This is more of a vent than a question. I know I'm going to sound ungrateful, I know I'm so very very lucky to be blessed with 3 beautiful children. I've been engaged to my partner for about 5 years now. Lately I'm finding myself getting irritated with him over every little thing. He has admitted he likes to get me revved up cus he thinks it's funny. I'm getting to the point where I'm resenting him almost more than I love him (which is a lot). He works hard, but when he comes home he just tunes out and I have to yell just to get him to tune into what I'm saying. We have 3 kids, 2 of whom are under 2 - 21 months & 4.5 months, the other is 8. He does dumb stuff like feed our son while he's laying flat on the floor, then gets irritated when he throws up. Or he will feed our toddler lollies as soon as he gets home (5.30ish) so she doesn't eat dinner. He lets her play with anything, the remotes, his phone, his nasty dirty shoes. He won't listen when I try to suggest he do something a different way. He cracked it the other day when I asked him to feed the dogs, cus I was cooking dinner. He did it but very reluctantly. I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall when I try to talk to him. My children are starting to feel my resentment I'm sure of it. I don't lash out, but I can feel myself get irritated with them easier. I honestly feel like I'm a single parent to 4 kids, not just the 3 I gave birth too!! I'm constantly picking up after him like I do after the kids. He can't even put his socks in the wash! The crap thing is he somehow makes me feel guilty about wanting him to help out more. I don't even want him to do chores, I just want him to pick up after himself and pay attention more instead of playing on his dumb ass phone all the time. I've tried to tell him that it's making him less attractive to me, that I'm finding it hard to love him when he behaves this way. I don't want to have sex with him cus he irritates me so much. He thinks I don't want to have sex cus I'm not attracted to him, but it's his attitude that turns me off, and he constantly pesters me for sex.
I feel like I have little in the way of choices, I put up with it and have 4 children, or I really become a single mum and I leave him.... He won't go to councelling I've asked. I just don't know what else to do.
2 Replies
yes he is a big kid but Im sure he was a big kid before you had kids number 2, and 3. So at this point he is probably really confused because you didn't mind this stuff before and now want him to change. Sure its annoying and everyone gets pissed off from time to time but you need to examine your own thoughts and expectations here too and work out wether some part of you thought he'd magically change at some point. You need to sit down and have a chat with him when your not trying to do things and deal with kids and tell him exactly what you need. Negotiate how you would both like to parent the children and what you want your family to look like and how it should work.
Been there. We fought for years and then after my second bubs i shut down. Anyway he left me with 3 under 5. I surprised myself by how strong I dealt with it and after a few months of co-parenting 50/50 I actually started to rediscover myself and enjoy this new life. Of course I still loved my husband but he'd got himself a girlfriend and was a total stranger.
Anyway fast forward 6 months and he dumps the girlfriend, gets himself into counselling and starts to make other huge changes. Seems he realised what a selfish life he lead in our marriage and also realised how much I did around the house and with the kids. But also realised he was suffering from severe depression.
We're currently having couple counselling and I'm hoping one day to have my family back together. But I will never allow myself to loose myself again as just a wife and mother or housekeeper and I won't let myself be seen as anything else but an equal. But also on the other side of the coin my husband felt neglected and taken for granted and that I just nagged as soon as he stepped in the house. So I've learnt that communication is a huge factor in relationships and sometimes a couple needs help from professionals.
You've said that he won't see a counsellor but there's nothing stopping you. Go out socially every so often, play a sport and vent to a counsellor. You are worth it. And try to save your marriage - it's worth it. Good luck.