Basically I had a one night stand with a guy off tinder who has since deleted me after we met up. I found out I am pregnant, I am happy to continue the pregnancy and do this on my own.
Has anyone gone through something similar? Did you tell people the truth or just say the Dad doesn’t want to be around.
Also how does this work with child support and FTB, because as far as I am aware saying you don’t know who the father is isn’t enough.
Thanks
59 Replies
Firstly get yourself an STD check if you havnt already. Lets hope you were honest with him regarding birth control.
Also the father deserves to know and have just as much rights as you if he chooses to be involved. At least that way you dont have to lie to your future child who may want to know more about their own identity when they get older.
If the father decides to have nothing to do with either of you then at least you have that to stand on when making claims to centerlink. Lying is an offence and he also doesnt deserve to have an 18 year child support debt for a long lost child that was hidden from him.
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CS isn’t backdated for 18 years. It’s only backdated from the date of claim.
Wow! There was no talk about birth control thanks. I didn’t ask about that nor getting checked for std. What the hell am I lying about? I can’t contact this person at all. Your judgment is not needed nor your accusations.
When you sleep with a stranger off the internet and get pregnant people are going to judge you. Something you will have to get used to
Lol welcome to the new day and age. Sorry you are so perfect
Lol welcome to the new day and age. Sorry you are so perfect
Yeah nah, if you judge someone for having consexual sex you're going to be disliked and YOU can get used to that.
I think it’s the natural thing to do, get an sti check.
You fucked a stranger, if you indeed used barrier contraception, it clearly failed and you don’t know him from a bar of soap, so the risk is high. You don’t even have his number or even know his last name.
If in fact you didn’t use barrier contraception, then he’s the type of guy who fucks strangers without contraception, so it’s double the risk.
Go get tested, please, especially since you are pregnant, there could be a risk to the baby.
Pregnancy isn’t the only thing you could of got from him.
Thanks i am an adult and well aware of what I need to do. I also asked if you have been through something similar which you haven’t so no need to lecture me.
My sister went through this and I guess is still going through this as she would have to keep explaining it to people. But she copes amazingly well and it's such a non issue. My niece is now 9 and bio dad had decided to occasionally be in her life from about 4 years of age. Because mum and dad share no emotional connection this works really well. Everyone in the situation seems happy and my Neice talks so excitedly when she has been to see her Dad. It is only about once a year at the moment but it's more than she has ever had. Centrelink have the father as unknown and he is not on the birth certificate, whether that changes or not I don't know. Just be prepared for doing this on your own. Most decent guys wouldn't be able to live happily knowing they have flesh and blood out there that they have never met, so also be prepared for a change of heart down the track and having to co parent with your tinder date. If you think you can cope either way then go for it, just tell Centrelink you don't know who the father is as it's not fair they get slugged for child support in this situation, when it's your choice to keep it.
It’s not about being not fair on him when it comes to him being slugged for C/Support just because she chooses to keep the baby. It’s law. weather he agrees to the pregnancy or not, he lawfully should pay. He doesn’t get a choice.
How would you like your one off Tinder Date to tell you that he's adopting a baby and expects you to pay for it for the next 18 years because there's a law that says that's OK? The only difference is she naturally conceived. If it were me there's no way I would want to be co parenting with a one night stand! Asking for child support does invite him into the child's life.
And that in its self is so fricken wrong! Men get no choice, but pay up buddy
Sorry what the hell are you on about?? He had sex that made a baby. All these people thinking he shouldn't be responsible because it was only once. No wonder so many aren't responsible if theyre raised this way. We all know how babies are made - it takes ONE TIME.
It doesn't matter that it takes one time. Mum gets a choice on whether she wants to be reminded of her Tinder hook up for the rest of her life but Dad has no say. I personally think in the case of pregnancies that result from one night stands both parents should get a choice in whether they continue as a parent to that child, but the choice should be made in pregnancy not 5 years down the track.
Yes I agree he should know from pregnancy. Whether he supports is a different matter as fact is fact, he made a baby. Men know that once they put their sperm inside a woman's body that decision is out of their hands.
I’d make a big effort to contact him. He deserves to know, even if he opts out. Most people are contactable somehow these days. If he really had disappeared totally then there is nothing you can do about that. But your child will eventually have questions and you’ll want to tell them you did everything you could to tell there dad.
