Trigger warning: sex abuse
This has been eating at me every day since I became a parent, I guess having my own children has brought up a lot of feelings.
When I was 12 I was in a relationship with an 18 year old, and when I was 13 and he was 19, we started a sexual relationship. He would invite me to come over and I would sneak out and go to his house where he would give me alcohol - I didn't think I was drinking much but he gave me enough to get blind drunk off of a few glasses of soft drink and whatever he mixed it with. I don't really remember the sex but I don't remember consenting either, sometimes I would even "wake up" and realise he was on top of me. He gave me gifts and the one that stands out most is a teddy bear that he gave me for my 13th birthday. I look back now and am so angry that his sister and mum didn't do anything to protect me, I wish they had. I feel like it's my own fault for going there and doing it but I was only a child and didn't know what love was, I thought I was just being loved but really" I wasn't. I wish I'd told the police years ago, but I'm on the other side of the country now and wouldn't know where to begin, and I don't think I could go through it anyway. I feel like if it were my daughter I would want to hurt the man that hurt her. I don't really know what my question is, I just know this community is full of wonderful women and someone out there might understand me.
3 Replies
That was definitely statutory rape. You cannot consent to sex at that age especially with someone over the age of 19. Yeah his family should have stopped it, told your parents or done what ever they could to stop it. I assume your parents had no idea what was going on.
My advice please go to counseling at the very least. You need to work through these feelings in a safe place with someone who knows what they are doing. Abuse has an awful way of effecting you in awful ways at what may seem like random times if its not handled appropriately.
Yes definitely wrong!
A girl of 13 can't consent legally to sex with anyone. 16 is Australia's (I think SA is 17) age of consent. Not to mention this man got you drunk and took advantage of you so I would go as far as to call this rape!
I was in a relationship with a man who was 14 yrs my senior when I was 14 we started a sexual relationship, I would never class our relationship as rape. It was wrong yes because it could have landed him a lot of trouble but never did he get me drunk (did that all by myself) never did he take advantage of me if I was drunk and NEVER would he have been on top of me when I woke up. We went on to have 2 boys when I was 17 & 19 and split soon after I got pregnant. Most people view our relationship as disgusting and horrible. But truth is I don't regret it we share 2 amazing children that I am thankful for! I am telling you this so you can see the difference between your experience (raped by a boyfriend called date rape) and mine (loving relationship at the wrong time)
I hope you can see a counselor and move on from this. For the record if my daughter was having a relationship with someone 10 or 15 years her senior I would lock her in her room til she was 20 lol.
I definitely look back on things that I did as a teenager and hope that my daughter doesn't do the same. I was in a similar relationship to you when I was 14 years old (he was 21). My Mum did her best to stop me seeing him and now I definitely look back and wonder what on earth he saw in a 14 year old. Having said that I am inclined to take some responsibly for my part in initiating and engaging in a sexual relationship with this man. That is not me excusing his behaviour, if some 21 year old was sniffing around my daughter I would be savage however I did flirt with him, talk about sex with him and generally try to act a lot older than what I was. I was the one sneaking out to see him and I was the one that was making the choice to drink alcohol and the choice to have sex. I did not have a good relationship with my mother as a teenager and kind of rebelled against her being a strict parent. I guess I feel like the experience has taught me more about being a parent than anything else. I know the importance of talking to my kids about healthy relationships and sex and respecting their bodies and to my son about respecting females in general. For me I don't believe that pursuing anything in relation to statutory rape would be beneficial in any respect. I know that this man is now married with young children and I truly feel that he is probably pretty appalled by the choices that he made during that time as well. For me personally I have a couple of friends who have been sexually assaulted as children/raped as adults and I don't compare my experience to theirs in any way as although what happened was wrong I definitely contributed to the situation. I would suggest talking to a counselor about it and determining your next step in consultation with them. Good luck.