I'm very much an imperfect mum. I am trying to juggle working full-time, studying a Masters degree, running a home business (separate to my normal day job), regular exercise (have to be very fit for work) whilst raising a toddler. On top of that, I do most of the housework, have dogs to take care of and a house to get ready to sell. I absolutely love my job and studies, but constantly feel like a failure as a mum for not spending more time with my child. I try my hardest to make the time we do get together lots of fun by doing things she loves like swimming lessons, arts and crafts, outings, but then Monday roles around and for the next 5 days she only gets to see me for an hour or so each day. I wish I could be the type of woman that could be happy to stay at home with a baby, but I tried it and became terribly depressed - I need to work for my sanity (also, I'm the primary breadwinner, so we need my wage). My husband works part-time so she is either with him or other close relatives through the week, so it's not like she lives at daycare or anything, but I just can't shake the feeling that I'm a hopeless, disappointment of a mother! I try to tell myself that I'm setting her an example that you can pursue you academic/career dreams, but I just keep thinking, what if she becomes an adult and thinks I didn't give her enough attention?
Additionally, poor hubby only gets the 'scraps of me' leftover at the end of the day. I'm constantly exhausted, often overwhelmed and really am not being a good enough wife. He says he understands but I know it's not fair on him and I'm letting him down.
I also have some friends and family members that expect me to keep in touch regularly, help organise events etc and become annoyed/disappointed in me when I don't meet their expectations. I try to make it clear that I'm flat out and am doing my best to keep up with everything, but I don't think they understand the magnitude of my workload/commitments and think I'm being slack.
I guess I'd like to hear from other IMs who have have brought up a child with a demanding career. How did it turn out? Any tips on juggling everything? How can I better manage other relationships that are important to me? Am I indeed just the world's worst mother/wife/friend after all and don't deserve the wonderful daughter/husband/friends that I have?
I'm exhausted, drained, working so hard to get everything done and please everyone and in spite of all this I'm still failing...
5 Replies
I haven't been in your situation, but just wanted to offer you some kind words. There are all types of mums out there - ones that stay at home, ones that work because they need/want to, ones that have an active social life away from their kids every weekend, ones that love spending the weekend doing things with their kids. But you know what they all have in common? They LOVE their children unconditionally. And love is the key to being a successful mum. As long as your child feels safe and loved then you're doing something right! For you to be feeling guilty makes you completely normal! Mothers guilt is a terrible thing that can eat us up inside. So you need to find balance in the way you are doing things if you are feeling overwhelmed and not really enjoying it all. Make time once a week to spend the evening with your husband without the interference of work or studies. Make time once a weekend to have a family day with hubby and daughter. Make time once a week where you get to just sit in the bath and relax by yourself and enjoy some alone time. Roster the housework, if hubby is working less hours than you then he needs to do more around the house. Give him a schedule to work by, do up one for yourself, and even give your daughter jobs like picking up her toys, helping you feed/groom the dogs, helping you sort washing etc (my 19 mo loves helping me wash the dishes and sort the washing lol). It's still quality time spent with her, while you are getting stuff done. She will remember the conversations you have while doing these task long after they are done, because you've taken the time to actually sit and talk with her no matter how much nonsense the actual conversations are (especially if she has a wild imagination like my little boy lol). Be kind to yourself, you don't need to be superwoman xx
I'm not in your situation, and I wouldn't last long with as many commitments as what you're juggling! Putting aside the fact that you love work and study it still does sound like you have well and truly overcommitted yourself. You know it and you said you're overwhelmed. Something will eventually give most likely your health, so I suggest that you review what is essential in your life and what is not. Perhaps you could defer your study until a more convenient time?
I honestly struggle to work part time, keep a tidy house, keep my family happy so how you're keeping it all together seems like a miracle to me!
Be easier on yourself....
The first two repliers to your post are absolutely right, sweetheart!
My two cents: forget about the friends and relatives who expect so much from you. You're living your life for you, your hubby and your little girl. The three of you come first, a long way ahead of anyone and anything else. Let the others organise their own stuff. Learn to say "No." Also, learn not to care what other people think of you. It means nothing. You know who you are and why you do what you do.
I would also caution you about depression. I know you said you got depressed when you weren't working, but overloading yourself with responsibility to the extent that you have will get you there just as easily. I live with mental illness every day and I can tell you it's no picnic, especially when you run a business and have a hubby and two kids to take care of.
You are not failing, you're just trying to do a bit too much all at the same time. As the saying goes: there are only so many hours in a day. Postpone your study for a while, if you can. See if you can work a few less hours. I know you love your job, but you don't love that it takes away from family time, so find some middle ground there. If you have to stay fit for your job, find a way to include hubby and your daughter in some of your exercise time. Go for a jog together with your daughter in a stroller, or swim, or something else that you can do together. Also remember it's a lot easier to STAY fit than it is to GET fit. You've done the hard work. You don't have to keep getting fitter!
I don't know if any of this is helping, but I hope it does! Best of luck to you xo
Thank you guys for your kind words, that has certainly given me a few things to consider! Xo
I had a very demanding job that I did from home, so my kids were always with me while I worked, as I didn't want to put them in care. But the stress levels were insane. For me, I really had to think about what WAS important. A double income was fantastic. But even though my little ones were with me. They weren't 'getting me'. I'd only stop what I was doing to make them food or redirect their attention to a craft table I'd set up, or a DVD I'd put on etc. I very rarely calmly sat and played. I also did 90% of the house work even though I was up some nights til midnight working while the kids were in bed. Something always has to give in these situations. And whether you like it or not, it does. In my case, and what sounds like yours, it's time with your children and husband. Do you NEED to be doing your masters right at this very moment? Do you NEED to work full time (can hubby pick up more hours for a while at his job)? If you do have to work full time, then you need to sit down with hubby and tell him that you're warn out and need more help at home. If you only worked part time and he was studying and working, I imagine you'd still be doing ALL the work at home. So he really needs to pick up his game if he's at home the most.
I ended up quitting my job and we decided to have another baby (as we've always wanted three). I'm bored out of my brain most days as I'm currently a stay at home Mum. But I'm not stressed. My children have me whenever they want.. And for us, that is most important. We won't be buying that big block of land we wanted to buy this year, but oh well. Redirect your attention to what is truly the most important thing/s in your life. Honestly, the only thing that gets me down is the pressure I feel from 'society' to be a million things. Like just being a Mum isn't good enough. It is. Money, career, all of that stuff isn't what you're going to be sad to leave when you're on your death bed. All the best... x