I'm feeling like a very imperfect Mum at the moment, so please excuse the length & thank you to those who take the time to read. I'm 23, & a Mum of a 4 year old boy & my stepdaughter who I took on full time from day one. She is almost 3. I'm lacking self confidence. Today I tried on some lingerie to surprise my partner tonight, but I instantly took it off & decided against it. I feel like a fat lump even though I'm only a size 12-14. I just can't feel sexy, I have no confidence in myself. I think I'm ugly & wonder how my partner will find me sexy. I just feel like a try hard & feel embarrassed. This has stemmed from my teenage years, & the more years that have passed, the worse I have felt about myself.
This started when I was 15. I gave my virginity before I was ready because I thought he would leave if I didn't. When we split the next guy I was with told me 'I had to have sex with him because I had already done it before so I had no excuse not to do it with him'. From then until I was almost 17 I dated a guy older than me. I told him straight out I didn't want to have sex with him just because I wasn't a virgin. After three months he pushed me down on his bed & had his way with me, though I didn't try to stop him. Further down the relationship held me down by my hair & had sex with me. I asked him not to finish inside me without a condom because I didn't want to get pregnant but he betrayed my trust & did it anyway. He cheated on me & me being young & dumb, I stayed. He told me every detail of how 'she did it' & made me do the same, while he imagined her. Then one night he locked me in his bedroom, threatened to kill himself if I left him & forced himself on me twice. That ended in me walking to the police station in the middle of the night by myself. I almost collapsed in court when I faced him for an avo. Not even that stopped him harassing me. He harassed me for years but because I had no proof the police did nothing. When I was 18 I fell pregnant to my then partner. He left me when I was 8 weeks & was never there & still hasn't been to this day. My son is now 4 & I've raised him on my own. For that I am proud. During my pregnancy he threatened to take our baby when he was born & spat on my pregnant stomach. When my son was 1 I reconciled with someone I grew up with, my childhood sweetheart. That lasted two years, in which he did nothing but abuse me emotionally, physically & infront of my son. He locked me in the house, smashed several of my phones, left me alone in the street at night when we went clubbing, squished food all through my belingings, etc. Then left me to pick up the pieces when he found someone new. Now I am with a beautiful man. He never hurts me, makes love to me, & makes me laugh. We live together & are renovating our own home. We are SO happy. I'm so in love with him. He is my stepdaughters Dad. Her biological Mother only has her every second weekend & a few nights a week. I have her pretty much full time. At first it was great with my inlaws. They told me all the bad things my stepdaughters Mother did to my partner, & how she left him for someone else. They made out they didn't like her & got close to me. Then kicked me down for no reason whatsoever & turns out they're really close with stepdaughters bio Mother. I feel used. I feel unimportant. Nobody appreciates me for everything I do for my stepdaughter that her biological Mother should do, yet I've only ever loved my partner & his daughter with all my heart. After everything she did to my partner, they love her instead. I have tried to tell them how I feel but as long as they're happy, my feelings have never come into consideration. There's nothing left that I can do, so I simply have as little to do with them as possible. I don't stop my partner from seeing them & never would. I've done everything I believe is right but I'm still the bad guy. I'm just a woman with all my love to give. I've never hurt anyone, I wouldn't hurt a fly, but I don't understand why people don't like me. I know my kids love me but everything I had with my inlaws once was fake & they've shown me who they really are & that hurts. I've tried to see a counsellor over the years, & I'm on medication now. Nothing works. I just feel so guilty for nothing & down because when people who are meant to love you only ever hurt you, you start to believe horrible things about yourself :( is there anyone who relates?! Does it ever change? I've never been able to deal with my past or let go. My partner is supportive of me even though it's hard. I just feel like a burden with baggage. I would love to feel good about myself again. I would love for people to love me, but I am hurt beyond forgiveness. All I've ever been is lied to & betrayed, what else am I meant to expect of believe?!
