My 12 year old daughter has told me numerous times she hates her father and wants him to be kicked out of the house. He is a very self centered man who spends little to no time with her but then likes to tell me every now and then I am alienating him. He has been increasingly distant and does not take advice (like saying to chat to her more and show an interest in what she does) well. My relationship with him is quite rocky due to him controlling but I have always encouraged her relationship with him. She is quite insistent that she hates him and I have asked if there is anything deeper to it but she says there isn't and she just doesn't like him as a person.
I'm not sure what to do. Personally I'd love him gone but don't want my issues with him to ruin a father/daughter relationship.
12 year old hates her father
12 year old hates her father
Posted in:
Kids
65 Replies
Your issues and your relationship are separate to her relationship with him. Seems like staying 'for her' isnt exactly helping anything anyway.
I would say hate and resentment and feeling unheard can be so infuriating and heartbreaking that that IS the deeper issue, she doesnt need anything more to feel as strongly as she does.
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I’m tipping she hates him as she’d feel rejected by him on a daily basis. How horrible for her.
Staying with him won’t help her relationship with him. She has no respect for him and she is fast loosing respect for you because you won’t separate.
Your daughter sees and knows that her dad his controlling and abusive and is begging for you to leave and to have a happy healthy home.
She is more likely to respect you and him if you leave him.
Spot on!!
Kids are the best judge of character. My son hated his dad for the same reasons since he was 4. Hes 22 now and still hates him.
Nope, you have alienated your child to hate his father. 4 year olds don't hate their own parents.
4 year olds definitely have feelings. They are hard wired to stick to a parent for caregiving, but if the parent repeatedly doesnt meet their basic needs of love and connection they know it, especially if they have one parent that does.
Yeah, I call bull shit. You definitely had a major role in your 4 year old hating his dad.
Hey you nasty woman, who called this 'bull shit'. When you've ecperienced a parent who deliberately does nothing with their child for years, even into adulthood, forgetting birthdays, Christmases, and any other special occasion, then come back and see me!
What an insulting comment to all the mothers who post on here about their partners being shit parents.
You are a toxic piece of work who delusionally thinks the shit parents is the result of another persons fault.
Wake up to yourself woman !
My daughter also doesn’t like her biological father from the age of 4. He met none of her needs as a child, she was subjected to emotional and physical abuse though court ordered contact which took another 1.5years before child safety took the allegations of abuse seriously, during which time I was told to send her for contact or lose custody to the father. She’s 19 now still hates him.
I’m 100% on your side. A child at 4 can dislike/hate a parent and it doesn’t always have anything to do with one parent alienating the child from the other parent.
No, a 4 year old wouldn't realise their needs aren't being met. That is ridiculous. Alienated children can hate their parents from a young age, but not naturally.
Thats an interesting concept youre flogging, you must have no proof since its not true and youre ignoring anybody who gives you yet another example. It could be either, both are possible. OP has said its toxic. Chances are high shes heard mum say things (and dad) and also she's seen him be a dick too many times and also shes seen and heard and experienced other things she shouldnt have. If we focus on moving forward, whats the solution here?
Kids don't hate parents without influence. I know I'm going to get hate from all the Mums of kid hating Dad's but it's actually true. Even grossly neglected kids will love their parents. The fact she says she doesn't like him as a person with no actual reasoning behind it says that she is pretty rude and disrespectful and maybe you're enabling her to feel this way by treating him the same way.
I will add also that I am a 40 year old woman who has cut her own father out due to lack of care for me throughout my life but I still do not hate him. My own kids Dad is also a shit parent and they see him once a year or two as he's too busy playing happy families with someone else. Do they hate him? Nope, I have never said a bad word about him but they are learning for themselves what kind of man he is.
Kids often use the word "hate" when they don't have the skills or emotional maturity to articulate strong or complex feelings.
Based on my own childhood experiences, I daresay she is feeling a combination of anger, sadness, hurt, rejection, insecurity, jealously and most likely a bit of resentment (possibly to both parents in that regard for putting her right in the middle.of their toxic relationship). It's also entirely possible that it's crippling her self esteem, meaning she may end up hating herself as well.
She doesn’t like him as a person? This comment seems like she has either over heard mum complaining about dad OR it is a comment that mum has made directly to her regarding her father. People that young don’t just hate their parents for no reason
Shes said its a toxic relationship. You think a 12 year old can live in that and not hate somebody for it.
There's not "no reason" though!
Her dad is entirely disinterested in her, years of that will definitely create a dislike of him as a person.
It's ridiculous to think a 12 year old doesn't know that they dislike someone, especially if that person is supposed to love them unconditionally.
So many kids have parents like this though! It's really common. Not saying it's great but it is common. Kids don't hate parents without a helping hand.
I also believe what theyre saying is they're frustrated but what they really wish is he'll be different/better. They'll give a million chances to their parents.
Sounds like dad's complete indifference to his child was the helping hand, but sure blame mum...
Well if Mum hasn't influenced the 12 year old someone else has. I'm guessing it is Mum though, going by the negativity in the post and the fact she is actually considering booting her husband out of his own house because their 12 year old said so.
Did you not read that he is controlling? Pay attention before you open your mother and stop victim blaming
What kind of family dynamic is it when a 12 year old is demanding her own father be kicked out of his own house? I'm sorry but this sounds more like you have a problem with your child if she is dictating things in your home. This wouldn't even be thought of in my home.
I’m glad somebody else had that thought. That’s pretty much all I got out of the original post. 12 year old hormonal pre teen hates parent (as they all do at one stage) and is demanding he be kicked out of the house he pays for?
