I'll try keep this short. Over the last 7 years my fiance and I have had an up and down relationship. We have two kids who we both love. Without going into detail we have had a dv relationship of emotional abuse. He has in the past put holes in the walls and got in my face but never hit me. 4 weeks ago we had a huge fight and he got in my face. Long story short I said I was done after that. He booked himself into counselling and has also seen a gp. I wanted him to stay at his parents and when I told him this he broke down. His psychologist and go have put him on anxiety tablets and basically said he has a mental illness. He is committed to be coming a better person and for 4 weeks he has been doing more around the house and helping with all the things I have asked him to do for years. I've tried to feel what I should feel for him but I can't get over the fight.. I have tried so so many times before to make this work. And now I have said I can't do it anymore. Its almost like I feel dead inside. But after everything he has done I'm now the bad person because I'm giving up on him when he has been diagnosed with a mental illness and breaking up our family. It breaks my heart. It sounds terrible but part of me doesn't believe the whole anxiety thing. I mean it could be a part but I think it is his personality. He can be very narcissistic. So good at manipulating things (he would never admit that) and he is using this whole mental illness to say that all those things he has done in the past were because he is sick and now he is working on getting better and being a better person. I don't know what to do. A huge part of me says to leave I've tried for 6 yrs.. How many more times do I do this. Another part thinks I should stay and support him. I know I love and care about him but I'm not in love with him. I feel so trapped! Any advice? Please be kind.
3 Replies
You need more information. Ask to go along to these appointments so his specialist can explain what is going on and book into relationships australia. Whether you stay or go you need this information and to work out how and when he will see the kids and basically you will need to map out plans for what to do when he isnt well whether separated or together.
I'd honestly leave. Mental illness isn't an excuse for loosing his temper and getting himself out of control. He may have a mental illness and anxiety but that does not make him be abusive.
Personally I'd leave, be his cheer squad from a distance. See if he follows through with his meds and treatment for the longterm. Because let's face it anyone can be in there best behaviour for 4 weeks. But that's the abuse cycle, best behaviour for a period of time and then it all goes to crap again. So I wouldn't stay, you aren't the bad guy. You need to protect yourself and the kids first.
In your last paragraph lies your answer. You love him but no longer in the way a woman should love her man.You seem to feel obligated to support him through this, but you are tired & I can't blame you! He has had years to seek help, he is probably only doing it now because he can see you're ready to walk. You can still be supportive of his efforts to become a better person & father without staying in the relationship. And if he's really committed maybe in time your heart will soften, you may remember the person you fell in love with & want to consider a reconciliation or maybe you won't.
It has taken many yrs of emotional abuse & neglect to run the relationship down, it doesn't get fixed overnight.
As for breaking up the family unit, isn't it better for your kids to come from a broken marriage/home than to continue to live in one?