My sons dad hasn’t been in the picture since he was six weeks old (his choice). My son is now in his 20’s. To be honest, nobody asks because it’s none of there business.
The only people who know the story are people who were around us at the time.
I agree. At least knowing his name and how to contact him if you need to will be best to get now. You never know what will happen in the future, you may need it and your child will definitely want it eventually
This happened to me. It was a one night stand, but the only difference was , was that I knew the dad as we were friends from years before. After I got pregnant he disappeared, and one day sent me a message to say he refused to go on the birth certificate and refused to ever pay child support. I gave him his wish. No child support and no name on the birth certificate. My child is now 16 and a few years ago, the bloke turned up wanting to see my kid . He has since married and had two other children. He still refused to pay child support. He was being encouraged by his wife to see my child, I don’t believe he ever really wanted to on his own. He has a wife to please afterall. Happy wife, happy life as they say .
But I didn’t want this confusion for my child, some man waltzing back in as he pleased. I allowed a few visits, then when I realised child support was still absolutely not going to be paid and he and his wife were calling the shots on when and how they wanted to see my child, I removed all contact and never allowed it again. After all, that’s my child that I raised singlehandedly for years, he just doesn’t get to walk on back in enjoying all the easy parts. My child was content with this, as my child never knew him anyway.
My child is two years away from 18, so can decide for oneself at the time. I don’t see it as very likely though, but I’ll support it then if that’s what child wants. With a backstory too of how it all happened and why he walked. I’m hiding nothing from my kid if I’m asked after their 18th birthday.
I told everyone the truth from day dot. Who he was, and that he walked, and refused to pay child support, and refused to go on the birth certificate. I’m not hiding or lying about a single thing to protect his arse, and my kid has a right to know the truth about what he did too , anytime from age 18. But only if I get asked. I won’t just bring it up otherwise.
Saying you don’t know the father is most certainly enough if you don’t. You with still get FTB. In my case I earn too much so have never qualified for FTB. I raised my own child and you can too. Nobody gets to jump in on that half way through! Hell no! Especially since he also has a great income but still refused to help provide.
That is really disturbing that you won't allow your 16 year old son to see his Dad because he doesn't pay Child Support. Honestly sounds like you're talking about something you own, not a human being who is basically an adult.
You are a terrible person
Really? How is she terrible? Do you understand the mental anguish and damage you can cause for a teenager allowing an absent parent just to wander back in. Go troll somewhere else. This mum has done exactly as she should - been open and honest about who he is, what happened and given the father the chance to be involved which he declined.
I’m sick and tired of custodial parents being trashed for not encouraging relationships with absent, careless parents. As if it’s not hard enough to be a single parent without having to encourage and nurture a relationship with a deadbeat.
The father didn't decline though, he wanted to be in the boy's life, even though a bit late he still wanted to. Teenager was happy, it was Mum who stopped it for her own reasons. Lack of child support is her own fault because she didn't put him on the birth certificate. Him not being on the birth certificate would have made any prior attempts at contact impossible without the mother on side and I will take a guess this is why he refused to pay anything, anyone will tell you don't pay child support for a child if you are not on the birth certificate, it wouldn't go through the system to start with it would all be extra cash for her and he would have been supporting a child who he had no legal way of being part of his life. Considering she seemed bitter about his initial rejection I doubt she was going to be very welcoming to him. She posted about this situation before and Dad made contact to the son via fb and asked him not to tell his mum. This poster was not going to let her child meet his father because she was more worried about the lack of child support and not upsetting her partner than she was about her own son and what he thought. Good to see she at least 'allowed' 2 meetings. Poor kid will probably cop all kinds of emotional abuse and guilt tripping when he's 18 and apparently can make his own decisions.
Yes I remember that, the poor kid was more worried about upsetting step dad, very, very sad.
I remember the post, I don’t recall reading this is the same person though?
Yeah true, we’re making a lot of assumptions, good point.
It's not about what you tell "people" because it's absolutely none of their business. It is about what you will tell your child down the track!
That child will have questions, most of us have the desire to know our heritage, lineage and who/where we came from so it's fair to assume your child will have those desires too.
I think you kind of have the responsibility to try and track him down and let him know, I'm sure pregnancy wasn't something he bargained for but it's not really fair to let him go on with his life completely unaware he has a child. He should be given a choice to opt out or step up!
