My fiancé suffers from PTSD and depression following an accident he had whilst deployed overseas with the military. The accident happened before we started dating so I've known about his "issues" the whole time. We got engaged last year after less than a year dating (have known each other for a few years though) and we are set to get married next year.
For around the last 6 months the affection in our relationship has just dropped off and continues to do so. Sex has become once a month (if I'm lucky). We didn't even have sex the weekend we got engaged. But it's not just sex, it's everything; holding hands, cuddles, good morning/night kisses, the lot. The few times I have tried to raise it he has taken it as though I am blaming him. He says he will try harder or tells me I should find someone else. I love this man with all my heart but I don't know how I can cope with no affection indefinitely. How do I get the spark back when it feels like everything I try gets shut down? l
Partner with PTSD, total lack of affection.
Partner with PTSD, total lack of affection.
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
8 Replies
I'm going to sound really harsh. Do not get married! Don't plan a wedding. Now is not the time and it will only get worse. He has basically told you he doesn't want to work on that side of your relationship. That's code for you will have to compromise everything and feel rejected and lonely your entire marriage.
He isn't ready for a serious relationship or marriage because he doesn't care that this might make you unhappy.
Time to split up
Clearly you have no insight into the military, deployment to Afghanistan/Iraq, mental health, medications, CBT or this relationship specifically.
actually I have undergone CBT, have a close male friend who has PTSD (from Iraq) and have been on anti-depressents myself. I'm sorry if you don't feel I'm entitled to an opinion.
.... anti psychotics, anti anxiety, SSRIs, mood stabilizers and anti hypnotics do list sexual dysfunction/inhibition/desire.
My friend is a mental health nurse. My brother in law has PTSD associated with 18 months combat roles. He is on diazapam and lithium. My uncle is a Vietnam Vet SAS. My best friend shot himself after struggling with ETOH PTSD and his divource after the Marines discharged him and refused to let him reenlist.
My ex served in Timor and Afghanistan. We divourced because he rejected me and had intimacy issues after coming back. You cannot give up on a marriage because your husband is struggling and pushing you away because he thinks you deserve better and doesn't know how to fix himself. We tried. He couldn't get past it.
Nothing is black and white.
The main question is, do you really truly love him? Not for who he could be for you or how he can make your feel. Do you absolutely love him? If not, suck it up be honest with him that you don't love him enough to be there for him. Just get out of his way.
But if you really do actually for real love him then be a safe place for him. Ask him what you can do to help him to feel safe. Hold him, tell him it's ok. Tell him that you love him and accept him and mean it. Us folk with PTSD are walking bullshit detectors. But telling him you love him when you're only doing so because you think he can turn it around and be what you want, well, lookup "gaslighting". You'd only be abusing him with your falsity.
He feels Alone.
The fact that you're on here looking for someone else to justify leaving him tells us all what you should do. Don't beat yourself up for not really loving him, just go the fuck away.
Is the army helping with the PTSD? The Austin Repatriation Hospital might be something to consider. Try not to take it personally.
I have PTSD, GAD and depression. It's not easy on everyone. The meds will also affect sex drive and the inability to climax. I have been on Zoloft for three months and zero desire for sex or sexual activity. Affection wise, I am hypervigilant, hypersensitive and it is overwhelming at times. I sometimes hate being touched and physically jump. I have classic behaviors where I need my back to the wall closest to an exit and in a corner.
It sucks. The Repat Hospital might be helpful for both of you. Goodluck.
I agree don't get married yet. Put it on the burner and work through this first. The last thing you need is the pressure of a failed marriage or standing by your vows to keep you in a miserable relationship or feel like you can't leave or have no options. That's a lot of pressure. I think he is suffering and needs to work through that and hopefully you stay through it and he stays with you through it too, but better to know before you're married. Life with ptsd, depression, mental illness is and can be really hard. And you're not supposed to give up on someone because of it, at the start you will be so positive that you wouldn't do that... But honestly there's a line where enough is enough and everybody needs and deserves to live a life that's happy, not attach themselves to a sinking ship. It's sad but honest that it's ok to leave, so just give yourself time and don't rush into anything too soon.
Unless he has willing to aknoledged he has a problem and get treatment I believe it will only get worse. I was in a similar situation military ptsd. Started out as your describing moved to be being blamed for everything then emotional anise started. I ended up graving our kids and running when threats of physical violence towards my 3 year old started.