I have recently repartnered. Everything has been great except that he arranged for poker nights at least 1/2 times a year, including top less dealer and waitress with ‘his mates’. He also has boys nights every couple of months which are BIG nights and may also include topless waitresses but not always. He doesn’t have kids, I do. Though he is adamant he is accepting of mine and wants our own child, I just feel like this behaviour tells me he isn’t ready to grown up and is still focused on being ‘one of the boys’ it really doesn’t sit right with me but am I just being sensitive having come from a horrible previous relationship?!
How would you feel?
Poker nights
Poker nights
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
55 Replies
Honestly that wouldn't bother me if it's only once or twice a year.
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If it really bothers you at this point I would probably cut my losses now and end it. You will only feel worse about it later and he will still be doing it when he has a kid of his own if he's still doing it now.
My husband still does these things. Every 3 or so months he’s out at the strippers with mates, going to nightclubs and having a big night on drugs etc.
It doesn’t mean he isn’t grown up or is just one of the boys, he just likes to party and sometimes not just be “a dad”.
I too go out partying regularly and do stupid things like I did in my teenage years. It keeps me sane :)
We are both wonderful committed partners and provide a lot to our family. Every other night we are fantastic parents, just we do let our hair down and do things that aren’t considered “usual” I guess :)
If he gets caught buying or taking drugs, that’s going to have an impact on your normal family life.
I have no problem with strippers or nightclubs etc but drugs is too far. I know two fathers who have died because of pills they were taking to have a fun night out, it's not worth it.
Why does letting his hair down need to involve women being degraded? How does that make hanging out with his mates more valuable? And when he gets drug tested and charged, loses his license and job or dies it won't seem so harmless.
Oh you must be so proud to have a hubby that does drugs and I love how you try to convince yourselves and us that you are wonderful people. Get over yourself you sound as stupid as he is dumb.
Fantastic parents 😂😂😂😂. Oh please. Your hubby does drugs and you are ok with it. Stop kidding yourselves.
Not ‘usual’ or ‘legal’.
I want to know the stupid stuff she does that she did as a teenager.
That would be interesting....😂😂😂
My husband and I go out regularly with friends. Love it. I go out regularly with my girlfriends. But!! Drugs?? No fucking way!!! What if I take something and it's shit. And I end up in a morgue or with brain damage. What if I get arrested and lose my licence?? My career would be over. Same for my husband. No drivers licence, no work. No work, no money, no paying mortgage etc. We now know so much about drugs etc it still astounds me someone would do it. Wouldn't even be able to have drug chat with kids, if parents do it themselves 😳
So he does something that goes against your morals ladies, so it means that we are bad parents or should be ashamed? Absolutely not.
As for job stability, that is not an issue and when he takes them, for the following 4-5 days I drive him everywhere. He doesn’t come home the night he does them and waits for the come down to return home and see the kids. If he were for some reason tested, he would not lose his job at all. He isn’t stupid enough to carry them on him when he goes out, there’s one person within their group that does that to save any parents getting caught.. it seems like a pretty decent system to me anyways!
Only his life is at risk by taking the drugs and we are well aware of that. He will do them whether I like it or not as it’s his personal choice and he’s open and honest enough to tell me he does them. And I am okay with it :)
It does NOT impact our ability to provide nor be parents.
As for someone who wishes to know what I do that I did as a teenager.. nothing special, just get so drunk I dance too much and vomit or end up crying. But it’s what I did as a teen and a lot of parents don’t go out anymore, I do :) I personally DO NOT touch drugs.
But it's not just his life at risk. If he dies or goes to jail is it only him that will suffer? If he does something reckless while high that hurts someone else or has consequences, is it just him that is affected? Sorry... but if parents are doing things that could result in children being taken off them, those behaviours aren't exactly great.
I guess a lot are assuming which drugs he is taking without me even providing that much info. A little bit of weed.. doubtful that he would be arrested and sent to jail for a small joint. Not that I take it myself however I also highly doubt marijuana would cause him to do anything super silly, it relaxes him from the times I have seen him on it.
It’s illegal - I’m sure why you’re being so blasé about it?
Because it just doesn’t go against my morals and I’m okay with it. It’s okay that not everyone is and you don’t have to agree with it, but I don’t think it warrants us being put down as parents or people because we deviate from the normal :)
It’s not weed, he has a come down and needs to be driven around for four days (which I don’t believe at all). He goes out, it’s party drugs. Nice try though.
And you, getting drunk and messy, I think you both have issues.
I feel sorry for your kids, we’re the ones who are supposed to teach them the right way whilst they’re the immature ones doing this shit.
Party drugs, strippers, druggie mates, doesn’t come home all night.....if you think he hasn’t cheated, you’re living in a dreamworld.
