I'm sorry for the long post....
Now nearly 3 years ago I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter to my partner of only 5 months. We were living together and had a wonderful relationship. I found out I was 11 weeks pregnant and I was really scared as both of our families are from cultures that frown upon children before marriage. I decided that no matter how scared I was, I could not go through a termination and decided to keep the baby.
A month after we got married, I found out my partner had an affair whilst in a relationship with me. I was heartbroken as I thought I had found the perfect person to spend the rest of my life with and we were expecting our first child together. To make matters worse, he got engaged to her the weekend that we met. I then understood why I couldn't get along with my husbands parents, because I came in between their perfect to be daughter in law and their son.
My husband begged for my forgiveness and said it was a mistake he made and our child shouldn't have to pay for it. He told me he couldn't break it off with her because he didn't have the heart to break her heart and he was always in love with me. I decided to put my selfish needs aside and stay in the marriage for the sake of my child.
My husband decided to help his father with his business instead of looking for a new job. I supported him with this as I wanted him to be happy with whatever he was doing.
We relocated to Melb for a job opened he had and a chance to grow my husbands father business.
I started preparing for our move and found out I was pregnant again. This time instead of my husband being happy, he was very angry and upset at me. He decided that he didn't want the baby and wanted for me to get a termination. In the end, I didn't have a termination as I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Things then began to become really sour in our relationship. He no longer spoke to me nicely, didn't help me with raising our daughter and started putting me down. First it started off in small doses and then it got worse when he and my daughter got into a car accident on the drive down to Melbourne. I was in a different car and reached Melbourne before they did. My daughter was severely injured and stayed in hospital for 12 weeks with an acute brain injury. It's a miracle the Dr's said she survived and doesn't have permanent disabilities. During this time, my husband didn't feel any remorse and distanced himself from me and my daughter who was in hospital. He buried himself into work and hardly came into the hospital to see her. I let it go as everyone copes with grief in different ways. After my daughter was released from hospital, I tried to get us all into a routine. She had therapy specialists coming into the home everyday. i started doing more and more work helping with the business on top of cooking, cleaning, washing, deliveries ect as my husband said he won't ever do any of the housework or cooking.
I started nearing the end of my pregnancy and it was getting difficult for me to keep up with housework, cooking and looking after my 20 month old. She hardly slept so I hardly had any sleep and I started getting behind on my work helping my husband. It started by my husband telling me I need to be more active and pitch in more, I need to keep the house more clean, cook on time, do the packaging of order ect. It got worse when I asked him for help, he told me I'm being a princess and other women can work, study fulltime, run a business, look after their children and cook, clean, wash ect. He started getting angry at me for not cooking on time, throwing stuff around the house yelling and screaming at me. He even called my Dr and asked if I can have a termination as he doesn't want the baby.
I wasn't able to get out of the house as I was always so busy with the business and my daughter so through my whole pregnancy, I only made it to 4 Dr's appointments and I told my husband, I need to go to my final Dr's appointment and he got angry at me and threw our office chair at my stomach and then shouted at me that I'm making his life a living hell and I was the mistress in life he decided to marry.
Even when I has a c-section, as soon as they took me into the room, he order me to start replying back to company emails and just because I've given birth, it's no excuse to stop working. As soon as I got discharged from the hospital, he left for Sydney. My Mum flew down and helped me a week and when my husband got back, he told my mother to leave.
I'm now at a point where I've been in Melbourne for nearly a year. I have only get to leave the house for 1 hour a week with him and my children to do grocery shopping. All the rest of the time I'm at home with my children working and doing domestic duties. My husband won't buy me a pram because we don't have enough money he says as the business absorbs most of the money. The money I get from the government, goes towards paying for my house mortgage while he said he will never pay for so I'm left with nothing. I've told him I want to go back to work and he said that's fine and I have to pay 100% of the childcare fees. I was very angry and hurt as by the time I pay my mortgage and the childcare fees, I will have nothing left over.
