Reliving Sexual Assault and 14 years fall out... Please be my support...

Firstly I love the Imperfect Mum and feel safe here. What I have to say is long winded but I need to get it out there....

I don't know where to start.

When I was 18; my parents decided to move back to Australia. I didn't know anyone in terms of friends and found it difficult to make friends anyway. The friends I do have, I've known for years.

So like most teens in 1998/1999 I went online. I was on AOL (America Online) and I put out the good old 18/F/location and looking for friends because I was moving to Australia. I had a message response quickly from a guy who said he was 21, at uni and would be happy to chat.

In hindsight I was more than a little trusting and gave all this information up with him saying things like "...oh yeah?? I like that too!" I never saw the red flags of he might be just saying that to make it feel like you have a lot in common. And really although it seemed like I "knew" alot about "my friend, " I really didn't.

He asked me little things that if for the first conversation I would have said "go away." But he would say "have you ever had a boyfriend? " or after seeing photos of me, "you're beautiful, I can't see why you don't have a boyfriend. I would be happy to be yours!" Testing the waters, seeing what was ok or not. Asking what clothes I wear, if I've ever worn this or tried that. Asking how I felt about my recent ex boyfriend, if he was my first... I only had sex 3 times and with a guy MY AGE and on my own level of "I don't know what we are doing so we'll wing it..." He laughed and joked saying he heard it takes practice and getting use to it.

I felt secure, wanted, excited to have someone who was a friend in Australia rather than not. I trusted him. I had no reason why I shouldn't. He only lied about his age saying he felt really bad and that nothing else was a lie. So I gave him a chance.

So I got to Australia and met him. He ID me because my bag had the American army insigna on it. I looked "different" to the Australians, young girl obviously but I stood out. He told me online he was blonde, blue eyes and wore glasses. Turned out
he was blonde, but it was a fadded blonde with grey. He had blue eyes and glasses. He was much older too. Late 40' maybe 50's.

I was shocked and surprised. He said he felt bad but felt we made a connection and we were just friends. He said he loved me like we were friends and still wanted to show me Melbourne and Monash University, which he was a student.

The lies and truths were mixed up and I felt guilty he had driven all this way. He apologised for being late... I suspect he was there the whole time but making sure I was on my own. So I made tge mistake of getting into his car...

... He did spend the day with me. At first nothing happened. He took me to Monash University where conveniently the medieval society was "jousting" for the day. We could of been just a father and a daughter looking at universities. Nobody asked, I was comfortable, relaxed and interacting ok with him. Why would anyone question a father taking his daughter around?

He took me to the beach and showed me Luna Park but it was closed for renovations or maintenance. He told me the water in Port Phillip was flat but there are sharkes so you shouldn't swim too far out knowing I was terrified of them but loved swimming.

Then he took me to a historic gun show. I felt uncomfortable for the first time there. He said something strange in the care, that I was so pretty and he wanted to kiss me because he was so happy and was having a great day. The gun show made me feel weird. I still felt that I needed to be polite but had no idea where I was or how to get home. The roads were confusing and it was semi industrial. In the warehouse I moved away from him and mingled more in the crowd. He began to behave strangely. I was looking at something and he grabbed me around the waste and led me away. Maybe the lady who I was talking to was a little worried about tge dynamic of "... he's not my dad, he's my friend" and thought it was sus. We didn't stay long.

He took me back to where I was staying but said he would drop me off at the corner because he found the back streets of South Yarra confusing so he should stay on the main road. I believe he did that because he didn't want my mother to see me with him. I just accepted it because the roads were confusing. He asked if I would like to see a movie the next few days and I said ok. So he said I should get a mobile phone do he could call me and said he would meet me were we met before and see a movie.

I had a good day and told my mom how Owen showed me this and how fun it was to see everything. But I didnt say his age. Mom said he sounds like a nice guy etc. I said I was going to a movie in a few days and she said ok.

I bought a pre paid phone and texted his number. He said we'd see whatever I'd like and he'll have me home at 10 pm because he had to work and study. I thought that seemed normal. So we got to the movies and he said that we were late and missed it. So he would tale me to see the lights of the city on Yarra Blvd. Again I had no idea what all these places were. So he took me there and did things to me, reminded me that it was ok to learn and this was normal. Said that after all the places he took me too, this is also nice too. I didn't want to and didn't know where I was.

Then he took me to a hotel and did more things to me I didn't even know about. He made it sound like I owed me and if I wanted to be grateful and nice to him, I had to let him. He didn't care about me, he didn't know that I wasn't "there," didn't care that I was looking away, shutting my eyes or not making a sound. I just wanted it to be over and go home. He put his .... in my mouth, held my head in place and made me choke on his semen. He didn't care. After he was done he got dressed and I was told to have a shower so my mom wouldn't find out. He said that I had a beautiful body, that "I knew somethings but not all." That if I wanted to, he'd teach me. I wanted to go home. I said nothing in the car. I was dropped at the corner and walked home. I didn't know what to think.

