Where does the line between helpful parenting advice and being a "sanctimommy" come in?
A friend of mine has a 2.5 yo who has recently discovered tantrums, especially in response to being told 'No' - and while I know this is a normal response (I've been through 3 toddlers myself), I feel that my beloved IM friend is making it harder on herself.
Whenever IM says no to her child, he immediately asks again, increasing to whining, yelling, and hitting or slapping to emphasise his point at which mum gives in and says yes. If his dad, (or me, as I frequently babysit the young lad) say no to a request, that's the end of it, or at most a second request which when told no again, is enough to drop the subject. However, with mum, no simply means ask more insistently until she gives in.
The same occurs around completing tasks (tidying up, getting shoes on etc) if he doesn't want to, he'll simply crack it and yell or hit until mum does it herself or takes him out without shoes. Again, as far as I've seen for dad and myself he's generally agreeable and easygoing. He just seems to know that mum can be pushed over and isn't afraid to make the most of it.
I don't want to interfere and make mum feel inadequate or useless, but I can see that she's worn down and frustrated by the behaviour and wondering if suggesting gently that she needs to remain firm in her initial response is a good idea? Whatever methods of discipline you use, I really think consistency is important to making it work, and right now mum's method is making it a struggle for them both.
So, do I say something, or would it just seem pushy and like I'm being a perfectionist and judging her? We share a very no shame friendship anyway, we admit our parenting faults regularly, answer the door to each other in our PJ's, and laugh if we have to wash mugs before we can have a cuppa, but I'm not sure if offering advice outright as something I've observed, and really feel she could use some guidance on, but unlike other parenting challenges haven't been asked about, would be too much? Or, do I stay quiet, as while frustrating for mum, it's not a safety concern?
3 Replies
Give her the dvd magic 1-2-3 it covers those issues quite well for $30 its a great birthday gift.
I personally wouldn't say anything unless asked. Each child is different and react differently to different discipline styles. As you probably know well kids also act differently to people who are not their parents.
Maybe you could ask her how she is and mention that you worry that she isn't getting enough relaxation. Offer to help her whatever way you can and if she asks than tell her what worked for you.
She's lucky to have a friend concerned about her! Xx
Say it from an "I know where you're coming from" perspective. Even if it's not true, say that one of yours was exactly the same, until you got a little 'tougher'. I have three also. My third has warn me down from the day I pushed him out. He would scream and scream as a baby, never slept (still doesn't the whole way three and he's 3 years old), he's stubborn, determined, throws tantrums. Nothing like my older two. So with him, I slipped. I knew I wasn't as tough on him as his sisters... but I literally had nothing left. I caved all the time. He was a monster and it really was because I wasn't tough enough, but if someone had said something to me about it, it would not have helped me. I would have felt judged. In the last couple of months, I've grown a pair, and put him back in his place. Become a 'tough mum' again. And he is behaving so much better. So yes, it probably is her lack of discipline and making her 'no's mean no'... But maybe she's exhausted? So lie. Say you your son/daughter was the same. And remind her of how much better he was when you put your foot down. But also say that it gets a whole lot worse before it gets better.