I am so afraid that I'm stalling making a decison to leave my husband of 9 years because I will not know how to cope being a single mum with 3 kids.
The youngest is 12 months the eldest is 8 years. I do not have a good relationship with my parents who tend to want to take over.
If I leave I want to be able to be strong enough to do most things on my own whilst recognising the times when I might need extra help and be able to ask for it without feeling like I'm giving over the power of my life to my parents.
How do you do it? Who helps you when you need help with handy stuff like changing a tire or changing a lightbulb? Who do you ask for help? I don't want to always rely on my husband if we are seperated, or my father. Do you ask neighbours? A Friend's husband? Who? Can I do them myself?
There's so much uncertainty going from a comfortable lifestyle albeit very unhappy and toxic relationship, to a life alone with 3 children to care for.
I don't have a job, I don't know what to expect financially. Will I be struggling to make ends meet? Will I need to return to work and put my youngest into childcare to afford to live?
Will I rent or be able to buy a house in the same area after we sell the current one? Will the kids be able to go to the same school?
What happens if I get sick?
How do you get over the fear of the unknown to find a place where you can begin to be happy and live independently and not have to rely on others too much?
4 Replies
I can't really help with the how to care for the kids part, but the practical day-to-day stuff you can learn to do yourself. No woman should have to rely on a man to change a tyre or a light bulb - these are easy enough to learn (get the husband of a friend to teach you if you need to) and the sense of accomplishment is pretty satisfying.
Money-wise, it's going to depend on what you're entitled to from Centrelink and what you get from settlement once the divorce is finalised. Most single mums do struggle a bit financially but it's going to depend on lots of things.
Have a think about who you will call on depending on what you need: set some boundaries with your parents etc so that you can rely on them without feeling like you're being overrun.
Start making some plans, asking questions of Centrelink, find a family lawyer and make a list of friends and family you know you can rely on if you need them.
I change my own tyres, light bulbs etc. I mow my own lawn, do my own gardening. If you are worried about the tyre change you can just join your car association (RAA, NRMA etc) but there is usually a 20 minute wait for them to arrive and I can change a tyre in 12 minutes! There is absolutely nothing I can't do myself if I really want to do it. When I needed a new toilet seat, i did it myself. Start taking over those jobs now. Ask hubby to show you how to change a tyre because wether you are married or not, they are great skills to have. What if you got a flat and hubby couldn't come save you?
Wether you manage financially depends on your expectations and where you want to live.
If I'm sick I just get through it. If you had to go to hospital and they're hubbies kids, he should take the kids for you, they are his kids too.
Start educating yourself. Work out what you would get from centrelink (there is an online calculator). Have a look at what rentals are available in your area, and do a budget based on that information.
You will have to return to work at some point as once your youngest reaches school age you will have to return to work or study so have a think about what you would like to do.
Knowledge is power.
I am a single mum to 3 kids, youngest is 18 months, eldest is 9. I rent my own place, amd not currently working because I had already commited to study before we separated, however with good budgeting we don't go without and I even have money saved for holidays. it sounds like if you own a house and will sell it you may have a buffer of money there to help when things get tight.
as for changing lightbulbs and tyres etc, you absolutely can do all that yourself. get roadside assist for you car if you don't want to learn how to do your tyres though.
as for living in the same area I guess that depends if you can afford to rent/buy there. though without an income (apart from benefits child support etc) renting may be your only option. you should be eligible for NRAS housing which is cheaper and are always nice places.
the school wont make your kids leave if you move out of the catchment as they are already enrolled.
and getting over the fear of the unknown etc? you just will, it will be hard, at times you will feel like its too hard, but mums just find it from somewhere and get on with it for your kids. you will look back in afew years and realise you were so much stronger than you thought and wont be able to imagine life any different.
good luck
I must say having done this for the third time, I don't advise it unless things are horrendous and not at all salvageable. I used to be strong and brave and super independent, and I always walked away with nothing. It's not a laughing matter and it's really tough and at times very depressing. In societal terms people will view you differently. People might pity you or be somewhat condescending but in subtle ways I have found my single mum status wearing. I am educated and on a half decent income... still I would much rather be in a relationship, even if it's just a sharing expenses friendship than being on my own struggling to pay bills with very little time to do anything or have me-time as there is no support with my children. I can understand why you are hesitating. I am not going to say it's a walk in the park.