My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We have 3 beautiful children (very young in age) and we have had our fair share of ups and downs (like everybody).
Recently we went on a child free trip away. We had never had a honeymoon, so took this as our opportunity.
One of the nights we were by the pool, drinking cocktails. I felt a bit sick, so I went back to the room. I sent him (approx 5 messages) over the space of 30 minutes asking him to “please come and help me”. I never got a response.
I fell asleep.. and woke up 1.5hrs later. He still wasn’t here. I called him a few times, no answer. I went up to the pool, couldn’t find him. I kept calling him and walking around the resort (I went into panic mode).
About 20-30mins later, I see him walking towards our room. He said he had been down on the beach watching the sunset (with a lady - just them, who he had met at the pool). Said he had seen my message approx 30 mins after I sent them, but assumed I was asleep so decided to go with her to the beach..
I said what about the second times I tried calling. He said he sore his phone flashing on the table, “missed the call” (I called numerous times) and assumed I was awake so decided to come back. The beach is less than a 5 minute walk.
Thoughts? Why didn’t he come back when he read the messages? Why did he answer, or call me back and invite me to the beach?
Am I overreacting?
UPDATE
Maybe I am an overly jealous person? This is why I turned to this page, for guidance and advice. Because I felt I wasn’t seeing things clearly and I needed another perspective.
But to those who called me a “sook”, “whinging bitch”, “controlling” (the list goes on) - I may be all those things (in your eyes), but to me they seemed directed to hurt and upset me (maybe you’ll say I’m a sook for calling it out).
I was feeling a “bit sick”, which turned into me vomiting up blood (hence the messages to him). I was in a foreign country and just wanted his help (because I was freaking out). I ended up passing out.. then when I came too (in a haze) I panicked he wasn’t back (it was pitch black outside) and (yes I walked) I got up and looked for him..
80 Replies
Yeah nope.
Pages
I think the fact he didn’t return to the room with you speaks volumes.
This is what stood out to me the most. He has since said he genuinely thought I had fallen asleep (because the messages had stopped) and didn’t want to contact me back and wake me etc.. But why didn’t he come to the room and check? But then again he couldn’t get into the room without me getting up etc.
Def not overreacting. That is seriously strange 😐
Technically it’s not cheating (as long as nothing actually happened between them) BUT I would be furious!
Hmmm... I think it depends on how solid your relationship is. I know that my husband would never cheat on me and I would think it's perfectly acceptable for him to talk with someone else while enjoying the environment if I was unwell and he thought I was sleeping since he saw messages after they were sent etc. Frankly I'd do the same and I'd be seriously confused if my husband thought me sitting on the beach chatting to another male without him (when he'd chosen to leave to rest) was a betrayal of trust because he knows me, and knows our relationship is sacred to me. Sooooo... To me this is only a red flag if there are cracks to begin with.
Yes I agree, I was ok with them staying where they were. But the fact they got up and left there, to be alone.. as in they left the resort and walked to the beach.
But why wouldn't you? I've walked down to the beach with random people I've met camping when hubby's napping/doing something else more times than I can count really.
She was sick in the room and had texted 5 times to come and help and then called and he ignored the phone.
With circumstance you know if it's all fine or if he's acting like a sly dog when you're not around. when you figure that out, figuring out if 'did he actually cheat' doesn't even matter.
He also said he saw them after they stopped and figured she was asleep. I would do this myself
That’s what I mean, for some this is the norm and it’s not something I had been faced with before, hence why I was posting because I felt I was only see a jealous side of it.
i don’t see it as a big deal, are there already trust issues in your relationship?
No there isn’t, but I just didn’t know how to take what had happened (if that makes sense).
I'd have to be on deaths doorstep and need assistance getting to a hospital before I'd be sending out please help me texts, nor would I want my partner stuck in a room bored shitless with me because in all honesty - what could he have possibly done to help that you weren't capable of? If he went to lie down because he's feeling a little unwell you can bet I'm not going too, and texts to fuss over him wouldn't be ignored (the first time) but if it was pointless I would say so and it wouldn't be happening again. You need a dr or you don't. You'll likely find that the woman wanted to go to the beach and he simply went with as they were already chatting and he was staying away to let you sleep.
I was thinking the same. If you need to rest, rest. If you need his help, you wouldn't be well enough to get up and go looking for him.
I completely agree, I wouldn’t want him sitting in the room bored shitless either. It was only because I started vomiting blood I got scared and I wanted him beside me, to help me.
And yes, it was probably just as simple as he got out of the pool, saw my messages were half an hour old and assumed I was asleep. Wanted to keep drinking, so they carried on.
But then what got me was, why not a simple reply (when he actual read the messages) to say “are you ok?” And why the time after I woke and called him, he didn’t answer (which ok, he didn’t see it) but didn’t call me back? Decided to walk back to the room instead.. I suppose I am thinking, why not just call and check I’m ok? If i am, invite me down?.. which makes me think some part of him though “shit, maybe I shouldn’t be here?”