Well considering he blocked me after we had sex shows a lot. I have tried to contact him not much more I can do.
Hires PI. do everything in your power to tell him.
Sorry I don’t have the money to hire a private investigator to look for someone. That’s a bit ridiculous
Sorry I don’t have the money to hire a private investigator to look for someone. That’s a bit ridiculous
You don’t need a PI. Make a fake tinder account.
He may be the biggest dickhead in the world, but you still need to tell him.
Won’t seem ridiculous once your kid starts asking....and they will
It’s half of your future child’s DNA, their heritage and you think it’s ridiculous.
Okay then....don’t worry about it.
I assume you don’t know how much private investigators cost. I’m not going to put myself into finical hardship.
I’ve been thinking about this post, you seem happy to be pregnant, possibly no contraception used, absolutely no inclination to let the guy know, I can’t help but wonder if this was planned. Not judging, cheaper than a sperm donor I assume, just curious....
You don’t need to listen to the other posters judging you. You know your situation and no one else does. If you’ve tried to contact him and you couldn’t it’s meant to be like this. Yes it’d be nice for them to have knowledge but hiring a P.I. Is over the top.
Maybe tell people that the guy isn’t around anymore.
In this day and age it’s almost impossible to not be able to find somebody off the internet. Track him down, tell him the truth (will probably need a DNA test) and give him the chance to raise his child 50/50
So tell me how to find him when tinder only gives a first name. There are thousands of Michael’s on the internet
You'll find him, if he's on tinder you'll find him there again. Didn't you trade numbers before you met up?
Delete the app, download again and make a brand new account - if you use the same phone number / account previously you may still be blocked so make sure you are using whichever device (Facebook or mobile number) you didn't use previously. If you cannot get this to work then see if a friend can download the app. Atleast by doing this you have tried all avenues.
I see a totally different obstacle here.
What about genetic conditions? Risks of cystic fibrosis for example. Birth defects etc. mental health trough generations, etc etc etc.
Not to mention this man may have other children, how horrific would it be for them to meet as lovers when in fact they’re half siblings ?
I’m just assuming here, as you didn’t get a last name, you most likely didn’t get a family history.
This may not be a good thing for your child. You need to know about the genetics, family history of heart disease, appendicitis, history of ear, nose throats etc.
It’s all rather important to know.
I’d suggest making a new account, under a new name, find him, meet up, and hit him with the news
Or just send the message- your full name, date you hooked up, pregnancy that you're keeping and going alone. Your phone number and email address.
Ignore the unhelpful advice.
I am in this situation and have a 7year old from it. At 18 I was big into partying out everynight blind drunk.. I found out at six months I was pregnant. I had absolutely no way of finding out who the dad was.. I didn’t remember who I was partying or where at a week ago let alone six months ago.. I was to far past termination point or would have gone down that road.
I didn’t tell people at first.. I told my family it was someone’s i was partying with and he wasn’t being involved and those I was parting with that it was someone from back home.. I moved back home so eventually told family and extremely close friends (4 of them) the true circumstances and I don’t actually know the dad and that was it nothing from it.
About 4 miss 7 started asking about “dad” I had it easy as her best kindy friend had two dads so just said some people have Mum,dad some just have Mum or dad and some have two mums/dads. She left it and now my partner of 4 years is “dad” she knows he’s not biological dad but doesn’t question anymore. Haven’t hid it from her dodged more in-depth questions around the age of 5 but as my partner was starting to be in the picture it’s not something she kept bringing up. I won’t lie to her if she asks when she’s old enough to understand but won’t deliberately bring it up if she doesn’t question it
Are you 100% certain that he is the father of this baby?
How is this helpful? Obviously yes.
It was an honest question. Before tracking down a guy that’s most probably married if he blocked you so quick to tell him your pregnant with his baby. I was asking if there was a possibility it was somebody else’s. I mean come on you shagged a stranger off the internet without even knowing his last name, it’s not a far fetched thought that you have done this before and probably often
I will tell you this... out of all of my single mum friends, many many have absent dad's. But when you get speaking to them, there is a story, and 99% know who he is and why he's not around.
So if you're thinking you see lots of single mums, that's one thing and your child won't be different. But if you're assuming none of them know of the dad or how to find them if and when it comes up, youre wrong, your e creating an extra issue for yourself and your child there. It won't ever be easier to find him than it is now.