I stripped off immediately and saw my undies had all the gunk on them. I scrubbed them under the tap and my jeans too. I put them in the hamper. My mom would ask me the next day about it, if I had sex with him. I lied. I didn't want anyone to get inti trouble.

Weeks passed and we moved into a house. I was on the internet and this lady IMd me. She told me she was Owens fiancee. Wanted to know who I was and if it was true that I was having an affair with me.

So now I waz a whore. She didn't blame me. She said she had a daughter my age and I didn't know. That I was experimenting. I could pass as her own daughter. I was disgusted, hurt and ashamed. I chatted with her for weeks because I felt I owed her an explanation. I felt worse. Guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, dirty... Angry. I blamed myself. He lied to her saying that I waa making it all up. His friend backed him up saying it was plantonic. When she described somethings that I couldn't know, she confronted him again and he admitted it. She sent me all the back and forth. Then his friend contacted me telling me not to worry about their relationship, she'll get over it and if I felt it was true love to "go for it."

I wanted nothing to do with him. My mom then found the print outs and said I was a slut, I wrecked their relationship, it was all my fault. I was ultimately kicked out of home because I became extremely moody and difficult. Owen contacted me and I told him it was all his fault. I hated him. He made me a whore. He told me the going rate in St Kilda was $50 per session and he would let me "house sit" for a friend.

Because of my "behavior," I had no place to really go. I luckily found a youth refuge and lived there plus transitional housing. Meanwhile my mother told one of my sisters I blamed her and said she was the favorite amongst other things including "the affair."

I refused to speak to my family. It was all one sided and I didn't want to deal with it. I was punched in the head and sent to hospital. The police called my family but I refused to have them come to the hospital and the police took me back to the housing unit. My mother wrote me a letter saying that she had done s lot of soul searching and decided she wanted to give me a chance. I just became angrier and more depressed.

During my time in youth housing; I was exposed to drug addicts (I didn't do them) sexual violence (a girl was allegedly sexually assaulted in the next room) teenage promiscuity (my roommates were having parties and inviting random people over) gang violence and bugarly. At that stage I had been seeing a guy for a few months who seemed normal and I never told him about Owen. He just thought I had issues at home. He knew that my circumstances were unsafe and because we weren't married, the ADF couldn't help me find secure housing unless he was full time. When he wasn't there, things were bad.

I stood up to the gangs and during one incident I found a guy going through my stuff and I screamed at him. He threatened me and I went ballistic. His mates intervened and he threatened to punch me because how dare a "girl" make a fool of him in from of his boys. When he raised his hand to set me straight I laughed at him telling him to do it because if he thinks that will come close to making him a man, I'd throw him down the stairs. His "boys" took him away and then one stayed with me to calm me down. Then he was sent up to apologise. That was the guy I later found out sexually assaulted the girl. I took her to the police and because I passed a camera around trying to record on the faces just in case I needed the police ever, I could ID him.

Because I stuck up for myself and challenged a little ...., I was targeted. I needed to be taughted. Christmas eve I locked my bedroom door which has a dead bolt. All youth housing units have dead bolts on occupants bedrooms. I was lucky to have locked it. I was home alone, my roommates had conveniently left. I woke up to hearing someone opening the kitchen windows downstairs. Then I heard other voices. All male. I knew this was bad and got under the bed with my mobile phone. Rather than calling 000, I called the local police station to speak to the SGT looking after the case. I told him they were back and broken into the house. They were trying to get me to unbolt the dead lock. I said I wasn't responding and pretending to not be there. This SGT sent 3 units because the number of suspects.

By the time the police came, the "boys" left to watch the house. Now they knew I was home. The bugarly. At that stage I had been seeing a guy for a few months who seemed normal and I never told him about Owen. He just thought I had issues at home. He knew that my circumstances were unsafe and because we weren't married, the ADF couldn't help me find secure housing unless he was full time. When he wasn't there, things were bad.

I stood up to the gangs and during one incident I found a guy going through my stuff and I screamed at him. He threatened me and I went ballistic. His mates intervened and he threatened to punch me because how dare a "girl" make a fool of him in from of his boys. When he raised his hand to set me straight I laughed at him telling him to do it because if he thinks that will come close to making him a man, I'd throw him down the stairs. His "boys" took him away and then one stayed with me to calm me down. Then he was sent up to apologise. That was the guy I later found out sexually assaulted the girl. I took her to the police and because I passed a camera around trying to record on the faces just in case I needed the police ever, I could ID him.

