I'm nineteen years old, I am an early childhood educator working with babies & toddlers, always dreamt of being a mum... I'm so desperate to be pregant now. That's the short story.
Since my early teens all I've dreamt of is being a mum. I'm from a big family, I love children so much, and it's my job to look after babies and toddlers ten hours a day, five days a week - and I love it. Ask me what my dream in life is, and it's to be a Mum. Always has been. I'm still living at home and will be until I get my Diploma and I am learning to be wiser with my money, but I can never budge the fact that I just want to be a mum... now. To my family and my partners family, having a baby at 20 may have them wanting to shoot us, initially. However, they'd come around... surely. I get very depressed and so upset when I think that I 'need' to move out, finish studying, get married and spend a couple more years after that building life up before a baby.
Is a baby in my current situation really that wrong? I'm mature, responsible and my maternal instincts have been kicking for years. It's all I want - being a mother at 19 isn't something that fazes me. My partner and I are very much in love and plan on spending our lives together.
Opinions? And if it is so wrong and a bad idea... please help me with how I can deal with these strong urges to fall pregnant! It's just getting upsetting! Xx
17 Replies
I like this post! Its refreshing! I think you do 'need' to finish study and move out before you have your baby, only because those things become more difficult once bubs is born! Not impossible, but more difficult! Also the big picture will be closer after those things are sorted! The big picture being, raising a child! In order to raise a child the ideal thing is to have somewhere that is your home, even if its just renting! And to be able to afford your child, which is where your diploma comes in to action! Congrats on that by the way :) you certainly sound very motivated!
My advice is... Never give up on the mum dream, maybe even write down a list of things you 'need' to do before bubs, put bubs at the bottom of the list! You could include things like...finish study, move out, save cash, save money for cot ect... That way you are still on the baby track and you will know you achieved everything you set out to do and the baby is the big screaming, feeding, pooping reward at the end! :) I'm not going to tell you, 'you are to young', but I will say that in the long run, what's waiting another year or so?? All about the big picture! Go get em tiger!
If you really want a baby, finish your diploma, get your own place, make sure your relationship is in order and healthy. Make sure you can financially manage without working for however long it is you will need to take off, make sure you are fit and healthy and then have a baby.
There are huge implications of having a baby while living at home. The biggest issue is the only people who should be choosing if a baby comes into that house are your parents! They have to hear the baby cry, they'll be woken up in the night, they will have there house taken over by baby stuff. It's a very selfish thing to do! Plus how do you plan to financially support this baby? I assume you'll want the government to pay you to stay at home with this baby, which is so very wrong, or will your partner be financially looking after you? In which case move out. If I was your parents I would be furious.
I think if you are becoming obsessed with the idea it's time to go get some counselling. My experience of friends who were obsessed with having a baby, it didn't turn out like they thought at all and the baby didn't fill the hole in themselves they were trying to fill.
I know this is going to sound a bit mean but the fact that your not set up on your own and still want a baby now tells me you aren't emotionally ready. Having a baby is a massive responsibility. It's a huge strain emotionally, physically financially one that is much more all consuming than working in a childcare centre. That baby needs a home and the best start in life you can give it. Think of the future baby and think about what sort of life you want it to have. Do you want it to have a family home, do you want it to play sport or do ballet? Give your future baby the best start possible by doing it at the right time and not jumping the gun.
While I agree that you do sound somewhat mature I absolutely think you should have a list to "get sorted" before baby. I would definately finish study and save a good amount of money. Personally there is no way I would bring a baby home to anywhere but my own home. I would also want to live just with my partner for at least a year before taking the plunge... That is also just personally something I'd do because until you live alone with someone you don't know them as well as you think. Get motivated, focused and get cracking with some goals - The sooner you do the sooner you will be ready :-) Good luck!
People, just remember that the girl also wants advice to deal with these feelings!
You know what? I'm going to go against the (apparent) grain here. My advice, is if you and your partner are in a stable, happy, healthy relationship and if there is talk about marriage in the near-ish future, you have money in a savings account already and you can both sit down and be happy with the implications of having a baby - go for it!!
Getting pregnant will mean that your studies will probably need to be put on hold for a while, particularly right after the baby is born. You may find you can only go back part time or you could have a really hard baby and not be able to go back to study for a year or two. You might find that you can't part yourself from your baby and therefore don't want to go back to work - could you afford to do it? If you couldn't, consider the emotional affects this could cause.
Also remember that when you move out of home there will be many more bills you'll be responsible for. You'll have rent, electricity, food, any loans or credit cards you have etc. Children cost a lot of money, particularly if you have to formula feed for whatever reason.
