My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We have 3 beautiful children (very young in age) and we have had our fair share of ups and downs (like everybody).
Recently we went on a child free trip away. We had never had a honeymoon, so took this as our opportunity.
One of the nights we were by the pool, drinking cocktails. I felt a bit sick, so I went back to the room. I sent him (approx 5 messages) over the space of 30 minutes asking him to “please come and help me”. I never got a response.
I fell asleep.. and woke up 1.5hrs later. He still wasn’t here. I called him a few times, no answer. I went up to the pool, couldn’t find him. I kept calling him and walking around the resort (I went into panic mode).
About 20-30mins later, I see him walking towards our room. He said he had been down on the beach watching the sunset (with a lady - just them, who he had met at the pool). Said he had seen my message approx 30 mins after I sent them, but assumed I was asleep so decided to go with her to the beach..
I said what about the second times I tried calling. He said he sore his phone flashing on the table, “missed the call” (I called numerous times) and assumed I was awake so decided to come back. The beach is less than a 5 minute walk.
Thoughts? Why didn’t he come back when he read the messages? Why did he answer, or call me back and invite me to the beach?
Am I overreacting?
UPDATE
Maybe I am an overly jealous person? This is why I turned to this page, for guidance and advice. Because I felt I wasn’t seeing things clearly and I needed another perspective.
But to those who called me a “sook”, “whinging bitch”, “controlling” (the list goes on) - I may be all those things (in your eyes), but to me they seemed directed to hurt and upset me (maybe you’ll say I’m a sook for calling it out).
I was feeling a “bit sick”, which turned into me vomiting up blood (hence the messages to him). I was in a foreign country and just wanted his help (because I was freaking out). I ended up passing out.. then when I came too (in a haze) I panicked he wasn’t back (it was pitch black outside) and (yes I walked) I got up and looked for him..
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Thank you. This is kind of how I felt. I was more upset that I had asked for his help, he read my message (albeit later) and decided to ignore them. Then leave where he was and keep drinking, alone with another woman.
I am absolutely gutted by the horrendous remarks from the other women here. The remarks are cutting enough to send a person into a deep dark place of despair when the poster is clearly seeking support.
What your husband did was COMPLETELY and UTTERLY wrong.
My heart goes out to you dear mum and I encourage you to seek support from a professional in how to manage this situation.
He did breach the trust that is expected in a committed relationship where you are there for each other through good and bad.
Not forgetting this is a kid free break / honeymoon to build connection. You don’t ignore the messages and phone calls and make lame excuses of why you didn’t head back to the hotel.
Not forgetting that there have been reports of assaults/murders in recent years of foreigners being targeted at resorts...
https://news.yahoo.com/dominican-republic-resort-temporarily-closes-0426...
The fact he chose to ignore tour messages/calls and stay with a random woman or whoever, is a serious concern.
I don’t think he’s being truthful and quite possibly hasn’t for a while.
Please look after yourself and your children first. To be honest I would even be cautious about intimacy because where there’s cheating urges and alcohol, I’m wondering if he has done more. So you don’t want to expose yourself to something more.
And I really do hope for the best for you. You don’t deserve that dismissal at all. You are worthy of a better life partner and future.
Keep strong and listen to your gut and pay attention to his voice, words, face and manner when he denies. It speaks volumes.
Also how is your gastric upset and have you been able to determine why the bleeding?
Hope you’re ok dear mum. Just remember to ignore the nasty women and the remarks. They’re just plain awful and lack the kindness that this world needs. XO
Why would he not enjoy the location if he was hanging out with a bloke he got along with? I'd do this with a guy or girl and so would my hubby. Particularly if one of us was unwell and had gone back to the room to rest.
I didn’t have an issue with him staying where he was. It was the fact just both of them chose to leave that location.
you felt sick and went to bed leaving him to continue on to enjoy his night? You bombard him with messages and pleads for help? What did you need? Him to sit next to you and stroke your hair? Call an ambulance? I don’t actually understand why you needed him if you were well enough to get up and go for a walk. Why isn’t he allowed to enjoy his night, why is it an issue that he met a stranger and decided to have a drink? Why is it so bad that they went and enjoyed the scenery, I mean it’s a holiday, isn’t that the point. Has he cheated before? You you have trust issues? Are you normally this dramatic about feeling ill and your husband not running to your side? Do you normal like him to sit things out so he can be by your side, is that why he ignored you? Seems like your leaving a lot out to make him look bad
Gaslighter! What a nasty response! Read her post again and honestly ask yourself if it warrants guilt tripping the OP and make her feel as though she has done the wrong thing.
