Please don't blame the victims

I need to get something off my chest…

I recently read on that terrible post about the woman suffering from domestic violence and saw your video post about the same. I'm so glad she is now getting support. It is a terrible situation to be in. I almost became a statistic myself until I found the strength to leave before he killed me. In reading through the comments, I noticed several people asking why she stayed? Why did she put up with it? Why allow someone to do this to her and her kids? I think there is an enormous chasm of understanding about why victims cannot leave. It is one of those things I could never understand myself until I went through it. It can not be explained. I am a smart woman and I also fell into the cycle of domestic violence and became so much less of a person than I had been before. It's often subtle and subversive. Your sense of self is slowly, gradually eroded away and you don't realise you've become a shadow until it seems too late. Then you're stuck. The fear of people's negative opinions becomes overwhelming. You are isolated, you are alone. You often hide what is happening to you so no-one even knows you are dying inside. In trying to protect your children, you unwittingly expose them to the terrible abuse. Fear of what could be done to them almost makes it seem safer to stay. Better the devil you know. Part of this abuse is the belief that you have no-one to turn to. That no-one will believe you. You are so worn down by self-doubt and shame that you don't feel like you can make it on your own. Deep down, you KNOW that it is wrong to stay. You KNOW you are in danger. But you are so quietly ashamed and embarrassed by letting it continue, you can't face it. Because people always ask WHY? They judge you and you can't answer them because you just don't know. Add to all this the grief of losing the person you fell in love with. The love is still there. The hopes for the future, the dreams. It's like they died and were replaced by a monster. In losing someone to death, the grief is raw and overwhelming, and never-ending. But (hopefully) it is tempered with good memories and happy lives and gentle reminders as you learn to deal with life without them. When abused, you have the grief but also the shame, guilt and betrayal that saps at your soul. No happy memories to reflect upon to deal with the pain. Scars and nightmares and anxiety that stay with you for endless years. It seems impossible to go on. But it isn't. I look back now and wonder why I couldn't see what was happening. The simple truth is I loved him. I still, to this day, love the man I married. I despise the monster he became but the man I loved will always be in my heart. I didn't want to let go of our dreams, of my life. I didn't want to look like a failure to my family and friends. But in the end, I had to make the choice. There is no WHY? There is no REASON. Victims of domestic violence or any other kind of abuse should NEVER need to justify themselves. All that matters is that they finally found the strength to stand up and say ENOUGH.

I hope you don't mind my rant. I just hate it when people ask for justification. It puts all the blame back on the victim and that is something that needs to change.