I'm almost 30, I'm a single mum to 3 kids (have been for 16 months) I've spent the last 9 months finding myself and figuring out who I am and where I want to be in the future.
I've met a great guy. But I'm worried that me being a single mum is going to be way too much for him.
I'm looking for success stories from women who were single mums who have found a great guys to settle down with after a terribly toxic relationship. Is it possible? How long were you seeing each other before you introduced your kids to your new partner and his family. What were your main issues ? I'm scared that the man who I am seeing again in a month (he's gone back to work) family isn't going to like me because I already have kids I'm not normally a pleaser but I didn't get on with my exes family and it always made things really hard. Also how long would you see someone before you told them you can't have more kids naturally and you would need to have IVF to be successful in making them a father? I'm so confused right now this doesn't even make sense to me.
7 Replies
Hugs to you mumma!
My mother was in a 28 year toxic DV relationship with my dad. She finally left last year and met someone a few weeks later. Mum has 5 kids ranging from 29 - 12 and she has 4 grandkids. Her new partner has 4 kids ranging from 21 - 9. He is such a wonderful step dad, partner, father. He worships the ground my mum walks on! Yes it is very possible to go from such a terrible relationship to a wonderful one. I wish you all the best xx Can't really give advice on anything else sorry.
I have the do you want more kids, I can't have kids convo quite early on (within weeks). I think it's smart to have those discussions early on before you get too attached. He may not even want kids of his own. If he has said he wants kids that's when I would have told him the ivf situation. Don't be frightened to tell the truth. If he can't cope with the truth he isn't the right guy.
I don't let anyone meet my kid until I've been dating at least a few months and then it's not in the sleepover capacity! They meet on neutral ground like an outing a BBQ something like that. Then building to coming for dinner, or hanging out at home for the day. Then to sleepovers once everyone is comfortable and I'm sure he is going to be around for the long term.
Not every relationship develops into a long term thing and that's ok. Sometimes after dating for a few months you realise the guy bores you to tears. If you have had them around the kids too soon it's harder to end things.
Personally I haven't moved on yet but that's because of my own issues not the mans issues with me. I have had a couple different guys willing to settle down with me even though I come with a lot of baggage. However I have quite a few friends who were single mums that have found men willing to settle down with them. It's very different in each case, some have the guys come over on the first date because they didn't want to waste time on a guy who their kids didn't like or they just couldn't get a sitter. Personally that's not okay in my books, I have a very close cousin who waited 6-7 months before introducing the guy which i think is mucch better. Your kids safety is top priority and also I think it's important you guys have a really strong solid bond before you get the kids involved, I would meet his family first before he meets your kids as you want to make sure you guys can have a real chance before the kids get attached then you break up. I would be very upfront about your issues with conceiving. Look there's a lot of cool dudes out there that are very supportive :P and you know what if they aren't then your better off been single then another dickhead lol
O.P here
Thanks ladies
I have a good support system from my family so having date nights when he is town is quite possible without involving my kids. I want to make sure he doesn't bore my socks off so to speak before I introduce him but so far so good. It's just I see so many women introducing their kids straight away and I am nervous letting anyone new into my kids lives. They see their dad on a regular basis (which means sleep overs can occur when they are with him) he's great with them just not with me.
We did broach the topic of kids briefly but not the did I want anymore or did he want any, just that I have some and he doesn't. I want him to get to know me before the topic comes up if that makes any sense. He seems to be such a gentleman (farm raised) which is what terrifies me I am not used to gentlemen or well raised men I've never actually been treated right by a partner. The part where he is 6.5 years older doesn't phase me in the least. I wouldn't consider having another baby for at least 2 years anyway which gives us plenty of time to get to know each other. A friend asked if I was only interested in him because he's from a well off farm but that's not it at all and I was quite offended by her question. Which also makes me think that if a friend could think of me like that is it possible his family would too? I hope not I am quite self sufficient and very independent and I would never be with someone for their money weather they have it or not. We've had a little bit of time together so far. But it's seeding time now in the rural area where I am from and I already miss sitting in front of the fire and chatting about little things or watching a movie in front of the telly and just holding hands. Did you know that it's possible to just hold hands with someone while talking to them? Because that feeling is quite foreign to me. And having someone listen to me. I don't think that's ever happened in my relationships ever. I'm not sure if I have realised my worth and know I deserve better than I've had or if it really is that I've met someone I click with a whole lot more. Only time will tell thanks for your support!! And thanks for listening :)
6 years ago I was in the same position, single mum 3 kids, toxic ex. And am now happily married to an amazing man who loves my kids like his own and we are having his 1st baby.
I was in an abusive relationship left and was a single mum. I then met up with someone from my past who told me doesn't like kids. We hung out for a few months. I started bringing my daughter around in group situations bbqs etc. Then after 6 / 7 months we started doing things all together shortly after he started saying he'd like hos own child one day. We now have our daughter together and get married in just over a month. Take it slow dont jump straight in to it thede things take time
I met my husband some time after ending a toxic relationship with my sons biological father. I had many of the same doubts in my mind but gradually came to ease with those as my relationship progressed with my husband (who I was dating at the time). I felt nervous about judgment from my husbands family in regards to being a single mother and my son being only 1 and a half years old. A lot of the insecurities were in my own thoughts, my husbands family were nothing but accepting and treat my son as if he is biologically their own.
My husband has taken on a role of step father and is absolutely amazing at it. My son now has two dads and to me, my husband although not biological to my son, is as much as father to my son as any parent could be.
Move at your own pace and follow your heart. coming from a toxic relationship I'm sure you will feel when everything is right for you and your kids in time.