I need to get something off my chest…
I recently read on that terrible post about the woman suffering from domestic violence and saw your video post about the same. I'm so glad she is now getting support. It is a terrible situation to be in. I almost became a statistic myself until I found the strength to leave before he killed me. In reading through the comments, I noticed several people asking why she stayed? Why did she put up with it? Why allow someone to do this to her and her kids? I think there is an enormous chasm of understanding about why victims cannot leave. It is one of those things I could never understand myself until I went through it. It can not be explained. I am a smart woman and I also fell into the cycle of domestic violence and became so much less of a person than I had been before. It's often subtle and subversive. Your sense of self is slowly, gradually eroded away and you don't realise you've become a shadow until it seems too late. Then you're stuck. The fear of people's negative opinions becomes overwhelming. You are isolated, you are alone. You often hide what is happening to you so no-one even knows you are dying inside. In trying to protect your children, you unwittingly expose them to the terrible abuse. Fear of what could be done to them almost makes it seem safer to stay. Better the devil you know. Part of this abuse is the belief that you have no-one to turn to. That no-one will believe you. You are so worn down by self-doubt and shame that you don't feel like you can make it on your own. Deep down, you KNOW that it is wrong to stay. You KNOW you are in danger. But you are so quietly ashamed and embarrassed by letting it continue, you can't face it. Because people always ask WHY? They judge you and you can't answer them because you just don't know. Add to all this the grief of losing the person you fell in love with. The love is still there. The hopes for the future, the dreams. It's like they died and were replaced by a monster. In losing someone to death, the grief is raw and overwhelming, and never-ending. But (hopefully) it is tempered with good memories and happy lives and gentle reminders as you learn to deal with life without them. When abused, you have the grief but also the shame, guilt and betrayal that saps at your soul. No happy memories to reflect upon to deal with the pain. Scars and nightmares and anxiety that stay with you for endless years. It seems impossible to go on. But it isn't. I look back now and wonder why I couldn't see what was happening. The simple truth is I loved him. I still, to this day, love the man I married. I despise the monster he became but the man I loved will always be in my heart. I didn't want to let go of our dreams, of my life. I didn't want to look like a failure to my family and friends. But in the end, I had to make the choice. There is no WHY? There is no REASON. Victims of domestic violence or any other kind of abuse should NEVER need to justify themselves. All that matters is that they finally found the strength to stand up and say ENOUGH.
I hope you don't mind my rant. I just hate it when people ask for justification. It puts all the blame back on the victim and that is something that needs to change.
5 Replies
I completely agree. For me it was the fear, I stayed to long because of that. Then when I thought it would all be over it wasn't, it got worse. I remember many days and nights thinking of how I could kill myself, who would get the kids and raise them how I want them raised, how I would survive and this was after I left. It was the harassment, it felt like it wouldn't stop until I went back or killed myself. There were times I wished he had actually done it, I wished he had the guts to have killed me. That's the sad reality now that i see, the toll it took. I never judge for anyone staying now, I understand it. I am also happy for those who can, because they have never felt what I and so many others have. The very soul they suck out of you will never come back how it was. It is scary, it is empty, it is still love somewhere in there you still see the person you fell in love with. A year ago I was working out how to kill myself, now I am getting my life on track I still miss him, the little things he did now seem like it outweighs the bad, then I remember that fear, that hate, the way he emptied out my strength and determination, the way he took something in me I may never get back - that's when I realise I miss her more, that person who was once so strong, independent and happy.
I agree that the victim has no fault for being abused. I understand the psychology of the victim and why they stay.
But who advocates for the children? You, as every other survivor of DV admits that they actually (albeit unwittingly) put their children in more danger and these children are subjected to the normality of abuse, growing up to thinking this way of life iskok, and sometimes creating the same way of life for themselves as adults, most suffering from anxiety and depression as a result of their upbringing. Who is advocating for the children? When you tell women that it's ok to feel no blame and that the important thing is that they leave when they are ready? Who cared about the children until if and when that day happened? Who cared about the children's abuse occurring until one hopeful day when their mother is able to leave? Why is it always about the mother, or the abuser? What about the children???Why aren't they put first regardless of all else??? And why are they brushed under the table in every attempt to make everyone else feel better about not blaming the victim mother??? Why aren't the children seen as the critical victim???
Hi. This was my post. Please do not think that I am ignoring the children. I chose not to really address the issue of children in these horrible situations as I did not have children with my ex-husband and so have no experience or first-person understanding of this. I could only speak about how it felt to me as a spouse only. I do not feel I have the right to guess or imagine how it would feel with children involved as it would not be truth as I was trying to express it. I can only sigh with relief that I did not have children to worry about. In the end, I found the courage to leave because my ex went from abusing me to threatening my few allowed friends. I hope you understand.
I'm sorry if I sounded like I was having a go at you, I was just hoping for answers as I see this is a huge but largely untalked about issue. these questions are more posed to society in general and I might even post on this site actually.
You are very brave for sharing your story x
AMEN! Well said... :-)