I have JUST finally closed the book on nearly 10 years of my life (nearly 8 married) with my soon to be ex husband.
Our entire relationship was filled with infidelity. We were supposed to be on a break since February, to allow some space for me to heal & then the aim was always to come back together & work on our marriage. he just acted completely single. He has finally found someone who is able to "look past" the fact he was sleeping with me & then going to her house & playing partner with her & dad to her kids while neglecting to acknowledge the child he chose to raise for the last nearly 10 years.
Anyway, literally today this amazing man who I've been friends with for the last 4 months, who was aware of the situation I was in & has been an incredible support during this time we have slept together now & my feelings are INTENSE we have decided to not label it but agreed to be exclusive & see where it goes. This man is the closest to perfect I have ever been around in my life. He is kind & caring & has his sh*t together in that he works, owns his own house, is clean, etc etc etc.
I have never dated someone who didn't require "fixing" (lol). My question is, what do healthy boundaries look like in a new relationship?
I have been married twice my first husband was incredibly abusive as well. Both relationships were very rushed at the start & we had moved in, gotten engaged & married within 18 months (first husband & I had our child in the first 3 years together!) I already see a psychologist weekly to help me heal from my trauma I've had in my life & relationships. But, I don't know what healthy looks like. We've agreed to weekly dinners/sleep overs to start with so we both still get to have our independent lives as well, I've also said I don't want to be over-committed & text/call all day, every day but communication is still very important, we've agreed there'll be no meeting my child until well after Xmas & parents will be a few weeks before then, also we'll be doing check-ins when we see each other about how we're feeling & what needs to be reassessed & either toned down or ramped up as time goes on. . But, what else is there?
57 Replies
You have JUST closed the book....
Your feelings are intense.
You describe this man as close to perfect.
He works, owns a house, keeps it tidy, that makes him normal.
You are repeating the cycle, idolizing another man that you have only known 4 months and only just became romantically involved with. The blinders are already on despite your "boundaries".
By the sounds of it, he has been your caretaker for the past 4 months, you're vulnerable and he is taking advantage.
It's also an unhealthy dynamic to start a new relationship.
You NEED to be single for a long while, in order to become a strong/independent person.
Nothing changes when nothing changes.
I dare you, try something new, be single, learn to love yourself again and see what happens.
Pages
Also, narcissists come in many forms, sounds like your first two husbands were the low functioning types.
However, just an FYI, there are successful high functioning ones too, who have their "shit" together.
It always ends the same though, low or high functioning, with your soul ripped to shreds.
Also, you've slept with this guy ONCE and you are already 20 steps ahead, thinking about kids/parents and you sound like you think you love him.
That's not how it should be, that's unhealthy.
Not every person you sleep with, should end in a relationship.
Your thoughts should be along the lines of, had great sex with this guy, enjoy his company, this is nice, let's see where this may go and see if he really is who he portrays himself to be.
Oh and FYI, if you want to know their true intentions, hold off on sleeping with them and make them "date" for you a while.
See how long they hang around and how much effort they are willing to put in.
You've also completely missed this step.
.
Also wouldn't be having sleepovers at the beginning, don't go straight into relationship mode, leave some mystery and fun. Enjoy the courting, getting to know you romantically stage, it's the best.
We are "dating"? It's not rushing anything, my psychologist suggested talking about what the next few months may look like if we do enter into a relationship from this. So it isn't rushed like I always rush relationships.
He lives an hour away (70+kms) which is just the next town over where we live. So, we are agreeing to sleep overs because it's a long time to drive for dinner etc, we do often meet halfway for dinner in the town I work in as well.
I don't love him, I just have feelings for him & they are more intense than I expected them to be. I'm also asking because I want to know what any healthy relationship looks like in general. It's been sparked by this situation, yes, but I actually have no idea how to just date & not rush into huge amounts of commitment & moving too fast because I have only been in the 2 really Serious relationships with these narcissistic men & I don't want to end up rushing something with someone & ruin it because I don't know how to be in a healthy relationship.
You've rushed everything, you've gone from friends to sleepovers once a week in a day. If your psychologist is telling you that you need to consider your child meeting your partner in the next few months, after Christmas, you need a new one. Your child has had two major breakupsin their life, meeting your child should not even be a consideration at this stage and given your background, minimum 6 months should be extended further than that. It shouldn't be on the radar. Your psychologist should be telling you this is a very bad idea, likely a rebound and if you are determined to continue, leave your kid out of it.
Whilst you focus all your energy on this new relationship, and you are, writing into a forum proves that, you are avoiding the important stuff, like healing and your child.
Two abusive relationships your child has lived through, don't they deserve your full attention, don't they deserve for you to "just be" for a while, not chasing the next available man that shows interest.
