Help / Opinions needed.
We are a 1 child family, LO is 4.5. My partner & I live together, have done so for the last 12 months. We are under huge financial pressure at the moment due to bills, day care cost etc. We both work full time. He's her step dad. He's just come out with that he's feeling loss of appetite, anxiety, anger, pessimism, detachment and increased irritability, he says he doesn't know the cause of these feelings. Our sex life is non existent and I'm emotionally self blaming as I feel maybe I am the cause for his lack of interest. He's still taking care of himself once or twice a week but sex is a real effort. Can anyone help with this situation or brainstorm ideas on how to help him? He finds talking about how he's feeling difficult, he comes out with alot of I don't knows and feelings of being frustrated and I'm worried a lot of his feelings are related to our relationship and the big responsibilities he has taken on. Is it me or is it depression?
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3 Replies
Depression, big time, so stop blaming yourself right now, sweetheart.
I've been dealing with depression (sometimes bordering on psychosis) on and off since I was 14 (I'm 38 now), and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder six years ago, so I'm more than familiar with how your partner is feeling.
The most important thing you can do is tell him that you love him, that you'll support him through everything, and then take him to his GP. The GP can have him do a quick questionnaire which will, considering what you've posted here, strongly indicate the possibility of depression and you can then look at treatment options. There's medication and therapy, of course, but exercise is brilliant and a healthy diet can do wonders as well. If you guys aren't happy with the way your GP handles things, find a new one. Having a doctor you can trust is very important.
For yourself as well as your partner, look at sites like Beyond Blue to learn more about what's going on in his mind, as well as what you can do to support him. There is also information for how people like yourself can make sure you stay healthy as well - it's very easy for depression to 'spread', if you know what I mean. How could it not? Watching someone you love suffer this 'invisible illness' can be torture, so it's just as important for you to have the love and support that you need to get through this.
His lack of interest in sex is just part of the condition, by the way. It's an issue in my marriage, too, and thousands of others.
I don't know if you have any previous experience with depression or another mental illness, but I want to say this on your partner's behalf: depression is real, as real as a broken leg. The pain is real, the symptoms and feelings are real, even if they seem completely unjustified or unreasonable. With depression your perceptions are skewed, you tend to misconstrue and misunderstand things a lot, your mind races with terrible thoughts day and night, sleep can either be impossible to achieve or a refuge sought out at every opportunity. It affects every part of your life, as you are quickly discovering. It can be extremely difficult to live with someone suffering depression, and there will be times where you'll be angry, devastated, hurt, lost....Please understand that if he says hurtful things, it's the depression talking. If he does stupid things, it's the depression guiding him. I'm not saying he's allowed to treat you like dirt just because he's depressed, but you need to try and keep in mind why he says and does things.
So please, do everything you can to help him and yourself and bubba. If he EVER talks about self-harming or suicide, call Mental Health immediately. Even if he says he was just letting off steam. Once those thoughts get into your head, it can be bloody hard to get rid of them.
I hope something I've said here is useful to you, love, that I've made some kind of sense. I truly wish you and your family the very best of luck. Just remember that depression is a TEMPORARY issue, it can be managed and it can be cured. Take care xox
I'm a nurse, so the struggle for me is even greater knowing I go to work everyday and help people but cannot help the one I love the most.
He would never mistreat me, but he can be cold and detached at times. I know it's a long road ahead, just a completely unexpected one. Thank you for your advice though.
Talk to your GP for a psych referral. That's a lot of stress, that needs to be talked through, and get some tools to help figure out how to deal with it all and work on solutions. When I went on maternity leave with no.1, found out hubbys company was moving HQ to China and made 80%+ redundant; 2 weeks before no.2, hubbys father had a stroke and died suddenly a few days later, had to drive 37 weeks preg Syd-Gold Coast (and back!) with 2yo for funeral (which worried us if baby decided to arrive somewhere on the highway!!!), hubby was also starting a new job. He was very stressed obviously on both occasions. I wish I had urged him to talk to someone, but he's ok thankfully. Just remember that it's not you, it's the situation. He needs you to help him talk it through, make plans, show him some solutions to minimise his feelings of being overwhelmed, help take some burden (in some form), even if it's just ironing his shirt for work, paying more attention to reduce spending. Ok, I'm rambling...my point is, try to pinpoint what is really bothering him, and make sure that he knows that you are there for support, encourage him to talk. Men thrive on solutions, he needs a solution to his problem....once he finds it with regard to your mention on finances, he will feel a whole lot better! Good luck X