Everything was that was written was a question, how is that gaslighting?
That's exactly what gaslighters do!
To answer your questions.
you felt sick and went to bed leaving him to continue on to enjoy his night?
Yes, that is exactly what I did.
You bombard him with messages and pleads for help?
I didn’t realise 5 simple messages (I think it might have been 3) over a 30/40min period was bombarding.
What did you need?
I needed him to help me, like the messages said. I was vomiting up blood, more than twice. I was worried and scared.
Him to sit next to you and stroke your hair?
Potentially, if it helped comfort me because of the scared state I was in? To support me? Help me maybe?
Call an ambulance?
Again, potentially - if both of us deemed it to be necessary. I didn’t even know how to call one in another country.
I don’t actually understand why you needed him if you were well enough to get up and go for a walk.
I woke up afterwards, I was in a haze and a panic my husband wasn’t in the room with me. It was pitch black. It wasn’t a walk, it was panic. Neither of us were knowledgeable of the are, he wasn’t answering his phone and I had left him drinking in a pool - panic was setting in.
Why isn’t he allowed to enjoy his night, why is it an issue that he met a stranger and decided to have a drink?
Never said he wasn’t allowed to enjoy his night?
My thoughts were why did they leave the “pool”, just them two (there was others with them when I had left), to then walk to the beach .. not as a group, but as a duo..(hence what my whole post was about)
Why is it so bad that they went and enjoyed the scenery, I mean it’s a holiday, isn’t that the point.
Again, my query was around why they left the pool (perfect sunset from the pool) and if it was normal/acceptable behaviour because I wasn’t thinking clearly and I wasn’t sure if it was.. again, why I was seeking advice.
Has he cheated before?
No
You you have trust issues?
I am assuming you are saying “do you have trust issues?”, no I wouldn’t think I do. But this scenario didn’t sit well with me.
Are you normally this dramatic about feeling ill and your husband not running to your side?
I wouldn’t think so? Vomiting blood has me scared and I wanted my husband to help me... I don’t think that is an out of the norm thing?
Do you normal like him to sit things out so he can be by your side, is that why he ignored you?
I am not sure where this is going? But no. My husband has quite an active social life, and I don’t think I need to justify anything further (which I feel is all I am doing when I was genuinely confused and upset and just seeking advice - not judgment).
Seems like your leaving a lot out to make him look bad
I think I explained all that I could, without writing a novel.
I'm not trying to doubt your story here, I'm just curious why you chose to word it in the original post that you went to bed feeling a bit sick but you add in the comments as an afterthought that you were vomiting blood and potentially needing an abulance?
That's fairly serious and probably should have been included in the original post for context.
At worst he was inconsiderate or perhaps he was just unaware you were that unwell. Jumping to cheating as a first conclusion is in my opinion a pretty big over reaction, especially when he gave you what i feel are plausible explaiations and seems to have been straight up with you about where he was and who he was with.
Not only that but he'd have to be pretty brazen and narcissistic to take the chance to cheat on you knowing you were asleep and sick 5 minutes away in the resort room.
Have you guys considered marriage counselling? I feel like that may be something you need to look into.
Yes I agree, I suppose because I did leave the pool because I was only feeling sick which turned into worse. Sorry I didn’t think that was relevant. I just assumed by saying I text him needing help that it was clear I actually needed him, not make me out to be needy and insecure.
Yes I definitely believe he was inconsiderate. He wanted to keep drinking and had the attention of another woman, I honestly don’t blame him. I am just hurt.
Yes. I think it’s pretty extreme to cheat on a holiday. But part of me thought. Is that why they went to the beach? Out of view? I don’t know, just a lot was going through my mind.
No we haven’t. This is a once off. But considering I’m still questioning it, maybe we should be.
You would know all about Narcissists considering youre the epitome of one.
You should not even have yo explain or justify yourself its ridiculous you are being made feel like a crazy person and the blame put on you!
Pretty simple he did not give two hoots and heads down the beach with a random woman ! Nothing to do with insecurities on your behalf even if you were not sick ya do not do that ! He really sounds like he is disconnected and let himself slip up ! Absolutely no need to leave a group and go down the beach with said woman I would be trying to locate her and asking her what happened even then you would never get the truth ! He just gave you a disrespectful shit sandwhich and your meant to accept that behaviour what's next!! There is always a next, once that marks starts to slip bigger things happen then your gut really cranks up !
Thank you. I have actually found her on FB, but what would I even ask? Would she even be honest with me?
How is asking logical questions gaslighting?
