Hi All,
Hubby has mentioned an upcoming boys weekend away (in conversation to someone else not actually to me) and when I asked he responded “yeah we’re going away for a weekend its been booked by *****”
I am quite annoyed, I asked when it is and he said he doesn’t know, in November. I said I don’t think now is a good time really because bub is only 3 months old and about to go through sleep regression and is very tiring for me and we have just moved house to an unfamiliar area with no support around me. There are other reasons but these are the two I used. He said “youll be fine”
A few days later, I asked again about the dates in November, he said he was too tired to talk about it… a week later I heard him talking about it again on the phone to someone he is going with and he said “yeah as long as it’s not the 26th im sweet” (he has something on that weekend)
I said to him “are you going to like discuss or even mention this trip to me or just tell me whats happening?” And he said its not a priority to talk about right now as he was leaving for work but had just talked to his mate on the phone about it.
Just needed to vent really, i’m so annoyed and would rather him go when bubs a bit older.
89 Replies
My partner and I both go away with friends on our own - but we absolutely discuss it with each other before confirming.
Not discussing it first and not listening to the other person's concerns is pure disrespect and shouldn't be acceptable in a partnership.
Even work trips that aren't optional get discussed & planned in advance.
It's not about permission or control, it's about communication & organisation.
OP has a new baby plus older kids - so maybe the kids have weekend activities that she needs to sort out.
What if one of the kids (or OP) gets sick & needs a Dr or hospital - what's the backup plan?
When was he going to tell her - Friday night as he gets in the car to leave?
I'd be raging about it. Not because he's going, but that he doesn't even have enough respect for her to tell her.
He just expects her to sit around with HIS KIDS while he *surprise* just doesn't come home all weekend.
And she's asked him repeatedly about it & he's just blowing her off.
Fuck that.
This is a symptom of a much larger issue in the marriage.
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Agree, he's actually being secretive and controlling!
Agree it’s a symptom of worse problems brewing. Each person has to take ownership of their own behaviour and saying this is a one time thing she says no to is absolutely false. She doesn’t even know the date yet and she’s said it’s inconvenient and he can’t go.
Uhhh, i haven’t said he can’t go?
No I don’t know the date yet but with a 3 month old, two other kids, Christmas coming as well as his eldest sons birthday, a business to run and many other life commitments/events it is an inconvenient time of course. I am thinking of what is best for ALL of us, him, his kids, our child, myself our business and our employees. It is not a good time, especially financially as well.
Do you and your husband not discuss these things normally? Do you not agree whether something can be afforded or if it is good for your family at a certain time? Because this has not happened here. I have not been told a single thing about this damn weekend away and my anxiety about how it’s going to go down is unbearable. He will not discuss it with me, will not tell me anything, whos going, where, when or for how long. Not a single word. So yeah I am understandably f**king pissed off! And all you so called other mums with your comments of me controlling him or being abusive and DV etc and “not letting him go” is bullshit, because I have never once said any of that.
If he discussed it with me like an adult and husband i’d suggest him going after Christmas when bub is a bit older, we’ve been in our new place longer than 2 days, his kids are more settled along with us and it isn’t our businesses busiest time of year. And also financially we can save up for it, like I have to do when I want something. But he never does. He just
gets what he wants when he wants it and takes the money from whatever savings we have
Far out, it's a weekend, not a two week international holiday!
Do his employees work on the weekend?
Also before you said it was with his dad and uncle didn't you?
Yes our employees do work on the weekend meaning i’d need to be working also with them. I don’t see why it matters who it’s with to be honest. And 4 nights, is a lot right now.
So you will work a full weekend which is now 4 nights /5days, and have a newborn full time and have his children full time and have no other support? No family you can ever go to?
While he doesn’t respect you, doesn’t communicate? Takes from the savings and does what he wants leaving you completely isolated and stuck at home with all his kids?
Regardless of this weekend trip idea, this is your life with him?
Bringing it back to the point you keep avoiding, how satisfied are you in this relationship?
It matters who he is going away with because it shows you're a liar.
You aren't anxious bc you don't know who he's going with, bc you know who that is.