I dunno, I do trust him.. i am just hurt I felt I wasn’t a priority (but to him he says he was doing it to let me sleep).
3 sides to every story hey. I’m just trying to see it from the other two sides.
Are you serious? What, in a foreign country with your partner you'd have to be needing assistance to get to the hospital before messaging him because you had vomited up blood & passed out? Geez you need a medal hero! Good on ya woman 🤷♀️ why comment if your just going to be a complete bitch?
The above comment doesn't even make sense and I read it 3 times 🤷♀️
Can't see the post was edited? I based my understanding of the situation on information given. Drinking cocktails, felt unwell, went to lay down. Every part of that to me sounds like drank too much and needed to sleep it off. No mention of a foreign country, or vomiting blood. No need to be a FW just because you got more information...
The second he saw your messages he should have come and checked on you .... doesn’t matter if it was 5 min or 30 min later . He should have checked to make sure you were ok . If I were him I would have and I would have kept my phone close by just in case you messaged or called .... not cool at all .
This is exactly how I felt.. and why I was so upset..
I agree. My husband did this with me. I tried calling and texting(he didn’t hear it) as soon as he saw her called me. I was sick and he called back ASAP and he was having free time doing what ever it was. His first thoughts were if I was okay as I was sick and calling to say I am not feeling any better(worried I would pass out even to use loo) and he wanted to help even though he was enjoying himself!!
I wouldn’t say it’s cheating (unless he did something) but I don’t think it’s appropriate. If you were happy for him to stay behind while you went back to the room then that’s fine but when you are messaging him I would at least expect him to reply to your message. I would be very upset if my husband ignored my messages knowing that I had gone back to our room unwell.
This is how I felt. Fair enough stay where you are, but after you read my messages for help he decided to leave where he was...
Ahh this is wrong on so many levels what is he at going to the beach with a female he just met for that long he is a cheat ah I'd be booting him out this is only the beginning good luck mamma he is a rat you just do not do that as if you would if the tables were turned
That’s a really harsh judgement . You have a big opinion on him being a rat and a cheat , you don’t even know their relationship dynamics to give such a brutal response. How do you know it’s not her who’s the issue ? Maybe she’s a highly jealous woman and controls his whereabouts and who’s he with at all times no matter what they’re doing ? Maybe he’s sick of it ? Maybe it’s her ? For all anyone knows it was an innocent chat with another person at a resort while his missus was supposedly asleep and resting in her room . Would it have mattered if his new found friend had a penis ? Somehow , I think your opinion would have been different then .
Personally i think ths posters view is fair and I wouldnt hang around once ive seen he can act like a rat.
But even if you're right, they still need to split.
That comment was to somebody who called him a rat and a cheat and a few other things , but she since deleted it x
I find it hard to hear oh he would never cheat , they will and they can and some do some not all do not he fooled into thinking they never would I like some thought they same he did cheat horrifically again and again my lovely no way would he cheat on me husband did destroyed my kids happy family and mine and his own they can and do and looking at how their actions or cheating sets flags this is a flag , you do not go down the beach with a woman you just met if your wife is calling and sick sorry just no to the keyboard warriors who say their hubby is a non cheater and is fine with that is wrong , he is a selfish man no excuse ! Despicable behaviour on his behalf whether she is jealous or not is besides the point that is putting it on her like it is her fault and if she is jealous maybe she has issues for that him he sounds like a fool
Thank you.
This is what I mean. So much of me wants to believe nothing happened.. but I feel there was intention there..
Why not respond to my messages when you first read them? Why not come check on me? Why “assume” I’m asleep?
Why think it’s appropriate to go down alone, to the beach.. to watch the sunset (it was already dark FFS). Then why not answer when I called? Or if you missed it.. when you finally saw it - invite me down?
I don’t know. He has answered all these but I’m not satisfied with the answers..
I think you need to decide whether you trust him or not. If you think he's a good man, accept his answers and get on with your life. If you think he's untrustworthy, walk away. Honestly, unless you make a decision and accept it, this will ruin your relationship even if he's done nothing wrong.
Something feels off. If you felt like he was telling the truth you would let it rest. Don’t ignore your intuition. You may not get answers but pay attention.
Only you have the right to a reaction on this . If I were to tell you what I think , it wouldn’t count because if my husband did this , I would be OKay with it because I trust him . I know he’d never cheat on me . People are giving you their opinions in how they feel they would react it it were them . I don’t have a tendency to be suspicious or jealous so i wouldn’t see this as an issue if it were my partner just because the person he was hanging out with has a vagina and not a penis . But if you have every reason to be pissed off and sus , then that’s your right to feel that way , and based on that for your own personal circumstances , no you aren’t overreacting .