He is controlling did you not read?
Who says he pays for the house? He doesn't. I wrote the post, he contributes nothing at all to the house says he is "wanting to not be a dad for a while" and sits in a room all day talking to people from other countries on his computer and pays zero attention to his child.
I think you're the problem here. So you've been together all this time and you don't let him consider the house you all live in as his? If genders were reversed everyone would be saying that's wrong. Do you tell him in front of your child that he doesn't contribute to the house? Do you degrade him? Maybe there's a reason he locks himself in his room? Have a look at your own behaviour and check you're not the abusive one.
I didn't say the house isn't half his, the previous comment assumed he pays for it when he doesn't. Yet you call me controlling?? I am made to sleep on the floor, work full time as well as do all domestic jobs, have to be back within a certain time if I am doing groceries and get questioned as to who I was with if my drive home from work takes longer than he thinks it should. But sure, call me controlling.
victim blaming again
Different commenter here , What a rude fucking victim blaming Slag you are to this poster. You horrible low life woman. In fact you're probably more Animal than Woman. You have some serious personal issues in your own backyard that you need to resolve, it's showing up in all your comments, you Trolling mole. Stop Victim blaming and minimising her concerns. You seriously need some immediate therapy if you haven't already , your outbusts aren't normal.
Says someone that wrote a comment like this 😂
There she is again deflecting her victim blaming ^^ and when she's pulled up on it she can't see her own issues.
If this hit a nerve with you then so it should ! Your offence to being told off is not my problem. Maybe you'll think twice before victim blaming in future.
You're the controlling one. You obviously treat him like shit and your daughter sees you do it, hence the behaviour. Grow up. He's right, you are alienating him. I hope he does leave and finds someone who will treat him better and take half the house while he's at it.
He won’t get half of anything, he’s a male.
I am made to sleep on the floor, work full time as well as do all domestic jobs ad give him money when he has spent all of his on online games each fortnight, have to be back within a certain time if I am doing groceries and get questioned as to who I was with if my drive home from work takes longer than he thinks it should. If he texts me when I am work and I don't answer within a certain amount of time, that automatically means I'm cheating and not just doing my job. But sure, I'm treating him like shit
Nobody can make you sleep on the floor
Really? when they wake you up in the middle of the night and tell you to sleep on the floor and they are being agressive and start taking away the bedding and leaving the lights on and yelling , that's called making you sleep on the floor. You have no idea.
Actually I have a very good idea of what it’s like to live in a dv relationship, so don’t even start with that. But if it’s as bad as you are saying then you would have taken steps to have him removed from the home and a restraining order
Not when my every move is being tracked and I cannot get to a court to get it done.
If he was watching your every move how have you been able to be on the site writing about him with out being caught?
Then you would be in the perfect place to have him charged if he is tracking you and is that bad then why haven’t you gone to the police or done a runner with your daughter? I’m not saying you are in the wrong. You need help. Get out now if he is that bad!!
Please call 1800respect when you're safe and able to do so. They'll be able to give you much better advice and support than you're currently getting from this lot.
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If theres a good thing to take, then shes narrowed down that she cant solve the daughter issue until she resolves her own relationship with him, thats the real problem. So next time she asks for help, or thinks about the daughter acting out, she'll start off more focused right away. Its definitely time to speak to people and start making changes.
As someone that's been in a long term DV relationship, I'm not getting that vibe from this. DV victims want to escape, not kick their partner out because a controlling/violent person would never just walk out the door because they were asked to.
Fair enough. Either way, isnt speaking to someone and getting the ball rolling with separating the best thing for OP to do. At the end of it, its the daughter that is paying the biggest price for every day that they both continue this.
Not all DV victims want to escape. I’ve been in DV and wanted him to leave!!! Actually I just wanted him to change because I loved him. It was my house, I lived in before he came along. It was my stuff I’ve brought with my own money from working. It was mine and his child I wanted to stay in our house. I didn’t want to have to uproot the children because of his behaviour! I didn’t want to lose all I had because of his actions. I didn’t want to have to start again because of a man that came into our lives with nothing. Sometimes it does take our children saying something like they ‘hate’ their other parent before we leave because we’re so focused on trying to keep the peace and keep things normal that we don’t realise over time we’ve been broken down mentally and emotionally. Yes they can force you to sleep on the floor, they can even force you to hand over money when it’s all you have. We might ‘choose’ to sleep on the floor (if you wanna paint it that way) but we were forced into that choice because the bedding was removed, or the verbal abuse started, or they hit, pushed or shoved us, the lights left on. We don’t want to subject ourselves to more. We’re broken. We’re hurting. We’ve been beaten down. We’ve been isolated. We’re trying to protect our children. We’re trying to keep the peace.
NOT ALL DV IS THE SAME!
I made the original post and thank you. I don't know why all the time victims and children have to move out and be uprooted. I have tied to kick him out before but he refuses to leave so I would have to get an order to have him removed but I am just at the exhaustion phase where I am trying to keep the peace and think about what to do but it is all very overwhelming. I am just trying to gather my energy for the next move whilst trying to ensure more issues don't arise (but they always do because he will find something to have an issue with) so yes, I sleep on the floor because that way I get a full nights sleep with no interruptions for the most part. Thank you
Moving out and moving on will be the best thing you do. There is no fixing this and there is nothing good to come out of waiting and riding it out... for what? Until when? Go and start living your best life. You only get one. Your children only get one.