Uhh, no, not lying here. Never said I didn’t know who he was going with. I said he hasn’t told me who's going where, when etc because he hasn’t, he hasn’t told me a single thing. I only know from what I have heard in conversations to others that his Dad and Uncle and mates are going.. so thank you for your “because it shows you’re a liar” comment. So stop with the judgement and one sided bandwagon or kindly move on. Didn’t asked to get called names or be picked at here.
Omg calling her a liar now. You are so rude and out of line. Scroll on!!!
Agreed. And what does Christmas have to do with it?
Money, Christmas is expensive. We can’t afford a weekend away right now. I asked if we could all go away for a weekend in Oct/Nov a few months back was told we can’t afford it, which was fair enough… now we can afford for him to go for a trip thats going to cost us more than it would if we went as a family.
Goes away and dumps his responsibilities on her without telling her. Those 2 kids are his , not hers. He absolutely should have discussed it with her. She is being used as the nanny! Total lack of respect. He just expects it. That is the problem here. Very selfish
I bet the kids just stay with bio mum that weekend if it's his.
But she won't say that....
We have the kids full time.
Thanks for your fantastic uncalled for comment.
Bet you wouldn’t of guessed that……
I am so sorry some women are being nasty. It's usually the entitled who have never had the same problems who cannot understand. They instead spout off DV when they have never had to live it and do not have a dang clue. These are the same women who carry on about how hard men have it because they have not experienced the inequality firsthand. Please do not waste anymore of your time or energy defending yourself.
From what you are describing I feel you are in the more vulnerable and controlled position. Please look after yourself, with a young baby you are at greater risk for Depression especially in an unsupportive environment.
You sound like you have an enormous amount on your plate and you just want him to consider you and his family until things are less hectic. You are not being selfish or isolating him. You are not asking for too much and you deserve support. It is not too much to ask him to compromise and wait until after Christmas and by him being secretive he is actually being disrespectful at the least and controlling.
I think the difference is that when you discuss things with your husband, the conviction is how do we make this work. You aren't getting a no before you even discuss it.
You also said you're anxious about amount of time, but that's a lie too because you seem to know exactly how many days and nights.
I don't really believe much of what you say tbh.
I have said that I am anxious about the length of time, not that I am unsure how long its for. I am anxious about being alone with 3 kids (one being a newborn) in a new area with no support and a business to run for no matter how many nights it is right now.
That’s fine you don’t need to believe me but if you want to keep putting shit on everything i’ve said and calling me a liar, again. Please move on.
Some of these posts seem to be deliberately antagonising you. Must be some trolls on here. I would stop responding to anyone who is not offering supportive or constructive advice. It's disgusting they are attacking someone who is already struggling but that's what trolls do
I agree with all this. It is just human decency to have a discussion about a decision that is going to affect the everyone in the household
Wait... let me get this straight. It isn't even a boy's weekend with mates? It's a bonding thing for the men in his family??? I take back all my comments defending you. You're being unreasonable! Jo wonder he won't discuss it!
There are other people going too, and if you call excessive drinking, gambling and drugs a bonding weekend for family? Yeah I am anxious and have a right to be. His family are honestly worse than if he went with some mates unfortunately..
Gambling and drugs, of course, why not add prostitution/strippers?
Again, if this is all true, stop avoiding the question, why are you with him and recently had a baby to him?
Agreed. If this was an issue it would be the main issue and not thrown in later on. I'm thinking this was a troll post now.
Because you know why, I didn’t want to get a shit load of comments saying “why are you with him if he’s done this before etc etc” because that shit does not help. People do change, but it does not change the trust issues unfortunately, the anxiousness and the worry and hurt.
Certainly is not a troll post love, just a tired wife/mumma to a 3 month old and step kids looking for some advice on how others in the same situation would feel. But don’t waste your time on a ‘troll post’ if you have nothing of value to help another mumma out. Why even be on here if you are just going to make someone feel worse? You’re the troll.
I don’t think it’s a troll. I think it’s a worn out overworked woman with very high anxiety trying her best to hold on to a man that’s a piece of shit, but she doesn’t want to admit that yet.
So all I’ll say is that its not ok to be as highly anxious as you are and no one else can fix that but you. You have so many red flags in your life. You seem happy to bring them up as reasons for you to control him, but not to actually face them. Speak to your midwife/nurse. Get a referral for a psychologist. Start working on yourself and your own savings and well-being. Build that support network. Use his family for babysitting. Where are your family and friends, build those connections too.
