Hi All,
Hubby has mentioned an upcoming boys weekend away (in conversation to someone else not actually to me) and when I asked he responded “yeah we’re going away for a weekend its been booked by *****”
I am quite annoyed, I asked when it is and he said he doesn’t know, in November. I said I don’t think now is a good time really because bub is only 3 months old and about to go through sleep regression and is very tiring for me and we have just moved house to an unfamiliar area with no support around me. There are other reasons but these are the two I used. He said “youll be fine”
A few days later, I asked again about the dates in November, he said he was too tired to talk about it… a week later I heard him talking about it again on the phone to someone he is going with and he said “yeah as long as it’s not the 26th im sweet” (he has something on that weekend)
I said to him “are you going to like discuss or even mention this trip to me or just tell me whats happening?” And he said its not a priority to talk about right now as he was leaving for work but had just talked to his mate on the phone about it.
Just needed to vent really, i’m so annoyed and would rather him go when bubs a bit older.
89 Replies
Wow, so rude of him to not even discuss it with you. He's living his life like he doesn't have kids to think about. You have to ask yourself, could you do this? Could you just book a weekend away without him or the kids and not have to discuss it with him first? Or would all hell break loose? That's how you have to look at it. If you're getting treated like the nanny and not like a partner then you have to question whether that's really what you want to deal with long term.
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That’s exactly how I have been thinking of it, if that were me i’d be shot haha
When u notice him getting ready, go out a few holes in his tires. Blame it on hormones 😉
He knows you’re going to crack it so he’s avoiding it. The earlier he brings it up the longer he has you being negative about it.
I get you’re stressed and have a baby, maybe you also need a weekend away. Plan a different weekend.
What if she plans the same weekend he is going away, since she doesn't know? Is that OK or do you think the more grown up thing to do when you're a parent is to discuss things first? Not telling your partner this but discussing it in front of them doesn't sound like hes avoiding it, it says he doesn't give a f about his wife or what she feels. Obviously that would make someone "crack it" more.
100% he would not listen to my concerns about it and instead tell me “you'll be fine its what i’m doing it’s already booked” hence he will leave it to the absolute last minute to tell me anything.
I am just so frustrated he couldn’t have a decent conversation with me and ask what I think about the timing/dates/ what we or the other kids have on etc.
I would not leave my 3 month old baby for a weekend away. He would also not he okay with this, obviously.
Well you can either accept it or leave it. It honestly sounds like bullshit to me. He wouldn’t let you go? Thats all you need to know.
Don’t waste your time being frustrated at something you know he does and is not not going to change. Honestly, it just goes on and on. You have your own choices to make. They don’t change.
I totally agree... It won't change. He isn't showing you any respect.
What a selfish and rude prick! He has a 3 month old and wife to consider and doesn’t give a crap!
And this is the start of it for you. Home with baby where he wants you, while he goes off and does what he wants. No way! Put your foot down now, else you will be living this life for ever. Tell him if he doesn’t tell you what’s happening then he can go and not come back. I would be so angry. You have not long had a baby. A bit of consideration isn’t hard at all. So rude and selfish of him.
You sound jaded
You sound jaded commenter. You sound like someone hiding behind a keyboard who has nothing better to do than write stupid comments
Nope just 100 % truth If you don’t have an ounce of respect for your partner who has recently given birth then you don’t deserve her. It’s not hard to discuss it. It’s called respect! What if it was the other Way around. OMG how dare a mother leave her baby for a few days away. Don’t actually care what you think. It’s the truth.
Seriously? Lots of women return to work when bubs reaches 3 months. Noone would judge those mums and noone should judge this dad. If it was a mum i knew, everyone I know would be checking she had a decent breast pump and had trialled bottles with either expressed milk or formula to make sure there was no bottle refusal. And if they got nervous we'd be telling them they don't HAVE to go, bit time out can be a really healthy thing. It's a short amount of time!!!!!
The baby will be fine. So will the mum. Single parents everywhere do it on their own every single day. We're talking a really short amount of time here. Let's not make it into something it's not. The benefit of not being a single mum is that you have someone to help and can get away at times!
The issue isn’t about him going away. The issue is that she has recently had a baby and he hasn’t even had the decency to tell but his mates know. It’s total lack of respect. It shows that he actually doesn’t give a shit what she thinks🙄 He also has other kids & well hopefully he isn’t dumping them on her too.
You’re a disrespectful dick who doesn’t deserve a family if you think it’s ok to just go off on a weekend away with zero discussion about it with your partner.
