I have a very rambunctious 17 month old little boy whom I am at my wits end with and I don't know what to do! He is a bully he beats me up, he beats his sister (6 months old) but he beats the cats up worse of all. He thinks it's a game, he chases the cats, kicks then, punches them, pulls their tails etc. We have a kitten as well who he is almost obsessive about picking him up but but he does it rough, pick him up by the whiskers, tail, back legs and we have had to take the cat to the vet because he is anxious, scared and traumatised so we are now looking to rehome him. He is fine with the dogs as the dogs are bigger then the cats. I think he does it to get a noise out of the cats as he walks around saying "kitty and meow"
He also is very observant and has figured out how to unlock all the child locks in the house, we have tried every child lock that ever was invented and give it a week and he has worked it out. Both my husband and I work full time and are absolutely exhausted by the end of the day and have lost our temper at him probably a bit too much. But it's hard when you are trying to discipline a child and they laugh in your face and continue doing what they were getting told off for. Or you smack him (sometimes they are pretty hard) he will cry for a bit and then keep going back over and over again. My mornings before work mainly consist of yelling at him. Time outs don't work as he doesn't understand that he is in trouble and has to sit in one spot for a period of time. Recently it has just been tantrum after tantrum if I he is pestering a cat, I pick him up to direct him to somewhere else and he just throws a fit. I try to explain everything that I am doing, I show him how to treat his sister, his mum and dad and the pets. I tell him to be gentle. But he just doesn't get it, the cats have scratched him so many times and he just doesn't care, he thinks it's funny and will go back for more. What can I do?? He is my first child and I have no idea.
4 Replies
Ok lots of kids go through this. Firstly to a lot if kids ANY attention or reaction is a good to them. Most kids do grow out of this. Time outs, smacks etc don't work well for these types of kids. What works is keeping the child engaged and giving huge amounts of attention while doing the RIGHT thing. So one of the adults engaging with him in an activity, the more you do this the less opportunity and less desire to seek attention and reactions in the wrong way!
Have a few structured easy activities with him. He sounds like he is just looking for attention and with a baby sister, mum and dad working full time, and being at a very difficult stage in his development he will act out. So while home on weekends or days off have some time with him doing something constructive and praise all his good behaviour.
I'm going to be brutally honest, not to be mean, but because it may help. I don't know you, I don't know your son so I'm just going off what you have said.
I have a child with a disability that has resulted in behavioral issues from toddler times. I don't however think that your child has issues. It sounds to me as though he is misunderstood, craving attention and bored.
You say that you yell at your son every morning and that you lose your temper at night. I want you to ask yourself what your son gets every time he mucks up??? Attention! Undoing locks, I imagine you run to close things. Hitting the cat you intervene. His sister? The same. He's naughty and you yell.
I think he is looking for a connection. Good attention and bad attention is not really something he can understand. It's possible that because of the daily yelling that he just doesn't get that it's not a good thing... It's more like 'hey, mummy's paying attention to me.' I hope I've explained that adequately.
Imagine too just how big you are to him. Crouch down and imagine someone four times your size yelling at you. Scary much? You are huge to him. Some of it may also be out of frustration and anxiety for all the yelling and tension. He needs you to lead the way and change that.
If this is the case there are ways to stop it. I have a 21 month old and when I yell, she knows it's something dangerous or really bad and she stops immediately. If I yelled all the time it wouldn't mean much, it would lose its affect.
Try getting on the floor and playing with him. Not what you want to do, but what he wants. Let him lead. Roll a ball. Play play dough. Get outside with a paintbrush and a bucket of water and let him paint the concrete. Blow bubbles and let him catch them. Praise him constantly. Get him to crave the 'good' attention. Go for a week without yelling unless he tries to touch the stove or something dangerous. He gets cranky? Sing him a nursery rhyme. Distract him from what he is doing. Let him see the most important person in his world has time for him and it can be fun. Your 6 month old will probably be entertained watching the two of you.
If he is figuring out the locks it means he is smart. Nurture that. Give him puzzles. Teach him actions to nursery rhymes. Talk to him about everything in the house. Engage with him. Get that thinking part of his brain working in positive ways.
Take some time out for yourself where possible so you can have the energy to be kind and positive and nurturing.
If you want him to be gentle, show him gentle, show him patience and understanding. You aren't a bad mum, but the cycle you're all in won't lead to good places. You can be the change you want to see.
Someone suggested parenting courses. A great one would be Circle of Security. I think it would help you to understand that there is no intent on his part to annoy the hell out of you, he simply wants time. Most of which it sounds like he gets now by being naughty.
You might think I don't know what I'm talking about and there's not enough time but believe me I do. I am married, older child with disability and 21 month old. Plus I study full time and work. No matter how tired, or how hard it is to start with, imagine a peaceful house, a happy house, with giggle of your beautiful children. It's worth the investment now. If things don't change then the environment and yelling is likely to affect both of your children's emotional development and you could have much bigger problems to deal with down the track.
Best of luck IM.
I second the above post about playing and getting on the floor with the kids, it makes a difference. Also remember you are the parent not he child. Our kids get told that a lot, our 2 year old just smiles and doesn't even seem to understand what he's done wrong when he's in trouble. He gets sent to his room with the door shut (you might need to hold it at first for a min or two max) when he's done something if it warrants it (pick your battles) Now we mostly only have to say "do you want to go to your room?" And he will stop the behaviour. Not always. We then go in after a min or two and talk to him about why he got sent there