I emotional cheated on my wife via text message as a result we separated for 3 months. Fast forward 12 months and many counselling sessions we have made our marriage stronger.
One problem that exists is the guilt of what I did, I can't seem to get past it and I have been secretly seeing the counsellor to understand it. But sometimes I just want to walk away as everytime I look at my lovely wife it kills me.....
I'm hoping someone on here can can give me some advice.
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
7 Replies
It has only been 12 months. Guilt is actually a good emotion. It means you are human, have empathy and are going to do the right things from here on in.
Think about it logically now. How would walking away from your wife make her feel?? I think it would hurt her more than she was hurt already. The guilt should start to get a little less over time and your continue to see your counselor.
I think in this modern age we have forgotten that guilt, anger, hurt, sadness are not emotions to be afraid of. They are what makes us good people, that keep us on the straight and narrow. You will get through this, keep taking it one day at a time.
Is it possible you actual feel guilty that you're 'secretly' seeing a psychologist?
I apologize if I sound harsh, but you were dishonest and hurt your wife with your emotional affair. Now you're essentially lying to her by not telling her about your counselling appointments.
I find it amazing that you're both willing to work on your faults to make your relationship stronger. Too many people give up without a fight these days, and that's not what marriage is.
But you need to be honest for it to work out.
Why haven't you told her about your counselling appointment?
It's okay to feel guilt for doing something wrong. But when it starts to take over your life, you need to get help.
And keeping secrets from your significant other is never healthy.
Sit down and be honest with her.
Have you both had a conversation about what happened? Have you told her why (without making excuses for your self) you did what you did? Has she told you how she feels? Has she forgiven you, or is she still working on it?
Sit down and have a serious talk!
Tidy the house, put the kids to bed, pour a glass of wine for her, and tell her you want to talk about what you did.
Be calm. Let her get upset. Let her cry if she needs to. Let her tell you how she feels.
But you make sure you tell her how you feel, too.
You might be in the wrong, but your feelings are just as important. And you can't keep the relationship working without putting all the cards on the table.
Good luck. I hope for the best for you both. ?
(And excuse the mini essay :P )
Secrecy isn't going to help anything especially recovering after cheating.
Rule number one, transparency.
She'll be gutted she gave you a chance and once again is trying to work on this relationship while you're off doing you're own thing secretly. She really can't make a relationship work on her own, especially if she doesn't know where you're at and how you're feeling with everything.
I'm not saying don't see.the shrink, just let her know honestly how you feel, what you're thinking and that you're going.
Regarding your feelings of guilt, lots of things will come up for both of you for a long while, it'll swing one way then the next, what you have to do is be honest with each other, talk, and move through each phase together.
Your probably feeling guilty because she's forgiven you for something most women won't these day. Feeling guilty is a sign you've done something wrong but are truly sorry for your actions. However I'm not so sure you've learnt from your mistake yet as you are now hiding something from her, you need to tell her that your seeing a therapist and why the sooner the better, because if she finds out that you've been going for 6 months she'll start to wonder what else you are hiding and she may just not forgive you this time. You don't have to give word for word of what you've told the therapist, but be HONEST and answer any questions she may have
Please know what I write is not meant to be hurtful, but I'm sorry if it is I just think as someone who has experienced the other side( being emotionally cheated on) I need to try and share with you what could have saved what happened to my relationship.
Good on you for trying to make this work, and for really feeling for what you have done- to some it might not seem like it's okay but to me it shows you made a mistake, you are owning that mistake and your heart lies with your wife, and that's a big thing for beginning healing. I think you should write down what it makes you feel and let your wife read it, to really understand what lead to this and what lies within your heart she needs to know, she needs that comfort of being important and worthwhile. When you done this you took away a huge thing- trust and I'm sure you know that but when trust is broken in a relationship it breaks a foundation of yourself, your own ability to trust yourself, to trust your head and heart, to trust your decisions and most importantly to trust your rationale behind your choices. It makes you question the past, it makes you question your own value and it makes all you thought you know one big uncertainty. So please stop going behind her back, be honest in all you say and do for she can never feel secure if all cards aren't on the table. You need to not make it about you, it needs to be about both of you- for her to know completely and utterly that you are here for both of you so she can regain her ability to find comfort again. I know it sounds mean because it's hard for it not to be but you can't make this about you, she might find comfort in your guilt to begin with but if it continues to be only about that then it can lead to resentment because she might feel her feelings are less than. Please don't walk away, if she is willing to get through this you need to be there and get through this with her. You need to start acknowledging that your relationship will rise and fall like the sea but no matter what comes your way if she is your life raft and you hers calm waters will come again, you may never loose the guilt of what you have done but you might find it will be the constant reminder of what is really important in life- the love of your wife and her love In return. Good luck I hope you can move through this
My husband did this same thing with a girl he knew from work. When he confessed I wanted to throw him out, but we had a toddler and a small baby so I thought I should be more rational. Anyway, what our counselling uncovered was that he was feeling like an appendix to my life, just a pay packet and a housemate. No denying we had been in a real rough patch before the texting started, but what we've learnt is that we have to still make time for each other, still cuddle and hold each other daily and use the guilt and pain of that time to make us try harder.
Each time you feel the guilt stabbing you in the chest, look around and really SEE what you've got in your life. You'll never want to let it slip again.
From the perspective of someone who has been emotionally cheated on.
Be completely honest. The secret visits to the counsellor is a start. Share this with her.
If she has a question about what happened - answer it. Honestly. Be ready to hold her for as long as she needs it if she's upset.
Don't leave her. Be there for her. Let her know how important she is to you.
I think you should tell her how you feel. Apologise.
My partner told me he's sorry and he wished it never happened - most importantly he told me it was never going to happen again.
It's been a few years and I still have hard days but I love him.
You can do this and she deserves your effort.