Because I stuck up for myself and challenged a little ...., I was targeted. I needed to be taughted. Christmas eve I locked my bedroom door which has a dead bolt. All youth housing units have dead bolts on occupants bedrooms. I was lucky to have locked it. I was home alone, my roommates had conveniently left. I woke up to hearing someone opening the kitchen windows downstairs. Then I heard other voices. All male. I knew this was bad and got under the bed with my mobile phone. Rather than calling 000, I called the local police station to speak to the SGT looking after the case. I told him they were back and broken into the house. They were trying to get me to unbolt the dead lock. I said I wasn't responding and pretending to not be there. This SGT sent 3 units because the number of suspects.

By the time the police came, the "boys" left to watch the house. Now they knew I was home. The police said theyd go patrol and come back. A short time after leaving, the "boys" came back and I was back locked in my room. I called 000 and said they were back, described the cars and gave as much info I could. The police came back but they had scattered. Two walked by watching and I said they were involved. Then when I IDd them, I knew it was over.

The police told me I'd need to leave. So they called my parents. They came and got me. I complained to youth housing.

I just tried to put everything past me. But every once and awhile "the incident" was bought up. One sister said that I should be paid to have sex. The other thought I was dirty, ugly and a whore. I felt so closed off and became more secretive. I didn't trust anyone.

I couldn't concerntrate on uni, I didn't have friends who understood. My boyfriend was supportive but I stsrted I to really shut him out too.

By the time I was 23, I managed to bury Owen but he always hung around and felt my motger couldn't look at me without thinking the worst of me. I broke up with the boyfriend and met someone else. I moved in with him 3 months later. I was happier. He knew nothing about everything and it was a new start. I was working, I had my life again, I felt good. My father remarked to my sister that it was great to see me smile so much because I hadn't been seen to smile much at all. In fact my district manager commented to my store manager about it and how noticeable it is when I do smile.

I became pregnant to my partner and we bought a house. We were becoming a family and we were so amazingly happy. I stopped having that dirty feeling. My partner didnt make me do things that I didn't want to do and said I could be the one who leads the way. We had our son and we blossomed. But I developed severe PND.

Our relationship suffered. My mother decided to step in. Things got worse. She started saying things like I could bever do anything right, that I'm not a good mother, saying things about never being able to look after myself. She reminded me about the affair. The depression got worse and cost my relationship. My mother didn't think I had the right to be independently happy because of what I had done.

I wasn't married to my sons father. I over heard her say to my father she's a slut and that baby is a bastard. I'll make sure she never has another one. I was obviously meant to pay for my sins for the rest of my life.

Fast forward 8 years, I am now 34. My son is 9. Mom made sure that hrr interference in my relationship with irreversible in damage. My ex and I hate each other. He hates my mom and sister especially. I have been predominantly single the whole time. I am incredibly submissive, quiet, shy and awkward. I don't talk about things for fear any type of happiness will be flattened by my mothers hatred.

I am just about to finish an EN course. I am proud to say that I have earnt the HDs and Ds on my own accord. I would study away from the house because I decided I couldn't concerntrate with the negativity, the criticism, and bullying. She would accuse me of "seeing people." Admiitedly I had said that I would prefer to be anywhere but "home, " because I was told I was a "guest." When it suited her, she would say that it was home. When I thrust my calculations, anatomy/physiology books at her and said "here, this is why I go to school to study" without looking said it was easy. When I told her to really look, she never asked again but the comments were "you never finish what you start" and "you dont have the aptitude. .."

I've just learnt not to listen to her, not feel anything and while I wouldn't stop a relationship between my son and grandparents, I wouldn't shed a tear not seeing her again.

Last night a movie called "Trust" was on. For five minutes I sat watching it and then couldn't. I felt sick. I wanted to be sick. I started remembering everything that happened with Owen down to things he said, his car and the address his fiancee gave me. All the anger, hurt, revulsion came back like it was happening again. I could taste and smell him. I retched and sobbed privately away from my family who knew nothing about what was going through my mind. I remembered loosing an earring, a pearl stud in his car, the way the sheeps wool felt on my skin, how he'd touched me on the back of my neck which I hate now... All of it, all at once.

I googled his details and he still lives at that address. I started writing a feverish letter out lining everything that happened and what he did to me. Told him that he might not remember me; the young American girl with long brown hair, blue eyes, smiling and trusting in the world around her and see the skeleton of a person who was once herand now is me.

I spoke to a good friend who listened to every graphic detail without stopping me. At the endhe said "you dont have to say no to make it obvious.... what he did was a crime. "

My friend advised me to go to the police. I called ECASA who confirmed that it was sexual assault and it was not something that rarely happens through the internet. There are no statute of limitations on sexual assault and rape. They would offer counseling and said that the police would be doing the investigation. I said I no longer had physical proof but I was told that there's always evidence.

Now I have to decide what to do. The assault was July/August 1999. It's now 2014. I was told if it wasn't the movie that triggered my response, it could have been something else.

What would you do?