I also found out a couple of weeks ago that my husband has signed up to a variety of dating website, visits his friends for social outings. Lies to me that he's in another state for business but is actually catching up with friends and having a great time. He's never taken us on any holidays, outing or even a day out as he always tells us we need to work and don't have the time to relax and go out on family trips. He doesn't even spend a single minute with any of my daughters, doesn't even huge or kiss them. Basically zero interactions with them.
I have told him, if he does not want me and my daughters to tell me and I will leave but he never says anything.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here. Is my husband doing all these things to get back at me for deciding to keep my second daughter?
Is his behaviour normal?
Am I being a princess by asking for help?
Is it normal for a father to not want anything to do with his children?
Please be kind with your responses and please don't tell me I need to leave the relationship as I'm trying to make this family work for the sake of my daughters.
11 Replies
Your husband is abusing you! This is not normal behaviour and your not being a princess. Nothing you have done or haven't done gives him the right to treat you this way, or behave this way. He is treating you like a slave, which he has absolutely Zero right to do. Unfortunately things won't improve if you stay and by staying you are teaching your girls this is normal (and it's not). You need to gather the strength to leave with your girls. Do this safely by ringing a domestic violence support group in your area. They will help you create a plan. Stay strong you clearly are a very resilient and capable person who deserves so very much better!
He sounds abusive and also controlling. He clearly is not happy but is too controlling to let you go. You also don't sound happy. This isn't what a marriage should be. Trust me there is happiness out there even been single. Sounds like you're doing everything on your own anyway. I think it's time to make appropriate steps at leaving but stay smart. You never know how men will react to these situations. If you leave and go back to work day care will be cheaper for you as a single mum. Perhaps go live with your mum mum for a while ?
Ohhh youre telling my story! The only thing is my husband sat me down and told me to my face what hed been doing and thinking the whole time. I have so much insight i can give you I dont even know where to start! I will come back later tonight and write when i have time to think & write. X
Ps ITS NOT YOU!!
Ok, this is quite fast & not written the best but I hope you can understand where Im coming from. heres my take; Im sorry to say i think when you met your husband he did not love you, he 'chose' you at a time when he had another girl & didnt really want to choose you. But now he feels like hes stuck with you no matter what he does, youll stay. So he treats you like crap because you stay & you put up with it. And at the same time he lies & makes you think its a real relationship, so you stay and put up with it.
Hes angry, he feels like life is unfair, in this situation that hes made with his lies and deceit, he feels trapped & resents you for that. And the more crap you put up with, the more he hates you for being everything he hates. And so the more he will abuse you. It will not get better, this pattern will only spiral down& get worse and worse.
Seriously, he wont even buy you a pram for your baby! Are you that much rubbish you dont even deserve a pram! Of course not! Stand up for yourself.
Its really, really hArd, i wAs where you are, treating it like a real relationship, compromising, giving & forgiving, & buying his bullshit. But it will never, ever work while you are doing that. Youre not in a real relationship. He will tAke and take and bleed you until youre empty. I know its not what you want to heAr, but You need to stand up for yourself & kick his ass out the door. Its twisted but its the only chance of a good relationship both of you. he will never ever respect you and change his attitude and feelings towards you until you show some pride, let him know you deserve better than him, that you can do better than him & will do better than him, & walk away. Only then will his little man ego actually want you again.
Meanwhile youre waiting for him to tell the truth and leave you, but he wont. Youre waiting for him to save this relationship but he wont. You're taking the fact that he's staying as a sign that over everything else, he's in it. Who'd waste their own life living a lie? A lie that making everyone miserable? all we can think is they stay so its love. He might be staying, But hes not trying. Hes not in it with you. he'll abuse you, make you miserable, be blatantly uncaring & wear you down. And he'll cheat.
Mine cheated right from the start. Kept the same one going by phone the whole time... Also picked up others along the way, looked up exes, & was actually getting worse with them in the 2 months when he (emotionally) abused me so badly it was the last time, ranting about how lazy i am, how much better every other woman is, everything i do wrong ( he also called me lazy and said i just like complaining at 37 weeks pregnant and working fulltime) having our child screaming, threatening to detroy the house. He also did those small kind of things you mention, let me carry the shopping hoem heavily pregnant, took my drink/ meal & let me get up to make another one etc. You need to see those things for what they are. Hes an asshole, he doesnt respect you, or even like you to do that to you.