I think the people saying "troll post" are actually the trolls.
Maybe you're right. Maybe it's not a troll post... but it certainly isn't someone wanting input from others like the OP suggests.
Think it's OK for my husband to have time out with friends and that I'm not incapable or controlling? I'll make it longer than a weekend and add to the list of my responsibilities while he's away.
Think it's OK that he's going away with family? I'll say he might use drugs.
Change your story enough that people query whether the issue is a few nights away or the fact you're apparently clinging to a life and breeding with a loser? You didn't tell the truth because you didn't want to be judged.
I'm sorry. But the OP hasn't taken on board any opinions other than those that affirm she's right and he's wrong. She's less capable for a short period than any single mum is every day. He's unreasonable for wanting balance and trusting the mother of his youngest to keep all of his children safe when he isn't there.
My parents were separated. I was either in my mum and step dad's care or dad and step mum's. Both households functioned as a family. Sometimes 1 of ny parents wasn't there. Neither of my parents were neglectful or taking advantage of their spouses if they were away when I was at that house. Both houses were my home and sometimes a parent went away.
This whole scenario is insane. Don't be such a victim that you can't stand on your own 2 feet for a few days. Don't be so unreasonable that can't support your partner having a good time without you. If he's really such a bad person, leave. But don't say he's worth investing time into a relationship with if you can't accept he's a person outside of your relationship too.
Pfft where exactly did she say she is never okay with him going away. She wanted him to wait until after Christmas. That's a part of being a family, considering other people and not just yourself. All these women getting stuck into her when really they should have just scrolled on and you are 100 percent correct, she didn't need your judgement. You obviously do not have a clue about her situation and judging you right back! your cruisy history does not qualify you either.
I don't have a cruisy history. I have parents who valued their spouse's wellbeing because their first marriages fell apart when that didn't happen. I also have divorced siblings (4) who didn't learn from that and happily married siblings (2 plus me) who did. Supporting your spouse to do things like this is hard.... but incredibly important.
And considering your spouses feelings is even more important! You can still have plenty of breaks and time away while considering someone else's feelings. Especially when that someone is clearly struggling as a new and busy mum. Waiting until after Christmas is not a huge ask! All these women making out like his testicles are in her handbag because she wants a partnership, honesty and some support 🙄
Why do men take longer to grow up. So frustrating.
For me - It is not even a matter of if you will be right or not. It is the fact that he didn't even think to discuss it with you. When was he going to tell you if you had not heard him tell someone else about it?
If my husband wanted to go for a boys night, it would be fine as long as we had talked about it and we didn't have any plans
I think everyone needs a break every now and then and this is his break. It sounds like he is avoiding the conversation with you to save the fight. Your reasoning in your post are pretty unreasonable. Yes bub is still young but by using these excuses it's make yourself sound like your struggling, if this is the case be sure to have a chat with your Dr.
Have you read ger replies to others?
Not just a baby. HIS 2 kids they have full time. 2 new puppies. Their business that she will have to run. Low spending money.
That is a huge work load to put on a new mum, that hasn't even been given the decency of a discussion about him having time away.
I agree that even one needs time away to recharge but a discussion need to be had on time and dates that suit the whole family. And when is her time out?
I have seen so much nastiness directed towards this new mum. Having a baby is much different from caring for non-bio children and all is hard. She just asked him to wait and he has not even got the decency to discuss it with her. This is not a partnership. I cannot believe some of the women commenting on this. One even accused her of lying and another of being a DV perpetrator. Disgusting and these women should be ashamed.
Who cares if the older kids are hers or not? They're in both of their care and he will be away for something that's a once off. Everyone wants step parents to treat their step kids like their own (as in love them, not replace their actual parents) until it's inconvenient. Then suddenly if a step parent has a role they're being taken for granted.
Seriously... if you can't step up, don't start a relationship with someone who has kids.
Seriously hope your comment was not directed at mine! My meaning was that having your own baby, a newborn etc. Is different from looking after older non biological children. She is more vulnerable at present. Ffs she helps out all the time from what I have read. I do not think that was her complaint at all but I see you clutching at straws 🙄