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
7 Replies
Oh no wonder your feeling so bad about yourself. Yes it does change and it can change. It takes work and determination and the right support networks but it's worth it and you can get there. Firstly get yourself booked in for a long appointment with your GP. They will be able to refer you to appropriate mental health services. It may take time to find the right person as choice of professional can be very personal but when you find the right person you'll be amazed at how fast you start to feel better about yourself. They will also give you strategies to help you stand up to people and not be a target of abuse in your future. Hang in there
Woow youve had a rough ride. I do know how it feels to be betrayed and have your trust broken, you feel worthless, stupid, it crushes your esteem, pride, confidence. I know how you feel, you dont want to be a burden, you dont want to be the one to always have problems and negativity so you dont say anything and it carries on. BUT thats exactly what you need to do. Turn your attitude around, if someones upset you, you need to stand up for yourself and assert yourself proudly. Dont stand for being lied to, manipulated, ignored. Demand more for yourself & you will get it. There are nice people out there, dont settle for having aholes in your life, its really not worth it, they drag you down and really negatively affect you. Tell your partner you feel betrayed by your in-laws and you dont understand the turn in relationships between them and you and the ex. Demand basic, human respect for what you do and because you are his partner, otherwise put them on the outer & your husband can support you.
I think you should go back to counselling, you sound still very confused and like you have low selfesteem. With all youve been through its no wonder but keep working at it & youll get healthier as time goes on. Xx
Do you know nothing can change the past or get those years back but you are the one who can decide what your worth and what you want for your future holds. Find yourself and be strong and do what makes you happy in life. Take responsibily and stop letting others make you something you don't want to be.
I think you need to go back to your GP and request a mental health plan to see a qualified psychologist. Don't be afraid to try a few until you find one that makes you feel comfortable. You have been through a lot of traumatic experiences and you need to give yourself time to work through these before you tackle external relationships such as your inlaws. Build your own confidence and self worth and in time you will feel more in control of the relationships in your life. You can't control how other people feel but you can control how it makes you feel and you sound like you deserve to enjoy your little family without any residual feelings of pain and hurt. Good luck, you have made a step in the right direction by just facing your feelings and the past, you sound like a strong woman with every chance of a happy future.
I'm so happy to hear that you have found a man that treats you right, every woman deserves that.
With regards to wanting to feel sexy I have a few suggestions that have worked for me.
1. Start small - if you haven't been wearing lots of lingerie recently, just pick an item maybe a nicer bra or a lace bottom, something that makes you feel a little racier than before but without going over the top
2. Wear what you're comfortable in. You don't have to go to the great extreme of a lace G with garter belt and skimpy bra. If you feel like you want to wear a little more, you can still be sexy. There are lots of options out there with very sexy camis and sexy yet modest knickers and some great online shops you can browse without feeling embarrassed.
3. As a mum we often neglect ourselves, pop on some makeup, perfume and do you hair. Get some waxing done and pretty quickly you will start to feel better about yourself.
3. Gradually increase your 'risqué' levels as you get comfortable in your experimenting and this will come as you realise you partner doesn't think you look silly in fact I am sure he will find it very appealing indeed but make sure you're doing it for yourself more than you are for him. You have the right to feel sexy.
I hope that you can find your freedom and happiness at the end of this obviously traumatic ride. There is help available so please use what is provided for us to make sure that your mind is in check :) best of luck to you xx
I know what you mean about feeling self conscious about yourself. My husband loves me to put on sexy lingerie etc and I feel far and ugly. He doesn't see it though and once I get over it I feel sexy too. Give it a go - maybe let him know you feel a bit awkward but does he like it? Make a joke of it - he will appreciate the effort. I'm 40 and have 2 young kids and wish I could get over the fact I feel fat (I'm not) and not that sexy! Xoxo hugs to you IM xoxo you sound like a beautiful person
I'm a smaller size, with a much easier start in life than you, 33yrs, but still feel insecure (at times) about myself. My advice - ACT.
Picture how you want to be, the person you want to be, and when you're in a challenging place, try to act like that person (by drawing on all the qualities that you obviously have). So while you may always feel some insecurity, you're building a bank of experiences based on the actions of the woman you want to be. That's a pretty good way to start, make a small change everyday.
NEVER look for (aaugh, what's that word, afternoon mummy brain not working..) approval (phew, brain still works) from your in-laws. They are so invested in their son (it's only normal). Just be distanced and respectful. Speak up at times when you are being wronged, let your voice be heard even though it's shaking.