It's a weekend. It's a short amount of time and you haven't indicated any reason you need someone supervising you with the baby. I completely agree that he should have spoken to you about it, but unless there is a reason you need him or something else on that is important, there's no reason that he shouldn't be able to get away. Lots of people manage having a young baby on their own for more than 2 days.
As a mum who had a child who had a lot of medical issues as a baby, agreeing to be the sole parent dealing with very little sleep, regular hospital visits at any hour, staying awake when bub did sleep to monitor their health etc so the other parent could have a weekend off was vital.
Let him go. If you're really concerned, check in with your local child health nurses etc now so you know what to do and where to get support if something happens that weekend. The plus side is that once bubs isn't breastfeeding, you can organise some time off for yourself and let him know he's holding down the fort too.
There are other children, his not mine. A business to run, and other responsibilities i would need to do for 4 days and 3 nights alone… and I do it alone 6 days a week my only break is when he gets home of a night and I may get a shower depending on the time. Bub does not day sleep and is showing signs of sleep regression during the day already. I do not think that him going away is fair right now as others have agreed.
I think you’re holding onto a lot of what you have done or had to do not thinking about what others also do/have done or have been through..
This was my comment originally. I'm not holding onto our struggles. I'm saying that having a spouse that prioritises letting you have time out out is important for coping with daily stresses, whether yours are big or small. It sounds like you are focusing on why it's inconvenient for him to go (different to needing him there) and not what he gains from it. He's not asking your permission. By the same token, you don't need to ask his permission to have time out at another stage. Unless this is a DV scenario and he actually forbids you, work with each other to make this happen. If he genuinely doesn't let you have time out, let him go and use the weekend as an opportunity to leave.
Did you miss the part where he has other children that are NOT hers that he’s expecting her to just take care of with no notice? You’re a selfish bitch of you think anything about any of this is ok and I feel bad for your partner/s.
He has other children that makes it worse.? Who is meant to look after them.? You 😳
If he's leaving you for that amount of time with that stuff going on, I would think seriously about whether or not this relationship is good for you. It's great for him, but is it good for you? My ex used to then use me not wanting him to go away for things like this as 'evidence' that I didn't want him to have fun... No, I just wanted respect and an equal parent. I didn't have that. And I don't think you do either. I'm MUCH better off without him and have an amazing husband who discusses things with me like when he wants to go fishing for the day or overnight.. It's just basic respect. You deserve better. xx
Also like i said above, i’d never be able to go away for a weekend and leave him home with the kids.
Hasn’t been possible for 10 years with his own kids, isn’t going to be possible with ours.. like I said, not fair
Being busy is just life love. He's not talking to you about it yet bcoz you're making him feel guilty. There are deeper issues here. He's probably had guilty trips from you more than once.
More like he has other kids to consider also. Why the hell should she sit home. He has more kids which should also equal more of his responsibility. He sounds like he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Imagine if mum went and left all the kids behind and not mention it to him. He is acting like he is owed this! Can’t even speak to her about it and she just had his baby.selfish Jerk 🤮
So he should feel guilty but I hardly doubt he is
Sounds like the biggest problem is that you dont feel you can get away when you want/need. Nothing wrong with expecting your spouse to cope with things for a bit so you get time out... even if they're a rough few days. But having it not be reciprocated is a huge issue.
I agree, he absolutely should be able to go away for the weekend, marriage isn't gaol.
However, you also need time-out, so be selfish like him, take time.
Obviously at the moment if you're breastfeeding you can't but your time will come and for now, take little spurts here and there.
Regularly tell him, you're home (give him a chance to settle in first after work), I'm going for a walk alone or taking a long bath etc.
Go out for coffee with friends on the weekend, get creative.
You're a team, help each other out, don't forbid or guilt your spouse for having a trip with friends.
Obviously if it was an every week thing or too often, that's unacceptable, family time is important.
Maybe I feel this way because I'm a single mum so do it all, all the time, but it just isn't that big of a deal to me.
It's only a weekend.
Also, if he can't be left alone with his own kids, why the hell would you choose to have a baby with him?
It's about time he learns, you'll be surprised how people cope when they have to.
You just tell him your plans and leave.
And make sure you leave information on things the kids have on if he doesn't normally organise those things.
So leave him with the kids but make sure he's settled after work and leave to do lists, wow no wonder you're all doormats just leave him with HIS kids if he doesn't know what he's doing that's his problem not the mother's.
