Hi Ladies, I have been struggling with where to start and suddenly I realised that I have all of your wisdom to lean on...
Background: I live on the opposite side of the country to the rest of my family. I have one 4yo child and once every 12 months (or so) I try to visit them all - he needs to see his grandies and cousins, and he loves it.
The problem is that my family is a hot mess. They all have physical health issues which make life difficult - except my brother in law, who works 11 days out of every fortnight, then comes home to do all the cooking/grocery shopping. My sister is carer to their ASD+ sons - which is challenging and tiring and comes on top of her own ailments. My parents are quite old and in failing health, too. They all struggle, financially and in every aspect of their life.
Both households are cluttered and crammed with stuff they don't need and will never use. They are hoarders suffocating in their own homes - it's hard to move without tripping over things, and they resist me on every level when I try to help.
The boys live in an environment that is obviously detrimental to their disorders - yelling, screaming, meltdowns, inconsistent routine, bad diet...
Last night my BIL looked at me with such despair and said he's deathly tired of it all. He has lost his spark and is a shell of a man. He is overweight, overworked and I think quite depressed.
This morning the boys were in full flight, fighting and screaming, looping behaviour with no self moderation and I have no idea how I would approach the daily grind of it all - I understand where she is coming from, but it's crisis point.
My sister hurled words and screams at my nephews in such a way that it's obviously routine. It was so horrible I wanted to grab my daughter (and my nephews) and go to a hotel.
This is hideously damaging for them all. I am going to sit her down and tell her, with love but firmly, that I understand all of her problems but the abuse has to stop. Not acceptable.
So... where else do I start?
I am thinking if I can get some sort of help in for the house - maybe a de-cluttering service?
I am heading home in 2 days and financially stretched myself so suggestions welcome!
(They are in southern Sydney - Sutherland Shire).
2 Replies
I suspect they aren't accessing services they are entitled to.
Unfortunately a de-cluttering expert will not fix the issues it will be a band aid and you'll find they will be back at square one in no time.
The parents need there own psychologists and probably social workers too. The boys should also be seeing behavioural psychologists. There is also respite care (where workers come to the home) that they could be accessing. The parents psychologists could help them access these services.
There local council for a very small fee can organise someone to do there food shopping, and organise some housework/yard work etc. there are a huge number of services out there if they CHOOSE to accept them and choose to work with them. In my experience (work in the industry) is that a surprising number of people turn down the help until there own mental health is sorted.
Personally I would take her aside, maybe outside for a cup of tea/coffee and ask her what help she thinks she needs? Maybe if she had some respite from the kiddies for a bit she may be able to get the house in order, Maybe she has no option but to put up with how they live and has gotten used to it, or maybe she has resigned herself to the fact that is how it is and that is how it is going to be? I would definitely say that she is overwhelmed and can see no way to rectify or improve her situation even. I know there is funding for families with children with disabilities, that includes respite carers, help with housework, help with shopping etc It may take a bit to get into the services that are needed but she can get help, even try some sort of crisis care in the near future. Contact someone if she permits you to, if not ask hubby to do it, or for his permission to contact someone on their behalf ASAP much love to you all :)