I’m not even going to bother to justify or defend it to anyone further - You don’t like it, that’s fine. Our lifestyle suits us and we have happy, healthy and thriving kids
So when your son is old enough to have a drug fuelled, strippers, all nighter with his dad and his mates, are you okay with him going? Since it’s so harmless.
Well, you’re being very as-sumptuous there with saying my son. If I did have a son though then I think it’d be a bit weird if he went out with his dad. My hubby certainly doesn’t go out with his dad. If my kids choose to go out and make choices that they think is right for them, then yeah I’m okay with that when they are of adult age and I’m no longer in control. You’re not going to sway my opinion, particularly with your higher than thou attitude. If you actually wanted a proper conversation where you aren’t condescending or provide education over judgement, then maybe I would take something with more than a grain of salt.
More proof you are both fuckwits.
Agreed.
Yes I said son as I assumed he wouldn’t be comfortable ogling strippers and god knows what with his daughter.
Another assumption, these are the types of guys that treat women one way and expect their daughters to be treated like princesses.
Ecstasy, ice, cocaine, they give the come down.
Maybe he smokes the weed to minimise it?
Good times.
I think maybe youre all being a bit too mean, but it is clear that the poster isnt as old or as ok as they think. Partying as a parent is fine, but once you grow up and get over the really wild days, partying as parents gets wild at about 4 glasses of wine. Topless waitresses are out of the question.
Oh hun, if he needs to be driven for 4-5 days post taking that shit, it's more than weed. But keep defending him 🤷♀️
Weed stays in the system longer than other drugs, I believe it's a few days after smoking and it will still show on a saliva test.
I haven't posted in this section but this is really intruiging to me.. its so confusing trying to follow this on anon but from what I've read, I'm really curious to know more about the original person and their views.
Do you have daughters? How old are you and hubby? Have you always been this way?
I’m absolutely not in denial or dysfunctional, I’m glad though that so many assumptions have been made based off of one comment I posted on here and then it spiralled to this.
I drove him for days afterwards because we are aware things can stay in the system and out of safety of other people on the roads, we do this.
Anyways, to the commenter who has found it intriguing - thanks for actually asking questions. Yes I do have daughters :) we are early thirties and we’ve been together 10 years. I’ve always had this view and been this way in past relationships, as has he. I’m happy to answer questions honestly!
I think this whole comment thread has gone beyond what it originally was though, it began as topless waitresses and I commented about drugs which in turn has become more about drugs than the original question and has then turned into more than it intended to be. I think the drugs and topless waitresses are two completely different scenarios however a lot of the responses have been labelling me due to me consenting to both.
Intruiged commenter -
How will you educate your girls on drugs? I've never touched them and neither has my partner, so we are on the absolute opposite end of the spectrum.
Have you always had this view because you've always dated men who dabble in drugs regularly? Do you think he would stay with you, if you did have a problem with him taking drugs?
Is it really inconvenient having to drive him around for a few days afterwards and having him stay away from home so often whole he comes down? I know I would find this really hard whole at home with the kids.
Admittedly I’ve never touched them myself either - so I guess I haven’t prepared myself for how I will educate them as of yet. I do have a close family member who has been a user and been through rehab multiple times and rejected help, so I guess that person could be an example of what not to become. I should say that if my husband were to ever become a regular user or addict then I would not tolerate that. Here and there on occasion is what I’m okay with.
I can say I am a product of monkey see/monkey do - I’ve grown up in a family where it isn’t really frowned upon to drink or dabble in some drugs. I’ve seen it be harmful but I have also seen it as a quick fun time thing to do.
I’ve been with both people who have and haven’t dabbled with drugs, both hard and a joint. My view definitely isn’t shaped by only being with people who have however I guess now I’ve grown up and we’ve grown as a couple, we can just be more open and honest about what he does on boys nights out. I didn’t know he did anything until probably 3 years into the relationship and it was him who came to tell me he had done something. I can say that to the best of my knowledge he wouldn’t leave me if I asked him to not do them. There have been occasions where I’ve said a flat out no and he’s been fine and just hasn’t gone out with that group of friends that weekend because he knew the temptation/pressure is there. I do think he would still do them behind my back though, I know a lot of his friends do them behind their wive’s backs and for that very reason I choose not to socialise with them all as I can’t be friendly to their face and know it’s happening behind their back.
It isn’t an inconvenience :) we work alongside one another so generally we share a lift anyways so it isn’t out of my way. It just means any other after work activities he misses out on. I actually quite enjoy the time he is away, I work 60+ hour weeks a lot of the time so I really enjoy the time he is away and find i enjoy the one on one time with the kids. It’s only 2 days on my own and we tend to just do an activity that weekend like the zoo or similar.
There’s been MULTIPLE times he’s gone out and decided he’s just not wanting to do it and came home much earlier than planned. So he doesn’t have to do it and can say no.