"you felt sick and went to bed leaving him to continue on to enjoy his night? You bombard him with messages and pleads for help? What did you need? Him to sit next to you and stroke your hair? Call an ambulance? I don’t actually understand why you needed him if you were well enough to get up and go for a walk. Why isn’t he allowed to enjoy his night, why is it an issue that he met a stranger and decided to have a drink? Why is it so bad that they went and enjoyed the scenery, I mean it’s a holiday, isn’t that the point. Has he cheated before? You you have trust issues? Are you normally this dramatic about feeling ill and your husband not running to your side? Do you normal like him to sit things out so he can be by your side, is that why he ignored you? Seems like your leaving a lot out to make him look bad"
In your one paragraph you ask 16 questions, each one assuming that the OP is needy and makes her look controlling. THAT is gaslighting! Bombarding someone with questions like that, one after the other and assuming the answer for each one before moving onto the next is classic gaslighting! Ever watched old lawyer shows? They do the same thing because it manipulates the person they are questioning into believing they are incapable or at fault and left to question their own reality.
Maybe if you knew what a loving partner was love, then you'd be able to answer your own crazy questions
Exactly! It's almost amusing that the same person who is admitting just how low their standards are is trying to brag about how great their relationship is. Lol
Crazy biatch
There's one or two nasty bitches on here who like nothing better than gaslighting some posters. I would HATE to be their husbands or children, what a toxic environment. You should get decent feedback on facebook because they don't have the guts to act like this where they can't be anonymous.
Suggesting that perhaps he did nothing wrong and is trustworthy is a) not nasty and b) probably an indication that our relationships are very healthy.
I definitely don’t see a problem with posts about A & B. It’s more so when people are making unnecessary comments directed at me when I am clearly upset by the situation (whether you believe I should be or not).
Saying something like “I don’t think it is cheating, because I think that maybe x...y....z....” and NOT “why would he respond when you bombarded him with needy texts” “you did this” “you are that” etc.
Positive - no judgemental advice is what I came to this page for, not name calling (needy bitch) etc.
Okay so here is another way to look at it. He actually didn’t see your first few messages. Was relaxing drinking with some people he had met, the lady in question wanted to go to the beach and watch the sun set and your husband offered to go with her? Maybe he was actually acting with good intentions and being a gentleman, not wanting a slightly drunk women wondering off onto the beach in the middle of the night in a foreign country by herself? When he checked his phone and realised you called walked her back to the crowd and was on his way back to come and check on you.
That would mean he cared more for the wellbeing of a stranger than his own wife. How could hey justify letting your own wife walk around a foreign country while unwell yet chaperone another woman to be a "gentleman?
Why are women dogging women ??? She asked a very honest question and is being bullied for being jealous etc .. common ladies where is the support he fecked off with a nobody for a romantic sunset sorry no one does that married you for real .. keyboard warriors I wouldn't care I trust my man ??? If you do your fools who accepts their man going to the beach after dark with anyone penis or vagina your delusional she is being made feel she is at fault cop on and do not bother posting responses if it is nasty get a grip he is at fault regardless! You just do not do that if she is jealous or not unreal the hate here
Where do you get off telling other women off for being bullies when you , yourself just called them 'fool's for trusting their own husbands? You might not trust yours, but it doesn't mean others don't trust theirs . Look at you go judging women yourself. Grow up .
She asked if she was over reacting and lots of women said very possibly yes because the whole situation could be very innocent and they got attacked by the 'all men are bastards, divorce them parade'. We've answered what was asked. Yes, it's possible she was over reacting and yes, it sounds like she was a bit needy and controlling on that occasion. I might add, some days I'm more controlling/insecure than others too. It doesn't mean that sometimes my husband is trustworthy and sometimes he isn't. Honestly, if the point of the post was only to get a poor you, the question shouldn't have been asked. And the women suggesting that it could be innocent and not lynching a man they've never met are frankly the ones that are trying to value a marriage the poster describes as strong to a man that has apparently never given her a reason to mistrust him in the first place! Imagine finding out you ended your marriage because you had a moment of insecurity that got blown up in your mind because bitter women who don't know you or your husband convinced you that the marriage was a shame. It would be devastating!
IMO if he didnt cheat, he went down to the beach with the intention too.
I would be extremely suspicious if that were my husband. Choosing to watch a sunset with another woman instead of helping his sick wife, it’s just not right.
I don’t think it’s okay. I am the one who has had offers like this(even from a local celeb) BUT no way in hell would I ever leave my hubby to go chat with a random when he is calling. I did it when we first started dating and it was shit thing to do as I know I wouldn’t like it, we were together around one month. I wouldn’t do it after we were married/serious.