For once, put aside your own desires and put your child first.
Judgey much? There is no indication of how old my child is & that I am not putting them first! It's one night a week. There's 6 other nights to "just be" in fact, my child doesn't even know this man exists! or that I'm not focused on my healing I am seeing a psychologist twice a week, I am absolutely focused on my healing. That doesn't mean I am incapable of being in a relationship.
My psychologist is fantastic, actually & she simply suggested that I talk to him about some boundaries as I've never set them in previous relationships.
My question was about what healthy relationships look like in the beginning, not for a judgement on my character or parenting abilities 👌
Nothing changes when nothing changes......
You shouldn't be focused on learning healthy boundaries for your next romantic relationship, you should be focused on building your self-esteem and being whole again.
You won't heal properly if you never stand on your own two feet emotionally, all the psychologist appointments in the world won't help, if you aren't willing to be alone.
Choose different this time, all you've ever been is a partner.
I hope when you fully heal and enter a new relationship, you have dated HEAPS of men, slept with quite a few and know EXACTLY what works for you.
It's an amazing world out there, so many wonderful experiences, as a single woman, embrace it.
Travel, career, study, hobbies, volunteering, making friends, socialising, furnishing your house, cooking what you like, doing whatever you want, when you want, try it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know it's hard to change your way of thinking and living when things are so ingrained, there will always be pushback but I honestly wish you the best. I really hope you choose different xx
Healthy boundaries in a new relationship is exactly what I need to be learning so I don't fall into the same trap I always have fallen into.
I am doing all those things (well, some I will when I get out of the debt I've been left with AGAIN & can afford to travel etc) hence, I want to know what healthy "dating" looks like because this man is lovely & I don't want to fall into the trap of jumping straight into another serious relationship at the first fluttering eye lids. I want to discover what I want in a relationship while I heal the other trauma wounds I have!
I'm not going to post on here about the very long list of trauma I am working on alongside this very small thing in my life, I just wanted advice on what healthy boundaries may look like for others.this is one part of the healing I'm focussing on.
To me, this is what would be healthy boundaries in your situation:
Friend says he's interested in you in a romantic way.
You say, so you've only been a supportive friend all these months to sleep with me? Immediate annoyance that this friend suddenly cracks onto you and red flags.
Friend says no, I've developed these feeling over time, but didn't want to say anything until things were finished with your ex.
You, with a little interest and skepticism/cynicism in friend says, well you know everything I've been through, we will have to take it very slowly.
Respectful friend in it for the right reasons says, well can I take you out Saturday night?
Friend organises nice date, picks you up, takes you somewhere nice, drives you home. Friend knows he has a lot to prove as you are a little suspicious of him and his reasons for being supportive in the months preceding him asking you out.
He takes you on dates, kisses you goodnight, waits until quite a few dates in to invite you back "somewhere" because you said you want to take it slowly and your behaviour matches your words and he knows there's a firm boundary there and he isn't going to push his luck.
Thankyou for the advice. This is what I was envisioning!
Same commenter....Mate the horse has already BOLTED, you slept with him, he doesn't have to date you, you are willing to play gf once a week with sleepovers at his house.
Therapist here. If your therapist is giving you any direct advice around how to move forward in this relationship without seeing the massive red flags then they obviously are crap at dealing with DV and do not deserve to work in this area.
Thanks for agreeing with me therapist.
Oh and if you live too far away to date in a healthy way and you both aren't willing to travel for dates only, it doesn't mean you rush and miss all the crucial steps again, it means he isn't the right guy for you to date.
I'm curious to know where he stayed when you were friends for the last 4 months, I assume you weren't having sleepovers then?
What's changed?
Or has this been an online relationship only, with a stranger?
No, we had met up for dinner previously & phone calls/texting. I had visited his place & stayed in his spare bedroom. He had come to my place & slept on the lounge.
No, my therapist has given me some general advice about setting healthy boundaries in any relationship, she is aware of *this* situation as I obviously spoke to her about it in the session I organised within hours of sleeping with him as I was concerned & she said I need to be very careful because I don't know what healthy looks like.
I think this is going to end badly for you, I think this is perfectly convenient for him.
Finds a woman straight out of DV, doesn't know how to exert boundaries, lives in the next town, has her stay over once a week, regular sex, whilst he does what he wants for the rest of the week.
Her only demand is, he doesn't text too much, too easy he thinks.
Jesus christ, a woman who has to urgently consult her psychologist after she fucks a guy is sooooo far from ready for a relationship it isn't funny.
You are vulnerable, you are fragile, you are every narcs dream woman, you need to do soooo much more work on yourself.
