Hi mums!
Having a rough time at home at the moment with my partner who has gotten away with not having to help out at night if our son wakes up since he was born, I'm now reaching breaking point and try asking for help but I get excuse after excuse as to why he cannot get out of bed and try to help out with him to give me a break to calm down.
This leads me to wonder just how it is normally done in other households?
Thanks!
Ps, no bashing as I have copped one in one of my previous posts and I am slightly hesitant to ask this.
12 Replies
My ex did the same thing.. I was very much sleep deprived. He never got up once. His excuse was work.. But even when he got home he sat in the lounge not even seeing his son first.. When all I wanted was a shower and maybe an hours sleep. It was very frustrating and the hormones didn't help either. Again his excuse was "but I work all day".
At about 8 months after our son was born. I said I needed more help.. And that he didn't take the rubbish out that morning or feed the dog.. We got into a huge fight and I asked him to leave.. He left with out a fight or even a second thought.
Not my ideal ending for my myself.. Or for my son.
Try talking to him again and if he is not handling the change then maybe suggest that he talk to some one about it. And maybe talk to some one yourself. Try to get it sorted before it gets out of control. Keep your head up.. Your doing the best you can!
My hubby doesn't help out at nite with our 3 kids, he starts work at around 2 am and works till mid morning. So if Iam up all nite with kids he will watch them during the day so I can catch up on some sleep
Hugs to you, to be honest I'm stay at home so I actually have recently said hubby sleep in another room while I might ween bubs I always tried to keep him sleeping when she woke , I just felt it was fair as I could nap in the day if I was exhausted but I also had a man who helps on weekends and whatnot and I get mummy breaks, remember sleep deprivation makes you more irritable. Don't know if that helps good luck xx
I'm the stay at home parent so I did night duty for the kids, still do. I could nap when bub napped during the day if I needed to, although having a toddler and a baby was interesting as far as naps went lol. Establishing a good sleep routine at night early on was the best thing I did for my sleep levels. I didn't expect my husband to wake up to deal with a baby, but he would help if he was awake and I needed a shower, a nap or needed to do something that I hadn't been able to do.
Is this your first child? For me I knew I was going to have trouble sleeping when the baby came so me and my partner discussed arrangements before hand. I preferred to stay up later so I would do late night feeds, he was up early for work so I asked if he could get up earlier and do early morning feed (I also let him go to bed earlier so he didn't miss out on too much sleep). I feel bad for you and it's sad to read your struggling, however some men just don't get how hard it is and are programmed to think "its the womans job". Try sitting him down one more time and explaining to him how upset you are and how hard it is for you and if your able to get more help you'll be happier etc. If he keeps ignoring your wishes it's up to you what you want to do from there. Maybe try using sleep techniques like cry it out or dream feeding?
My hubby worked night shift so I always did both day and night apart from the 5am feed our daughter would wake every morning at 5am when he got home so he would do that one and get her back to sleep... then by the 9am he was ready to head to bed so I would get up we would have a coffee snd he would sleep... for a shower I would do that when he woke up at about 4 so he would then look after her for a couple hours for me to shower, go shopping and cook :-)
Firstly, big big hugs to you. Sleep deprivation is a horrible thing :( Do you think maybe your partner feels nervous about being alone with bub? I only ask because I did everything with my child for the first few months, and without realising it I had made my hubby feel inferior and like he wasn't doing anything right when he tried to help. So he gave up, and I got fed up because I thought he just wasn't interested. I actually had a breakdown one day and bawled my eyes out to him saying I just needed 5 mins time out, and it was only then that he explained how he was feeling and how nervous I had made him feel to look after our child. I think you need to sit down and nut it out with him. Ask him if he could please on his days off help with chores, or sit and amuse your little one so you can get some much needed sleep, and explain that you too have a full time job. Men have a very hard time seeing the bigger picture, and a lot of them believe we just sit and watch tv all day and that our "job" is so easy. So I believe talking and explaining how you feel, then listening while he explains how he feels are the keys to getting through this tough time and getting you to a point where you can both work together to make sure both your needs are met, as well as your little ones needs.
In our household now after talking through everything we came up with this - I get up during the nights through the week. My hubby gives me Friday night off and he gets up, I get a sleep in Saturday morning, and my hubby gets a sleep in Sunday morning (I do the Saturday night duty). He helps cook on the weekends, and I do all the housework during the week. We both get the yard work done on a Saturday, and Sunday is our family day. Maybe you could come up with a routine similar (adjusting to your partners work schedule) and see if you can both come to some kind of compromise? I truly wish you all the best and hope you get some much needed sleep soon xx
Thanks mums for the replies! I find it doesn't matter how many times I tell him I'm struggling it doesn't change anyway. I don't expect him to help me with getting him to sleep, just if he's up 4 or more times during the night. I managed for the first year (14 month old now) and as we eventually want another baby I question just how much he would help if both kids were awake. I suppose this is the main reason why I asked this question. I've decided for the moment my legs are staying shut lol! But yes, thank you for the replies. It gives me a good insight into how others are doing it. :)
Should probably mention, he's been sick!! He has normally slept great up until he fell sick and then came the sleepless nights id completely forgotten even existed lol
In the early days when bub was brand new if I had bed up for ages I would wake DH up and he would take a shift. As he got bigger and slept better I have rarely needed help but there have been a few times when bub was sick etc and I had been up lots of times I would ask for help. I took a year off though after bub was born and have only gone back to work 1 day a week.
I never use to make my hubby get up when our son was little because he works 5-6 days a week and I was a stay at home mum. It wouldnt be fair of me to ask him to get up after working all day as it is a privilege in my opinion to be financially able to be a stay at home mum! If he wasn't working though of course he should get up and have his share! Just my opinion :)
I hope this doesn't sound like miss perfect but I'm genuinely surprised how hard people say a stay at home mum is I have 3 under 3 and my dad is made up of the beach , playground picnics and bike rides my 1 year twins still wake Dlmetimes 3 times a night and I wouldn't dream of asking my partner to get up in the night for them, to be fair though he will oftener up at 645/7 with them or if they wake earlier and I sleep till 730 and I do have little breaks on weekends but it's my job just like his job, yes some days are harder than other and yes some days the sleep deprecation drives me bonkers but I put on a DVD for my 2 year old and nap when they twins occasionally go down together
If he doesn't help at all that's gRsh but if it's just about night feeds I agree with him, but why not get him to wake with bubs in te morning and let you sleep an hour more un disturbed? For me that just is like a red bull :) good luck xx