Thank you for having the time to read this and giving me and honest, no judgemental reply.
I personally don’t think the woman is the issue his sincere lack of care for his wife. On a one off weekend away is pretty scary!
And says more about their relationship than him spending time with a stranger on the beach.
Lol she was in bed !! So what should he do? Go to bed too just coz she was ? What a boring weekend away that would b . He made a friend . That's my opinion anyway. She has a right to worry if shes suspicious but i wouldnt be sus as my marriage is like a rock and I have no need . But everyone's life is different .
This is exactly my thoughts too. Maybe her marriage just isn't healthy enough. It makes me think she's insecure and controlling. I sent hubby away last weekend with a mate of his and a bunch of single women camping for 3 nights because the kids and I had the flu and were in bed with temps over 40 so we're too sick to go. I've never met the girls... But when hubby tells me about floating on my blow up island thing with them having a drink I didn't think anything other than I was glad he was able to have fun without me.
I SO agree with your comment ! Why is his missus so suspicious? Unless shes had a previous reason to believe hes a cheater , then theres no reason why she should be so controlling. Bombarding him with heaps of messages and calls screaming HEY IM INSCURE AND BECAUSE IM SICK AS WELL AS INSECURE YOU SHOULD BE HERE IN BED WITH ME . If anything , her post is more about her demands than the holiday. I actually feel sorry for her partner having to deal with such an insecure brat. Unless, of course , hes cheated b4, but if shes always trusted him , then him just hanging out with someone enjoying his holiday while shes laid up in bed sick, isn't a reason to be be overwhelmed with jealously . Why the fuck should he go to bed with her just bcoz shes sick ? She should have just rested as she wanted and not demanded he do the same . I see her as controlling as fuck .
“Controlling as fuck”. Thank you for your input.
You’re rude and you sound like a bogan. You don’t know this woman so you have no right to call her “controlling as fuck”.
Your the brat love but NO I won't STOP there your comment shows how bitchy you are too! You sound like a stuck up single woman who doesn't even know what a partner is!
To the bitch replying above. I truly hope you never get cheated on cos then you might have to shove your high ground up your arse! Pull your head in you rude cow!
If my partner sent me 5 messages in the space of 30 minutes pleading me to come help, there would wanna be something much more serious going on than just feeling sick, I'd probably have a literal heart attack and think the absolute worst if he sent me something like that too.
So the fact that he didnt race back in a panic suggests to me that he may be used to you being (for lack of a better term) over dramatic.
Honestly, I didn't see a single suspicious thing about your version of events. He didn't see your messages but decided to walk back when he realised he had a missed call from you.
To be blunt it just sounds like you're annoyed that he managed to salvage the evening rather than coming back to the room to babysit you like a child.
What kind of man would be so horrid and opportunistic as to cheat on his wife whilst holidaying with her, also knowing she's feeling unwell back in the hotel room. If you think that lowly of him and believe him to be actually capable of that, I'm sorry to say your relationship has some huge hurdles to overcome.
Another nasty one. Do you really need to attack the OP by gaslighting her into believing she must just be a dramatic, needy pos who doesn't deserve her husband? Either several narcissistic people here or just one. Get over yourself.
Exactly right! How dare these nasty bitches be so mean to such an innocent & called for post. I wouldn't want to be their partners thats for sure!
If you don't see anything suspicious in the post then you are pretty gullible and probably have been cheated on numerous times.
I am just calling it as i see it!
A little bit of personal accountability from OP wouldn't go astray here. She sent him a bunch of immature, attention seeking texts then wonders why he was in no rush to return to the room. Instead of thinking rationally about it she accuses/suspects him of cheating because he didnt immediately respond to her texts and had the gall to walk back after noticing missed calls. I'm sorry but i just feel like this has all been ridiculously blown out of proportion!
There's so many needy, irrational, insecure women commenting on this thread that someone can't post an opposing view without suddenly being a gaslighter (fyi - giving someone some hard truths isn't gaslighting).
Oh and I am far from gullible, I'm quite logical actually, I'm just not soo damaged by my own experiences that i think every man is a cheater because he had the audacity to strike up a friendship with a woman and not be at the immediate beck and call of his adult wife.
OP and her husband clealry have some issues in the relationship beyind this one instance, and i truly hope they can find a way to sort them out because this level of mistrust (whether its warranted or otherwise) would be driving them both insane!
I would be suspicious too if this happened to me, and I have no reason not to trust my husband and I am not controlling or needy. As it is, it doesn't look good.
Thank you for making me feel not so isolated in my thought process.
OP
Call me old fashioned but I don't think drunk married men should be skipping off to the beach to watch the sunset with some random woman they met at the pool. Would he do that with a guy he had met? Probably not. If I was sick on holidays my husband would be right next to me no matter how much I would tell him to get the fuck away from me.