But yes, he was picking up his cheating while our relationship was going to hell, until I called it enough, said I've had enough of you. Youre not changing, youre not getting better, youre getting worse if anything, ive had enough of you, im done. Well... Then the truth came out. I found out about the cheating, he said he never loved me. He never liked me. I was pregnant. I had his child. His idea of making it work wasnt making it work at all.
Interestingly though, after i kicked him out, he still wants to be with me. He wants this family. The shit way he was not making it work made it a relationship that just got worse and worse, until there was no saving it, but deep down he wants this he just had such the wrong attitude. He had this attitude like i was stuck on him & he couldnt shake me no matter what he did. The minute i walked he turned around. He tried his best & was a very different person. And he was actually trying, he didnt want the relationship we had before either, its like he got new eyes to see me with. Im not saying it was perfect though, i still foun he was the same person underneath. In councilling he would still say things I did that upset him, as if he didnt really get that the entire relationship full of abuse and cheating far outweighs what i did that upset him & even explains it away, but in his mind it was still even, i was wrong too.... But anyway his attitude was different, and if we ever had a decent shot at making it work, that is the only time.
Now. Im not saying your husband will do the same and still want to be with you if he gets a break, but i think so, unhappy as he is, hes not going anywhere is he?
But, thats all beside the point. The point is, that if you step back, you will get a different perspective, hopefully some truth, and some positive momentum. You really dont realise how bad it is until you get some freedom and it just feels good. It feels calm and serene and its nice. It reminds you how much you'd prefer to do it on your own than with that pain hanging on you every day. It will free you & give you strength. You might choose to stay separated, or if you go back with him it will be on your terms & healthhy.
I hope I haven't overstepped by assuming our husbands are the same, but the pieces fit so well. Im not sure i would have believed it about my husband before he looked me in the eye and said it but now looking back i was just so blind and it was obvious. Everything made sense. I hope, for your own sake, you can stand up for yourself, regardless Of whatever's going on with him. Best of luck, it is a hard road but if you choose to go through the storm there is definitely a rainbow at the end xx
My heart really breaks for you, I can see you are trying so hard, but in the end that may not be enough. He is abusing you in so many ways. Especially if he threw a chair at your pregnant stomach. You may need to be strong enough to see you and your kids deserve better and to put them ahead of your marriage. I wish you all the best xx
Definitely not normal and you don't deserve to be treated like this. He is emotionally abusing you, is this the kind of example you want to set for your daughter on what a healthy relationship is?
I know you didn't want people to tell you to leave, but honestly if it was me and my family I would not stick around to be treated like shit by someone who is apparently suppose to love me.
Hunny what are you still doing with this douchebag? Seriously?
There is nothing okay in this relationship. You can try to make it work until the cows come home but he is quite clearly not making the same effort. In the meantime he is emotionally and physically abusing you. Think about your girls - would you want them to think that this is the way to be treated? Would it break your heart to see them in this situation? Please, get some help, make him leave or leave yourself.
Lovely this is far from normal behavior. A real man, one who deserves you, would never treat you this way. This is abuse. You are in an abusive relationship...from now on, keep a diary and write down every horrible thing your husband does and make sure you date it...I think you know deep down that its time to take your precious girls and leave that man. Can you ask your parents to help you leave? Or do you have some close friends?
He is treating you with zero respect, and like a slave. a good father would help with his children and love them, and cuddle them and play with them. Not treat them like an inconvenience. Your daughters deserve better then to grow up thinking this is the normal way for a men to treat them.
None if this is your fault. But I think its time to put a plan in place to get help and leave. Give yourself and your daughters the loving life ypu deserve!
This behaviour is abnormal and abusive. Get out.
This behaviour tells me he has married that person he was engaged to and is living a double life. Hence having no money to spend on you and his kids. You need to get your kids and leave now. He most likely has had a child with the other woman too.