Ummm... yeah! If I go away, I leave info on the stuff I normally do to help my husband. If he goes away, he does the same for me with what he normally takes care of. Why set each other up to fail?
I highly doubt he's leaving you lists if that's what you need to do for him, you can't both be that useless. If I was leaving my kids with a babysitter or a family member sure.
Maybe we just have more going on than others? To manage everything normally, we often split things up. If we did everything together we wouldn't get it all in, or our kids would miss out on fun stuff because the other stuff would be all we could fit in. Leaving info about things the other doesn't normally do reduces the stress on the person who isn't going away and helps things run smoothly.
Hubby went away a few weeks ago and I was taking our son to an appointment that he usually does. He drew me a map of the parking situation so I didn't park in the most obvious section and need to walk further when my back was playing up. Normally I'm doing gymnastics pick-up but my daughter missed that week anyway because I can't be in 2 places at once. Notes have nothing to do with someone being useless.
There’s communicating between the two to keep a busy household running. Then there’s weaponised incompetence. He doesn’t need a checklist of basic how to’s.
I just said wait until he's settled after work because I used to hate getting home from work and everyone was at me immediately, I just needed a few minutes to wind down lol
However, I see what you are saying and agree.
Exactly. If you re-read my comment, you'll see it in no way referred to a check list of basic how to's.
Is this the first time in however many years you've been together?
I would go the next weekend, don't even tell him, when he gets home from work, go. If it's OK for him it's OK for you.
So he has other kids that aren't yours, that you also have to look after? Hate to tell you this but you're the nanny. He's not discussing this with you because he has zero respect for you as a person, you're his doormat, his home help. I would be gone before he takes off.
In the scheme of life this trip away probably shouldn’t stress you out this much.
Maybe look at the things you have on your plate…. Is it the trip or the burden of other things?
Wow, so who are you exactly? Are you his wife, or his live in maid and Babysitter? The lack of respect from him is disgusting. You also mentioned he has another weekend planned in November as well. Seems he's living his best life while you are stuck at home with a baby. I would say to him that you are going out and then tell him you don't know which weekend but he will need to make sure he's available all weekends just in case. Make sure you use the sarcastic, rudest tone with him when you say it. Be pissed now, not later. If he still does not get it, then do it. Make him suffer. If he refuses to look after the baby because he's a man child, get a sitter. I could not tolerate a selfish man like this ever again. Thank goodness I found a good one the second time around.
There's no indication he's going away frequently. He appears to be going away once but noted there is 1 weekend he's not available. I can't imagine being so controlled that I couldn't do something with my friends occasionally. Or so controlling that my husband couldn't. Isolation from other meaningful relationships is a major DV flag.
Are you implying from the post that the OP is a DV perpetrator? I hope you didn't hurt yourself because that's the biggest reach I've ever seen, giving off gaslighty vibes.
Definitely do not stop him from spending time outside of the home, most of the time he is/we are. If he actually spoke to me about it I would suggest going once bub is about 6/7 months and we have settled into our house/new area that we are both unsure about as are the kids, the business is quieter (after Christmas) and our 2 new puppies aren’t 4 months old too and don’t require so much attention. Like I said there’s lots going on right now and it’s just the absolute shittest timing for him to be going away for a random weekend. I am even more annoyed my Father in law he is going with has not thought of this too. (Its not a mates weekend away, its with his Dad and Uncle)
Do not worry, some of us actually read your entire post and your responses and can tell he is being unreasonable, rude and disrespectful. These women commenting "he deserves a life" are ignoring all the red flags. He does deserve a break but so do you! My comment stands, he sounds like an entitled man-child. BTW my new partner goes out/away, including a big trip every year and I still feel appreciated and loved. Do not listen to the silly women telling you to just 'suck it up'.
Yes! Exactly this! Communication and respect are the basis of any relationship. Run!!
Pathetic that you assume she is isolating him. He is having plenty of time out of the house, isolating his wife looking after their baby and his other children and withholding information so he is in control and she cannot make her own plans. I know which one sounds more abusive and it's not her.
Here they are - the bunch of chooks that pop up on here every now and again, they get an idea and won’t let anybody say anything different. It’s so small-minded and unhelpful.
It’s not fucking controlling, it’s having basic respect for the person who is your PARTNER to discuss these things and make sure it doesn’t inconvenience them before making plans that affect the whole household. Are you really that self centred that you don’t think about anybody else before you just go off and do whatever the fuck you want? Guess what dear? You are also abusive by doing that and expecting them to just take care of YOUR children and household for you with ZERO discussion about it.