Hi IMs,
I am feeling very frustrated with the stranger staying in my home at the behest of extended family.
A quick backgrounder: My 29 year old stepson has moved in with us from another country where English is not really spoken. He brought with him a girl who he says he is not in love with, and tells me he is not sleeping with her (this is questionable). Stepson speaks English really well, girl understands but refuses to try to speak because she is 'shy' and 'embarrassed' by her lack of English skills.
Anyway, they have lived with us for over 2 months now, and this girl has made no effort to speak with me or engage with me in any way. I should say I have a good relationship with stepson, and we have open communication. I have asked her repeatedly what she plans to do with her life, and I get the same answer every time: a shrug or I don't know.
They have been here for over two months now, and I am at the end of my tether with this girl. I no longer have any patience for her, and frankly, I don't want her mooching off us any longer as I feel she is really disrespectful and lazy.
We have paid over $7,000 for them both to attend English school plus other living expenses, and 12 weeks of school has just begun. This is part of the process to get them both residency to start over in Australia. We have been exceedingly generous to them both since their arrival, which I normally wouldn't mind, if I felt a little bit appreciated.
I would never begrudge spending money on my stepson, because he is family no matter what, but it really bothers me that we also have to support this girl who refuses to have anything to do with me while living in my home! She stonewalls me at every turn, and I am beyond frustrated. She won't come into the house (they are living in the bungalow in our backyard), when I cook dinner for them, she eats and runs, and they both drink so much that we can no longer keep a few beers in the fridge for a hot afternoon because they disappear. I have spoken to my husband - he thinks she is a nice girl because she speaks to him in their language - and he just wants to keep the peace. I do too, but I can't go on living like a stranger in my own home because this girl is intimidated or whatever. She is 23.
Help, IMs, I am very close to screaming at her to get on the next plane out of here! How can I better handle this situation?
Strange girl living in my home
Strange girl living in my home
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour, Kids
2 Replies
Honestly I'd be putting my foot down with everyone. Tell your hubby how you feel and tell him there needs to be some changes or at least an end date that you can both agree is appropriate. Also have a heart to heart with the stepson about how you feel. And that although hubby is scared to rock the boat you are coming to the end of your rope. Tell him what you would like to see happen as you have been extremely generous with this stranger. If the son doesn't make some changes then I'd be escalating and insisting there is an end date to the situation and I would not be paying her way!
Lol I wish you'd scream at her! This situation is strange. How did you get into a situation where you are spending thousands on a stranger? I commend your attitude and relationship with your stepson, but lines need to be (and should have been) drawn.
Let's be clear, she's 23 and free-loading, she has an inkling (in the least) that she should bee giving back. You should feel like screaming at her! Sit them down and tell them what you need.
(Just check her background for a BIG reason for this withdrawn behaviour before you start, in case it affects your approach).
Have this discussion in the company of your husband and stepson, for her comfort and for the benefit of translation.
Start with the niceties- you're welcome to stay here under these conditions. If these conditions aren't met, then you'll have to leave. If she leaves, She is still welcome to be part of your lives (how and where she goes is not your financial problem).
1. Split cooking and cleaning 50:50. Be clear on every job that needs to be done, and pull her up on anything that isn't done well. Sharing meals will help bridge the gap.
These expectations may make her feel uncomfortable, but at least your workload is halved which will make you feel better :)
2. Set an end-date / goal.
3. No alcohol unless they buy it themselves.
4. Be careful and smart. Keep your valuables always in a locked or hidden place. Put a lock on your door if needed. It's Human nature, at some point she will snoop.
5. Don't handout money.
6. Guests guidelines
Speak loud and clear. This is your house.