal guardians of their grandchildren after their daughter's lifestyle made it impossible for her to look after them. The got the custody so that they could access additional assistance which was previously not possible and actually made a huge financial difference to 2 retirees. Every single dollar was spent on their grandchildren, who have turned out to be the most amazing, loving, well-adjusted and hardworking individuals. All thanks to their selfless grandparents.
So do this:
1. Seek out a mental healthcare plan and STICK TO IT. Whether it helps or not, go alone to your OWN psychologist (without your husband). Be consistent in going and show the courts you are attending regularly so that your in-laws can't use your mental health against you.
2.Get a job/permanent income (even if it is Centrelink), use a budgeting tool and show that you can be good with money. Keep a copy of your bank statements to show you can be financially responsible.
3. Seek out permanent housing that is secure and long term.
4. Leave your husband, he sounds just as toxic and isn't going to be a good support for you long term.
5. Undertake parenting classes (voluntarily).
6. Seek out a lawyer, apply for some form of custody via mediation even and begin with 1-2 days a fortnight working your way up to more. This will show that you have the girl's wellbeing first and foremost because right now, all she knows is grandparents care for her. It wouldn't be logical to uproot her and remove her from their care currently.
It won't happen overnight, you need to show the courts that you deserve to have her in your care without chance of abandoning her again.
You get more bees with honey.
Stop fighting 5hem, it’s getting you nowhere.
Start working with them, even if you hate their guts, be nice to them.
Build a solid relationship with them and do what the above poster says.
Are you going to leave your husband?
gaslighting
noun [ U ]
UK /ˈɡæs.laɪ.tɪŋ/ US /ˈɡæs.laɪ.tɪŋ/
the action of tricking or controlling someone by making them believe things that are not true, especially by suggesting that they may be mentally ill:
You don't tell us if you have a mental illness or a disability. You blame everyone but yourself for whats going on in your life. If you want help you have to tell the truth. The whole truth not just part of the truth.
You don’t seem to want help to do this on your own. You want everyone to do it all for you. If you do not do this for yourself, youre going to continue down the same shitty path you're on.
So apathetic I actually think its a troll now
Don't post definitions when you clearly do not understand gaslighting and coercive control
you keep repeating the same answers back to everyone that has given you advice or trying to ask questions to help you more. my personal opinion just from reading everything in these comments you've had your baby at a young age, no sort of income/job let alone a house to support your daughter in, and relied upon your parents to help you and you've left your daughter behind to "sort out money and a house" but took you longer it should of and they have then taken you to Court to gain custody because you were absent in your daughters life for so long!! As for your "husband" not caring that says a lot to you that it doesn't even phase him the daughter isn't there probably one less responsibility for him, I have had a baby myself stayed with my mum for the first 4 months and then left and guess what my mother wasn't able to just go to Court and gain custody I was able to just leave with my child! So I'm in agreement with everyone else on this post something MORE to this story then what your leading on, you said your parents tried saying you were on drugs but unless they proof/evidence that would of went out the windows.. so you either have a disability or mental illness and need proof from a psychologist or counsellor to state you are FIT enough to have your daughter and be able to take care of her ! It isn't hard to do if you truly want your child back try harder NO ONES going to do this for you. I would fight to the death for my babies no way would I just allow family, friends or anyone for that matter say i couldn't have my own baby if I was perfectly fit & capable of looking after and taking care of them. I would of rang the Police and told them to remove the grandparents from my house if they had NO Court orders in place at the time.. just doesn't add up what your saying
I didn’t know I effectively giving them custody- I was naive. I thought my husband cared and he is book smart and assumed we would be able to sort it out.
well your husband is shit for just letting go and not giving a single care in the world! Sad considering this is an innocent little girl involved and your just not bothering because you and your husband "assumed you would be able to sort it out". For the sake of your daughter do what you NEED to do to get her back. Or are you just wanting someone else to do it for you?
Why weren't you asking why you weren't getting your daughter back in your care a few days after moving though? And if your husband didn't drive over to get her why didn't you? If you were being denied her, why didn't you call the police? Sorry but my kids would have been there 1 or 2 days max. And if my husband decided to pretend he wasn't a parent anymore we'd be separated instantly.
I did ask them this at the time. All they did was stare into space and not answer me.
Then you ask again. You don’t just walk away???