Anonymous please
I need some support with a few issues I'm facing at the moment.
My partner and I have our 10mo bub in our bedroom while we're trying to clear our spare room of our own items. Unfortunately I have more stuff to sort through than my partner and he's giving me a hard time about the time it's taking.
There are genuine factors as to why it's taking so long (I've been unwell and the fatigue related to our little ones broken sleep has been having a greater effect on me than I expected).
We also have differing views on how to respond to the little one overnight.
He's more supportive of crying it out while I'm trying to respond where I feel bub needs my attention.
I don't jump to the calls but to help my partner with his sleep, after a little while of crying I'll scoop bub up to settle outside the bedroom. The most effective strategy is to bf.
There are mixed views on this but I'm trying to respond appropriately for the little one instead of how adults might view the calls, but acknowledge the teething issue and need for comfort (for whatever reason) isn't something to ignore. I'm questioning whether I've forgotten bubs different cries and making poor decisions as a result.
I receive no encouragement from my partner or his mother (my mother passed a few years ago) so I'm feeling a little fragile.
I'm expected to respond to the clearance of the spare room as he does, but I'm struggling with anxiety and the mix of emotions; fatigue; mixed management views of a crying baby and my partners ignorance to my struggle is hitting harder than I expected.
Financially we are very "tight" so speaking to a therapist isn't affordable (and my partner wouldn't anyway as this isn't how he manages his issues).
But I would like some recommendations on how to cope. Even if it's more self help.
I'd also love some positive feedback and constructive suggestions.
Our baby is thriving so I know I'm doing "something" right!
Thanks,
Another Imperfect Mum :/
10 Replies
I think we all feel like we are in a hole at times and don't know how to get out of it. I think the differences between parenting styles probably are not helping. It also sounds like you are responding to baby at night at the expense of yourself! There is a happy medium and perhaps you need to assess wether you are striking the correct balance for your entire family. Counselling doesn't have to cost. Go to your GP and discuss as there are some brilliant free services they can refer you to. Even if hubby won't go you can still benefit. As far as the spare room goes (I assume the idea is bubs moves into it) dedicate yourself to spending 10 minutes a day to going through your stuff. It is amazing how much you can get done in 10 mins and clearing a tiny space at a time makes things feel more manageable. Are you involved in any mothers groups?
Thank you for your response.
I was seeing a counsellor who knows my whole story but the costs are the problem. And partner has no interest in partaking.
Unfortunately going through the GP only provides 6 sessions and I will need more. Plus starting with someone new will make it harder as I will have to outline all that i already had with my previous counsellor. I probably should have explained this but had noticed the space my post was already taking up.
I'm not sure how to strike the correct balance with Bub overnight. And would need help with that.
Yes the spare room is for Bub.
And the 10 min suggestion is great. It's just "where to start!" But I have been working through it and asked for help with where to put it all. He expects me to throw everything like he does, but I had already thrown many items out but with two very different personalities, he expects me to deal with things the exact same way as him.
It's unkind and ignorant. And the insensitivities are slowing my ability to process what i'm doing where it all has snowballed and some days i only have enough to get through each day.
I need ideas on how to move through this on my own IMF with your 10min suggestion.
Thanks again.
Sorry if I'm getting too personal. Were you seeing a counsellor or a psychologist? Local churches run free services for counselling (they are not psychologists). You can see them as long as you like. I saw one for a few years and only stopped because I felt I didn't need it anymore. The counselling has no religious focus at all. Have you spoken to your local baby health nurse about the sleep? They can be a really valuable resource regarding settling and sleep. It's really hard to achieve anything when sleep deprived. Regarding where to start on the room I have a washing basket so I fill the washing basket up and then find homes for the items in the basket before moving on. It can be hard to decide what to keep and let go of at times. I could easily tip into hoarder territory so have questions I ask myself. 1. Have I used it in the last 12 months if not 2. Will I use it in the next 12 months 3. Does it have proper sentimental value 4. Do I have a place to put it? 5. Is this item stopping me moving ahead with my goal?
They are just my questions I have a friend who has a three month rule (harsh)
Im not the poster but I want to thank you for your information on the church counselling. In a hole myself at the moment and I think that might just help. Thank you so much!
Hope that helps you. Glad I posted my issue.
Thank you for your response.
I was seeing a counsellor who was actually based at a church and now works privately.
I would like to know more about churches who provide free counselling support.
I live in Melbourne on the South side but happy to travel where possible.
Can you suggest which churches provide the sessions you were talking about?
The sleep discussion I have had with my maternal health nurse which I found provided little help so I'm looking sleep schools to help.
Great idea about the sorting with a basket. I think the whole house needs a revamp and clearout!
And you're right about the 12 month rule. Thank you.
I found this one :)
http://www.salvationarmy.org.au/melbourne-counselling-service
I live in SA. If you ring them they might be able to suggest something closer to you.
Can you just clear enough space to maybe get bub out of your room then take your time with the rest of the sorting. I know i wake to every sound baby makes even if it's just a grumble then back to sleep so i found it helpful to not have him in the room with me anymore so i only woke when he was really up and needed something. A better nights sleep will help you out a lot best of luck
I really feel for you, as I also felt very criticised by my mother in law when I had my first baby. My Mum passed away when I was 18, so I found it so overwhelming becoming a Mum and feeling so criticised all the time. Even though my husband was helpful, I developed PND and quite severe. I am not saying that you have that, but it can be sucha difficult time when you have a baby and not to have the support of your own Mum makes that even harder. I accessed counselling through my GP, she gave me a referral for a Psychologist and i got 6 free sessions. This was fantastic and I also accessed a womans health services for counselling after this, which dealt with woman who had recently given birth. See if you can speak with your GP about getting you referred for the free sessions and at womens health services it is usually at a very reduced rate for the counselling. I think I was paying $20 for an hour counselling. Best thing ever, as you can get all your worries/concerns out. I also wanted to say that once your bubs starts sleeping more, a lot of your worries probably wont seem as bad and you will be able to think clearer. Its a tough time, but take time out for you when you can to regain your energy. Big hugs
I was in a similar situation. No support and husband clueless to my needs and thought because I was home I should just deal with it. I did use daycare 1 day a week when #2 came along. I look back and now realise it would have done everyone more good to have a rested mum and would have put my first in daycare for a well deserved break. Fine out what your childcare rebates are. It might only be a few dollars a week. As for cleaning up the room. It can be an emotional struggles for sure. I took photos of things I liked but didn't use instead of keeping them. I would ask myself "do I need it to make my life easier" If it was no, then it would make my life easier not to have it. Can you sell anything ? FB has loads of garage sale sites. When it came to my babies, I did what my gut instinct told me. I would get up with cries to comfort them. If your hubby doesn't like it, them move into the spare room with the baby. I had double beds for my kids so I could lay with them until they were asleep. See your GP for some anti anxiety advise. I use fish tabs and Blackmores Stress tabs.