HELP... i need parenting advice on dealing with my son behavior. He has adhd and is medicated with 6 monthly peads appointments for follow up.
problem is when he is with us his behavior goes through the roof with over excitement showing off , not listening, has absolutly NO respect for others and things aswell as hitting my daughter the dog and bashing things out of just being silly. ..they are not anger meltdowns he just dosnt stop to think about what he's doing before he does it...which I know is the adhd. .. husband and I are if the belief that the adhd is a reason not an excuse for his behavior so he is dealt with in accordance to the severity of his miss behavior. ...BUT ...here is the biggest problem ...He is the un punishable child...oNo matter what you take off him...what time you send him to bed or how long he sits in time out he dosnt care! He will just say...that's ok I didn't like that toy anyway or cool I am tierd so I want to go to bed anyway or will play with a peice of dryer fluff in the laundry where time out is located...He just does his time happily and then promptly returns to being a douch! ...The medication is working because he's great at school and his mums house where it's just him and his mum and the DR just saw him the other week and his happy with all reports. The only place he has bad behavior is with us...we have him 6 nights each fortnight... we enroll him and take him to his extra caricular activities and ensure quality time is had as a family as well as one on one time with his dad. ....we have tried EVERYTHING and just can not get him to chill and behave. he flat out dosnt listen and the way I see it gets enjoyment out of hurting amd pestering his step sister and the dog....is it jealousy? Is it that he's just over excited to be here and have another child to play with that he dosnt know how to contain himself/interact with a girl? (As in not rough housing play like he would on the playground with his mates) I just don't know...but the hitting and striking out for no reason is really erking me...he's hurt my daughter and the dog on many occasions and can't be trusted in a room on his own.... any tips or advice please. Change in meds is not an option as mum/doc don't see it necessary as they believe the problem is us not him...? Is it because we spoil him too much? Various interstate trips an overseas holiday. Any sports he wants toys games movies you name it he has it. Does he have no remorse with things he does wrong because we are weak? Or is the lack of remorse apart of having adhd? This is the killer!!one day I would just love for him to say sorry and truly mean it and be remorseful for his actions. My husband and are at a loss and don't know what to try next. We love him (obviously) and are willing to do ANYTHING in his best interest. The shared care is split over the fortnight so not in blocks and essential not consistent however it is routine for him as it has been this way since my husband and his ex split yrs ago.
We have a loving home with routine and structure. Both kids are expected to pick up after them selves and at the very least be respectful of ours and their own belongings.
how do we teach him respect and remorse? Do people natural lack these emotions? Can they be taught? Are we fighting a losing battle? Please help?
5 Replies
I think the best solution is to go to a child psychologist. They will be able to tell you what the difference is. Get to the bottom of what is working in one environment but not the other.
One thing that I'm wondering is if he is overstimulated at your place? Some kids do better in a quieter environment. Less electronics (only used sparingly) with less toys. But a child psychologist will be your best bet. And yeah if he can do it in other environments it can happen at your place too.
Feels like you are writing about my son!! They are the same!!
Am piece of advice from my pead is : He has no self control, so I as his parent I am to be his self control! He has no impulse control, no little voice to stop him and say hey this could be a bad idea? Its there and then..
Can I leave him alone for 2 minutes with his siblings? No, he can be brutal with his brother so much it hurts my heart so much.. Can I leave him alone with the cats? No.. Does he have remorse when he breaks things or does something wrong? Rarely... He is who he is and while some days I absolutely struggle and he breaks me down into tears often, I still accept that this is him and he can honestly not control it..
As for punishment ughhh. I choose my battles.. If its small I will ignore and praise his siblings for not doing the behaviour he is doing.. If its something huge I also have to choose wisely with this decision.. Ipad is a big thing for my boy so he could loose it for a night.. Long term punishment can be a waste of time, but I have been know to fully empty his room out and have nothing but a bed, which didnt phase him so its still like that! His a destroyer so everything gets broken anyway.. My pead also said when it comes to punishment for something serious, adhd kids live in the right here, right now, so if i have to deal with something it has to be done straight away.. What make things a bit tougher for me is that with everyone else he is perfect! A angel.. Have been told that I am over-reacting about it all, but I explain it as, when his out and with other people he is holding it all in and the minute he gets home to his "safe zone" he just lets it all out!! And if his been holding it in he can be all over the place!
Also seeing a O.T could help as well..
If you want to chat feel free to msg me xx its not easy, its a hard road..
Thank you tania. ...I chuckled at the empty room thing.... we just did this a few weeks ago. ... and he didn't give a toss. All his stuff is still in the garage even though his punishment has been lifted....deal was he had to cart out ....and then cart it back in again ...clearly he couldn't be bothered. He spent his 2 weeks of only having color pencils and a football playing hide the instruction paper with his step sister.... my daughter gets praised when she deals with him well...it's just sad that she is really the one that suffers as a result as she has to be patient with him ...and that would be hard for any 6 yr old and she is his fave target. What are some tips you use with your other kids to cope...we try to let her retreat to her room for quiet tine but he finds it impossible to leave her alone and just keeps going in over and over. He just dosnt get it and I know it's the disconnect. .... guess we need better coping mechanisms
I would put a lock on her room so she can get away from him for a time if she needs to. Its not fair that she can't escape his behaviour.
It is so hard for siblings, specially his brother.. He doesn't overly annoy his sister, but his brother cops alot! I just have to constantly be there.. If I go out to hang washing or something I usually get one of them to come with me, they also share a room which is tough but I put one to sleep in my bed and one in bed in their room.. Honestly its draining being the inbetweener, but I have to do it.. And one day I know its terrible but his brother will crack and he will learn not to annoy him! And as they get older I know I will have to get a counsellor involved for his younger brother so he has someone to talk to about it all, in the mean time I support them all as much as possible :-)