My 16 yr old won't let me meet his friends and is very secretive about his life in general, I am afraid of losing him completely when he is old enough to move out. He is my first and all of this is new to me I have told him until he invites friends over to meet me he isn't allowed to visit them, am I being unreasonable? *EDIT* He is the first of 5 children and I suggested a 16 B'day party, Bonfire and all he still refused :( He has been to his mates even slept over a girls house (I haven't met any of them) He has met their parents but won't allow me to met any of his friends.........
My son blocks me from his life outside our family
My son blocks me from his life outside our family
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
5 Replies
My sil (17) was like this so my mil did the opposite she let her have a party, a few in fact let her invite her friends and let them stay the nite this way she was able to speak to her friends and get to know them. Sometimes as hard as it is we have to have faith in our children that we bought them up with the right morals and to know right from wrong and have faith our children will make the right choices. Coming from a person that their mother smothered me to the point I almost had to run away to get some space it's better to try and support them than Try and keep them forever close and have them
Rebel
I'm in two minds, he is 16 and unless you live in some strict religous community meeting all his friends at this age is probably unreasonable. By this age a lot of kids are getting themselves most places, have jobs and making decisions themselves about their future careers etc. They are going shopping for their own clothes. I think at this age unless there is some strong evidence that they are making some really bad choices you have to trust youve done your job and be there for them when they make some mistakes! Mistakes are a part of growing up. It's probably only a few years or one year to university or the job market so you need to show some trust and let him test his wings and trust that he will come to you with problems.
I think at this age it needs to be more about trust. Let him invite his friends around for a boys night with pizza and video games (or whatever they're into), let him go to his friends places within reason (if he was wanting to go over every night for example, I wouldn't agree with that), set the boundaries. Sit down with him and let HIM tell you what he thinks are reasonable boundaries (e.g. bedtimes, how often he can go over, what he does after school etc) and then if you don't agree work on a compromise.
I know when I was a teenager, when my parents set rules that I didn't like or agree with I would rebel and I don't think they still know to this day the extent of that. It's because they didn't place any trust in me and they didn't talk to me. They just said this is what it is, deal with it. I'm hoping I'll learn from their mistakes.
Good luck :)
He is 16 and barring him from visiting his friends will limit his social circle.
I was and still am secretive and it's largely due to my mother interferring in my personal life and making decisions for me based on her needs and not mine.
Maybe he feels like you're judging him, dont trust his judgement or he feels like he should have some privacy?
If my mother told me that I can't have friends (which she did) unless she met them, I would become more secretive and less includined in devulging any information period.
Parents make mistakes. Unless you have reason to be worried (drinking, drugs, pregnancy, violence, grade slip etc) give him space. He might just be comfortable enough to expose his friends to you.
I definitely think you need to avoid ultimatums with your son - anything that forces him to choose between them and you. His secretiveness speaks of a peer-orientated child and if you try to control him here, he will likely pull defiantly away. His attachment is greater to those friends and the polarising nature of attachment makes you the enemy if you try to force him to choose. That said, I would highly recommen you read "Hold on to your kids" by Dr Gordon Neufeld. It is never too late to improve your relationship with your child - though you need to do it through a process of careful, persistent, respectful 'wooing' and winning him back, not through ultimatums or groundings. (Groundings only work if you have the time and determination to spend that grounding time reconnecting with your child in a one on one way.) Peer-orientation is a serious problem in our post Second World War culture, and is a new phenomenon not a natural one, however we have become some accustomed to it (and our highly consumer based society places exponentially more value on the perpetuation of youth culture vs the natural, normal heirarchical culture pivotal to healthy traditional cultures) and so most people think it is 'normal' for their teens to become secretive, devious, uncommunicative, disobedient and with strong counter will. Not at all. Read the book of you can - it may help you avoid the pitfalls of peer orientation for future children.