My relationship with my mother has been on and off for a long time. It drastically improved after she divorced my step father who abused me for almost 10 years. The incident was never mentioned since and she acted like nothing happened. I could accept that as her coping mechanism, but i have always suffered.
After two years of divorce she told me one day her ex husband offered them to move in together again in exchange he would pay rent and all the bills. My mum has since taken up the offer and is moving an hour away in 2 weeks with him. She knows how i feel about her moving with him, but she made it clear she is in it for the money, she is sick of suffering on her income alone.
The thing is she still expects to have my children stay over on the weekends. Alone. In their own rooms in the same house as my childhood abuser.
I have made it clear I value my children more than money and this will NOT be happening and sadly overnight visits will need to stop. She tried to get to change my mind on the matter by saying it was not fair on the kids and she would miss them, also made a point to say she treats them very well and its not like she has ever mistreated my children.
she is due to move next month and my son has just told me that 'grandad' had been over when he stayed at my mums this weekend and they played together. She knows I do not want my child around this man and she is going behind my back and hiding it.
I am thinking to cut immediate contact. No visits or stays.ever!
My husband and I have wanted to move interstate for months now, and this has made us want to go even more as we cannot handle being around my family. He has lots of family interstate and it is a dream of ours to live near supportive, non abusive family.
My question is... given this information, what would YOU do in my situation???
13 Replies
My children would never step foot in that house again. Ever.
I don't see the need to cut ties with your mother if you have a fairly good relationship with her. She can still speak to the kids on the phone/Skype and come visit them on her own.
But if you've been wanting to move interstate, it works for your family, you can afford it etc, do it. I see absolutely no reason to stay purely for your mothers sake, particularly when she is going against your wishes with something so serious.
Good luck!
Thankyou, to clarify my relationship with my mother now is awful, i posted back sometime ago about how she was emotionally abusive and always talking down. This just tops it.
Never ever! She is so inappropriate, careless, and hurtful to put it to you and to go ahead and do it behind your back. She is obviously in no place to be a trusted carer and no they wouldn't be in his house or hers of she's allowing contact there. How absolutely disrespectful to you, I can't even imagine, I'd want to kill her!
You know she turns a blind eye to abuse and doesn't seem to make good decisions so you're not overreacting to cut all her unsupervised visits with them right now, you are doing your duty as a protective parent, you'd be endangering them if you didn't.
I would be cutting the sleep overs immediately. I would let your mother visit with ect but not with her ex. If your mum is moving and you want to move closer to hubby family perhaps it's the best opportunity to put some extra distance between your mums ex and your kids.
Sadly I think you need to cut ties with your mother. Your mother is sick and an enabler. Even if you cut off over night visits I wouldnt be surprised if she brings him along to other play dates when your not there. It's not worth it. What a psycho I'm sorry ): I wouldn't trust my kids around her either because she's clearly got her own issues if she doesn't see what's wrong with this situation
I would cut all contact at her house. If she wants to see your kids she should have to come to your place and she should never be allowed to have the kids on her own ever! That's if you want to have any contact with her.
However I wouldn't want to have contact with my mum if she went to live with my abuser for what ever stupid ready she gave!
PS if you want to move, I'd move!
You would like to move interstate to be closer to your husbands family? Start packing and go, that's what I would be doing if I was you.
I would cut all contact immediately. You are your kids mum and protector, you are doing the right thing xx
Cut all contact with both! I'm sorry but any so called mother that chooses to take up with the person that abused her child (there are NO valid reasons for doing this EVER!)....OMG I Can't comprehend that! I feel sick to my stomach for you. Run huni! Run fast and run far! This is NOT what a mother is suppose to do! This is not right! Move with hubby. Cut ties with the mother. She is toxic and she is also an abuser her self. Do not EVER let your kids near either of them. Good luck to you and your family and I wish you all the happiness in the world Xxx
I suspect you know the answer you'll get.
My partners father beat them as babies severely so much so that his siblings have ongoing mental disabilities. My daughter gets to spend a few hours each week fully supervised by her father with him.
This I thought was a fair compromise given his history and is the best he will ever get.
Go interstate. Your mum can visit - ALONE.
She has broken your trust massively. She ignored it happening to you & I don't see why she would react any differently with your children - regardless of how well she treats them......
RESPONSE FROM POSTER****
Thankyou for the responses, I can see this was posted on facebook but I wasn't able to read most of the responses as I think the post is removed. :(
I don't think I have even seen responses so supportive before. I really needed to see if there was something I had done wrong in this situation. I really want to move. but saving thousands of dollars to move in the next 6 months will the biggest challenge, sadly my mum wont see her error. she loves money. One IM got to me before stating ' she would rather be homeless than live with an abuser for money' this is something I value, it shocks me to the core knowing my own mother is this way... and society's shock reflects my own. If your family and complete strangers think this situation is WRONG, then why can see!?
My son has been mentioning his 'pa' all week and how he is going to stay at their new house once it is ready. Very hard knowing she had this conversation with a 4 year old when she knew he would not be staying overnight. I still have not confronted her about the fact that I know her ex was there on my sons last visit. I am waiting for her to come up with an excuse or lie.