How are you going to teach your daughter's to find a man that respects them and their body if their dad frequently objectifies other women? That's what I don't understand and why I immediately felt the OP should either set boundaries or walk away.I would find it hard to teach respect for one's self and others if actions said otherwise. And I get that they're probably in the dark now... but that won't last forever....
I guess we all have different values and as we can see here, growing up in a family where drugs is acceptable, shapes your expectations of future partners. I guess it’s how the cycle continues, your kids will get older and think it’s okay too. And as you say, drugs are okay with you, so I guess everyone is different. Everyone lives different lives and raises their kids in different ways, this posts shows how different we all are.
You’re early 30s and been together ten years, so any previous relationships you are talking about were say 18 to 22? When you were very young, in the party stage of life?
What are the after work activities? Don’t you have to pick up your kids?
I don’t find it objectifying to go to the strippers, it’s a job like any other where the girls are willingly doing what they do. I mean, I’ve been to the male strippers myself on hens weekends but that doesn’t mean I objectify men. I think you be respectful to the girls/men or then you can also be the one who is an asshole to them and treats them as lesser because of their job.
I don’t have after work activities usually, however my husband does play sports on a professional level. We don’t have to pick up the kids, this is probably going to delve further into my “bad parenting” however we have a professional nanny minding the children so we aren’t on time restraints to get home. Sometimes with our work we are earlier or later, however we work hours that mean we are home by generally 3pm anyways (early start, early finish).
My party stage of life was more like 16-18 and I then settled myself down. I did have a moment in my life where I changed my perspective a lot.. I’m more than happy to discuss further however I don’t wish to reveal my identity via not using anonymous. If anyone wishes to show their’s I’m happy to track you down on FB and we can have a conversation :)
So as a professional athlete, doesn’t he get drug tested?
Is he a footballer and you’re a WAG?
I don't think what type of sport he plays or a label is of any importance or relevance to this conversation.
I’ve taken my comment down because I went on a rant about something that may not even be applicable to your situation.
I apologise for that, think I was being a bit of a karen lol.
Thanks for that - I understand what I’ve said here is controversial and I don’t expect many to accept or agree with it. I know it isn’t for everyone and many would say I’m stupid for being in a relationship like this. However, on the nights where things don’t occur, we have a really good life and for me that’s enough. I’m really happy in our life and our kids are happy. For now they’re in the dark and I hope that as they older, I can navigate a safe path for them however I am aware in order to do that, I need to lead by example. I’m unsure how I will achieve that yet, but I have many years to work on that and hopefully do the right thing by them to the best of my ability :)
Hard no from me. It's denigrating to women and I wouldn't want that influence around my kids.
It would bother me. Nope.
The topless dealers and strippers are a hard no from me.
It’s just so sleezy and unnecessary. Gross
I would not be okay with this!
I want one of the guys who HAS to go because it’s a good mates bucks night.
I don’t want the guy who voluntarily goes on the semi regular basis.
Poker with the boys - no worries.
Topless waiters - wtf?! Ah, no.
I don’t have an issue with boys nights in general, it just depends on how often it’s happening. The frequency with which your partner is having these nights wouldn’t be an issue for me. My issue would be that they feel the need to have topless waitresses and strippers every time. My ex had no issue with going out 5 or 6 nights a week, got annoyed with me on the rare occasions I said no he couldn’t go out with his brother and or mates, then refused to even try to comprehend why I was so annoyed with him for going out so often. As long as you are also getting regular nights out without your partner and kids, I think you are being a bit sensitive. You do need to talk to your partner if you are uncomfortable with the topless waitresses and strippers and come to a compromise. Otherwise, as long as you get timeout for you, there’s plenty of couple time, and plenty of family time, on the whole the situation isn’t one that should cause issues between you.
Original poster here.
I worded the post terribly, definitely only uncomfortable with the consistent strippers/ topless dealers etc. I don’t care about the boys nights and honestly wish I had girlfriends so I could do the same. The naked women just seen sleazy and over the top..
Rock up one night with your tits out.
Will he be ok with that?
Poker? I wouldn't have an issue with that alone, seems like a pretty cool hobby (so long as it was just a hobby and not crossing over into serious gambling territory).
Wild boys nights, that would kinda give me the shits too. Mostly because I have no patience for shitfaced grown men stumbling in the door at 2am, spending the next 2 days recovering and moping around the house like a bear with a sore head. I have kids and adult responsibilities so my tolerance to that bullshit is basically non existent.
The absolute deal breaker would be the inherent objectification of women. I'd feel like a huge hypocrite having a partner that indulges in this stuff whilst trying to teach my sons that women aren't just placed on earth for men's entertainment and sexual consumption.
Bucks night or really random night, yes completely okay.
Just organising this kind of night on a kinda regular basis, is not normal. And not something I would consider okay.
I would probably leave now before I got in too far.
Hahaha big deal 😂 Sounds like a lot of fun, actually.