I wish this post was" "I'm messed up, have a lot of work to do on myself, met a hot guy who lives in the next town, very convenient, not too close, not too far, have no feelings, just want a casual thing once a week thing. What boundaries should I consider?"
You know, women, as long as we are respectful and upfront, can use men for our own needs too, it works both ways.
I'm just putting it out there as I want to challenge the way you think = every guy ends in a relationship and I need his love to validate me.
There are many benefits to being a single woman lol
Second boundary lesson: Allowing a man to stay in your home and staying in his home after only ever meeting once(?) and talking via text is not healthy, it is DANGEROUS.
I hope your psychologist told you this
The more you say, the worst it gets.
Where does it say either of us stayed over after only meeting once? We had met multiple times halfway for coffee & actually met through mutual friends prior to staying anywhere.
You keep changing the narrative about what you previously said, what your therapist said etc.
When you have to lie, you know the situation is not right.
You said this just happened with the friend, now you are acting like you have been dating for months.
You were annoyed with your ex for seeing other people, but sounds like you were also.
Which is it, you were only friends (not dating) and suddenly slept together or you have been seeing each other for quite some time (dinner/coffee dates) and staying at each houses?
A man and a woman who have no previous friendship, who met through friends, don't drive miles for "coffee"., I don't care how you try to explain it.
And sleeping over at each others houses?!? Pleaseeee.
When you live rurally, everywhere is "miles" away. It was about 30kms to a coffee shop. It's not that bigger of a deal out here to drive that far to see someone even as friends.
but now you have to have sleepovers once a week because it's too far to date?
No, we don't but that's what we talked about. Because we had discussed dinner/movie nights as well, which would be easier of we stay over.
Not just staying over but more of a limit on how often because *i* have always rushed into staying over all the time moving in really quickly etc.
I know it shouldn't be the case, but guys value what they have to work for. Don't serve yourself on a platter, sleep overs and sex on tap, once a week. Wait and see if he's worth it, see how he is as a partner. Guys can be great friends, but really shitty boyfriends.
Too fast lovely, way too fast. Right now you are in love with the thought of being in love. That initial chemistry is overwhelming but it wears off. There are plenty of narcs that still have their finances sorted. For example, my ex would have looked great as I ran away and left him the house.
This is the time you need to take to learn to love yourself! Not someone else. Then you choose to share your life with someone when you are ready. You're mind has not even began to settle from hypervigilant and you are more likely to attract the same kind of man! Chemistry can also be a warning sign if you have not healed. You need to wipe out any form of possible emotional dependency first.
I'm concerned about your impression of him.. my ex was perfect at the start too. I took some time to date and work out what I did and did not want in a relationship and work on me. I found my partner a few years later after rejecting! many men trying to force me into a relationship. Nearly 6 years later with him and I know I'm with my happily ever after. I was so careful. Ultimately your choice but I would delay an exclusive relationship for at least two years after separation.
Please be careful xx
Jesus Christ.
I asked for advice with a bit of a back story because I'm concerned I rushed into something & wanted to be able to protect myself emotionally from falling into the same trap.
I organised a session with my therapist because I had no intention of sleeping with him when I went to his place for dinner (something we had done many times before & nothing had happened). & I was confused so I spoke to the one person I trust to set me straight- she has been my therapist for nearly 7 years now, she knows me well enough to help me. I also rang my best friend to talk about it as well.
I wasn't asking for advice on how to parent a teenager or what my character is like, he asked afterwards what it meant now. I said I was confused and unsure & that I didn't know how to be in a healthy relationship or anything like that but if it was these are the minimum boundaries I would like to set. He agreed & also said he wanted to make it a once a week thing to start with so we don't jump into anything over anyone's head.
I was simply asking what healthy boundaries healthy relationships have at the start. 🤦♀️
And our answer, you shouldn't be in a relationship.
You came her for our advice and there you have it.
Do what you want with it, but you can't change our opinions.
You had one foot in the door hoping the ex would suddenly change and choose you whilst hedging your bets, dating a new guy.
As soon as the ex chose the other woman, you slept with the new guy.
You are not only monkey branching from one relationship to the next, but you started a new one whilst the other one wasn't even finished.
You and your ex are car crashes and I feel sorry for the teenager who suddenly lost the only father she has ever known and has lived her whole life in a toxic household.
Of-course you don't want parenting advice, because you have a one track mind, this man, nothing else matters.
The more I think about this, the more I feel sorry for the new guy, the fall back guy, the one you didn't want until your ex burned you.
Those intense feelings you suddenly got for him after sleeping with him, sound like transference to me.
All the intense toxic trauma bonding feelings you have for the ex have been transferred to the new guy, they aren't real.
Hurt people, hurt people and you are really going to do a number on this poor guy.
If this is how you behave after 6 years of therapy, you need a new therapist.
