I have JUST finally closed the book on nearly 10 years of my life (nearly 8 married) with my soon to be ex husband.
Our entire relationship was filled with infidelity. We were supposed to be on a break since February, to allow some space for me to heal & then the aim was always to come back together & work on our marriage. he just acted completely single. He has finally found someone who is able to "look past" the fact he was sleeping with me & then going to her house & playing partner with her & dad to her kids while neglecting to acknowledge the child he chose to raise for the last nearly 10 years.
Anyway, literally today this amazing man who I've been friends with for the last 4 months, who was aware of the situation I was in & has been an incredible support during this time we have slept together now & my feelings are INTENSE we have decided to not label it but agreed to be exclusive & see where it goes. This man is the closest to perfect I have ever been around in my life. He is kind & caring & has his sh*t together in that he works, owns his own house, is clean, etc etc etc.
I have never dated someone who didn't require "fixing" (lol). My question is, what do healthy boundaries look like in a new relationship?
I have been married twice my first husband was incredibly abusive as well. Both relationships were very rushed at the start & we had moved in, gotten engaged & married within 18 months (first husband & I had our child in the first 3 years together!) I already see a psychologist weekly to help me heal from my trauma I've had in my life & relationships. But, I don't know what healthy looks like. We've agreed to weekly dinners/sleep overs to start with so we both still get to have our independent lives as well, I've also said I don't want to be over-committed & text/call all day, every day but communication is still very important, we've agreed there'll be no meeting my child until well after Xmas & parents will be a few weeks before then, also we'll be doing check-ins when we see each other about how we're feeling & what needs to be reassessed & either toned down or ramped up as time goes on. . But, what else is there?
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Odd. I have plenty of single male friends who I catch up with regularly for coffee or dinner.
So do I...but they are established friends...Did you meet yours through mutual friends as single people and start going out for dinner and coffee alone immediately?
Do you drive a fair way regularly to see them?
I'm going to be blunt and say do not let anyone sl*t shame you. Dating, having fun etc. is a really good way to figure out what you do and do not want and practice boundaries. You don't have to turn into a prudish nun lol. I would actually be avoiding the commitment right now and keeping things casual and fun until you figure out what you want ;)
I'm not slut shaming at all, I'm the one who said I wish she was just looking for a casual thing with a guy in the next town.
She wasn't letting him stay to sleep with him, it was as friends, as I recall.
What I'm saying is, she needs to becareful how she behaves and doesn't give people mixed signals and hurt them.
If you want to sleep with someone, do it, but don't go on dates with a single guy regularly and pretend it's a friendship and suddenly act shocked when you sleep with him.
That's messing with people's feelings,
Do what you want, but don't be in denial or do it at the expense of other's feelings.
Can def see why therapy doesn't work for you, you know everything and do whatever you want, you haven't learnt the art of delayed gratification or considering the feelings of those around you.
This guy doesn't deserve to be a guinea pig in your shit show.
Leave the crazy with the therapist and do the right thing and walk away.
Keep up the three hours a week therapy, but do the actual work to get better.
Maybe in a couple of years if he is still single, you might reconnect.
Focus on your finances....
Wow, who says this guy would not be happy with cooling it too and keeping it casual. Have I missed something?? This is about having an honest conversation with the guy. I do not think OP realises how much she is not ready. It can be very confusing coming out of DV and you are more likely to fall prey to another narc.