I feel for you because my dream was to always be a mum as well. I was lucky enough that my husband and I were in well paying jobs and were able to get married before we started trying (although the bug to have a baby hit before we were married). But although I'm saying go for it - please make sure you're ready in every aspect. Sit down, write it out and remember, if you realise it's not going to be viable for a few more months or maybe a year or two, it's not the end of the world :) revel in the time you get to spend with the children at work, see how the learn and grow and interact with each other. Start saving and planning for the future. Although it can be hard when you can't have something you want immediately, it can be just as fun planning and saving.
Oh and I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice to help you deal with your feelings. I just managed by looking at baby things online and planning what I'd buy lol.
I understand the urges, I've had them (on and off) since I was young. When my partner and I decided it was "go" time, it all happened very quickly. We were not financially stable but both had good jobs and we thought we were ready. I was 29 and he was 38. A week after we got the positive result, he was let go from his job (site closed down) and we spent basically the entire pregnancy with him going from job to job because nothing was working out (some of it was his fault, some of was not). When our daughter was born he worked in a casual job bringing home 700 a week - we paid $500 of that in rent and we had debts and owed back rent from the times he was not working. I (thankfully) was getting PPL from the government and other payments but it was nothing like what I had previously brought in. We hadn't ever worked together financially (never stuck to a budget together etc) despite having been together 6 years at the time.
Our daughter is now nearly 4 and we're still digging ourselves out of the shit and are likely to be for some time. We don't regret having our daughter, she is the light of our lives. We DO regret not getting our ducks in a row beforehand.
My advice: get yourselves together financially. Save up and move out. Make a budget together and decide to stick to it. Live on (mostly) one wage and save the other; create a buffer for when you do have a baby or even just for emergencies. Do that for a year or maybe more if you can. Pay your bills on time and don't buy stuff on credit if you can help it!! (I can't stress that enough). Have a little fun (fun becomes very different once you're parents). Be very sure that your partner is the one for you.
Find someone to talk to about this (a counsellor). I am positive you'll be an amazing mum but you have lots of time in front of you and if you have the opportunity to ensure things in your life are stable as can be befote you bring a child into it, I recommend you do it!
i had a baby at 19. i wish id waited, started a career, had some money behind me and maybe bought a house and traveled a bit. you can have a child in 5 years time and still be a 'young' mother.
use your feelings and maternal instinct to urge you along with your goals of being financially ready. no its not the worst thing to have a baby at 19, but its sure is hard as hell! and trust me, you want to give your child the absolute best, and owning a car and house before you become a mum certainly helps you be able to afford the things you will want to give to your child :)
I also had my first at 19 and I feel exactly the same as this!!!
I love my two beautiful girls to death but I now support them on my own, there Dad is actively in their lives but I 100% support them financially and it's really hard!
So you are on the sole parent pension ?? Or are you working full time ??
So you are on the sole parent pension ?? Or are you working full time ??
I also had my first at 19 and I feel exactly the same as this!!!
I love my two beautiful girls to death but I now support them on my own, there Dad is actively in their lives but I 100% support them financially and it's really hard!
If you want a baby and your partner feels 100% the same and you are financially stable just do it. Don't worry about your family and friends it is not their decision. Your parents may have an input only because the baby will be living under their roof. I had my (now 5 year old) when I was 17. I lived with my mum until he was 2, she was very supportive though. Good luck
I felt the same way at your age. It was hard to wait but I'm so, so glad I did. The time I spent being young and earning money, traveling and buying a home set me up to be a better parent. I had to think not of myself and what I wanted, but what I wanted for my kids. You'll be a good mum someday because you're a very child-focused person and you'll adore them, but give yourself life experience first and you'll be a great mum.
Move out and experience the world of bill paying before you commit to having a baby. Also there are two people that have a child never forget that. You might think we are being negative but trust us as we have had children young and wouldn't change them for the world we might change the situation. There is plenty of time to have kids. Get you house sorted first. Get used to paying your bills and just enjoy your job
I had my first at 20, and was a single parent for the first year of his life, living with my parents, fighting with my ex, and on top of that I lost almost all my friends simply because they were all studying and being 20 year old, while I was living the life of someone much older, I was up at 4.30 and ready for bed at 7pm. I ended up meeting my current partner and falling pregnant not long after that. I'm only now at 24 getting to the stage where I can study, I rarely get a minute to myself ( not complaining, I love being with my children, but that's a fact) and that's only while my eldest is at school and my baby sleeps. Money is tight, as we are a single income and we live in a tiny complex, most people my age are buying their first house, something that has been set back because of having children young. My point is, having children young is a blessing in that I feel I'm young enough to enjoy every moment, and engage with them more, but I sacrificed my education, my social life, a career and my "party days" for nappies, late night feedings and vomit. There are alot of sacrifices with any baby at any age, but at a young age there are far more..