I am sorry you feel so attacked. You obviously like this man alot and want to push forward. I am worried your attachment to him at such a rapid pace means you have not healed from all the trauma that placed you in unhealthy relationships to begin with. Which means you are more likely to repeat the past.
Your therapist should have spoken to you about how right now is a really risky time for you to be pursuing any relationship. This time is better spent rediscovering who you are post trauma, we lose so much of our own identity in these toxic relationships.. we tend to come out a little confused about who we are and what we like. Certainly not a time to be possibly entering a dependent relationship to fill that space. It often has so much to do with unhealthy attachments and this explains the intensity. It would really be a great time for you to discover who you are outside of a relationship and believe me this can be fun! :)
I would be wary of your inability to draw boundaries as these toxic men leave us trained to accept way less than we deserve. It takes a while to untrain ourselves and rewrite that inner dialogue.
If you are really sure that you want to pursue this. Please do not let him be the one making the decisions about how often you see each other etc. Make sure he is okay with hearing no and look for red flags if he starts guilting you. Take it very slow. My children did not meet mine until after I had known him for over a year and we had been dating for six months. If he really likes you, then he will put in the effort consistently over time. Do not be fooled by any man trying to rush things
My therapist has said that, we talk twice weekly for 1.5hours each session at a minimum. I've put very little of what she said in this post, obviously there is more that's been said.
We weren't dating before, we were just in a really nice friendship & in a moment of weakness & a couple of drinks each, we slept together. I was very confused because I do really enjoy his company & friendship. I do really like him & I didn't expect to like anyone again. Ever. Let alone to the point of real feelings.
That's why I was asking for what healthy boundaries look like for others, I'm already worried it's been rushed & that this isn't a good idea so, I don't want to put myself hard into a relationship & then end up heart broken again because I didn't set boundaries & voice them.
Thankyou, though. Your comment was very helpful & taking it slow is exactly what I want to do, if this isn't meant to be I don't want to be grieving something in a few weeks & have jumped into something too fast, too soon but, it's also really nice to have someone to talk to.
Just be aware, the rebound break up is the mother of all break ups.
You deal with the recent break up as well all the unresolved issues from your divorce, that you ignored by getting high on the new relationship feels.
Trust me, you can ignore it but it doesn't magically disappear.
Yes. I know the rebound break up is real, I am trying to avoid having *that* by hopefully setting healthy boundaries at the start & not getting in hot & heavy from the first orgasm.
Good luck, you know boundaries don't replace healing but anyway....
Healthy boundaries if you aren't looking for a relationship would be, not being alone with a single man, drinking and having dinner at his house/meeting up alone for coffee and dinners. It would also mean not staying at each others houses.
You're in denial, whatever you want to call it, you have in fact been dating this man, that you met through mutual friends and chose to see alone, rather than catching up again with mutual friends.
If this is to work, you have to start being honest with yourself.
You can't lead people on and you need to understand behaviour between adult men and women. Luckily you wanted him too, but I hate to think what could have edhappen if you rejected the guy and he turned out to be a bad one. You have to consider your own behaviour and the message you are sending to others and their feelings.
Also, using an available, single man who you have just met to nurse you through a break up for months is highly inappropriate and selfish behaviour..
Your therapist is right, you have zero boundaries.
I didn't use anyone. We met & I pursued a friendship with someone I got along with. During conversations my marriage came up- our mutual friends had already told him a bit about my situation.
We slept together & now it's evolved into the possibility of something more & I don't want to rush it because of my past.
Imagine being a single man (I think the mutual friends were setting you up and you know this), having coffee/dinner dates with a woman for months and then you finally sleep together and as a normal functioning adult, you ask, so what does this mean?
And then the woman suddenly acts all "confused", like it wasn't leading to this, tells you she doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship, talks about when to meet KIDS and PARENTS and worries about "texting".
You can't make this shit up.
I would say he suggested once a week because he saw the "crazy" and wants to back the fuck up.
If I were his friend, I would tell him to runnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Single men don't "pursue" friendships with single women they meet lol
I remember now, you've posted about this relationship/non relationship with the guy from another town before.
There was some "issue" with him and you had to seek clarification from your mutual friends.
He's a friend of your work friend's husband.
I remember we warned you against it then.
But I can't remember what was dodgy about him and I know you won't tell us.
Nope. Never posted about this before, actually have only ever posted once before in this forum & it was certainly not about a partner or potential partner lol
I didn't expect the truth....just like the background info...
I remember now....same kind of story...you had known him 2 minutes and you were going to let him stay at your house because it was too far for him to go home. We said it was a bad idea and you said it was fine because you had mutual friends. You didn't listen to us then, same as you aren't now.