So my boyfriend of 9 years and I, have 2 children together. For quite some time, I wanted another baby, I just felt like I wasn't finished having kids. So after over a year of discussions, he finally agreeded and here I am pregnant with baby no 3. I'm sooooo excited!! But, he says he's happy and excited but ever since I told him I'm pregnant, he's been completely stressing and getting upset about money and how we are going to afford it. I haven't really worked since my first child was born 7 years ago. He takes our money worries out on me saying its because I don't work, but then says he doesn't want me to work as he wants me to be at home with the kids. He earns a decent amount and I do have a very casual job and get just under $200 a week so I contribute when ever I can! But he says he's sick of paying all the bills. I NEVER buy myself anything and my money goes to the kids or the household!! We dont share money or bank accounts and when hes got spare money he buys what ever he wants and if i want something i have to ask him for money then justify why i want it. I feel like it's my fault now and having another baby was the wrong decision even know I'm so very happy and excited about it! I feel like it is too unfair!
3 Replies
I think this pregnancy has uncovered some underlying issues in your relationship.
I'm not big on labels but because you call him your boyfriend it makes me wonder if this is a permanent relationship, I might be reading too much into the label you used.
The fact that you both have separate money is also worrying to me. You should both understand your financial position as a couple and both be making the financial decisions for the family together.
It might be time to start talking about what you both want financially, how your family should operate, what needs to be budgeted for clothing, shoes, haircuts, food, power for the entire family.
After this baby arrives I'd starting thinking about my own personal financial security and wether your financial interests are being met.
Honestly I know this isn't helpful but I don't think you should have had another baby, it sounds like he really didn't want another one and only agreed to make you happy. So from now on he will probably resent you even just a little bit. Now please understand I am trying to come from a helpful place here I am no way bashing you! I think it's totally normal to want to have another baby, and you have every right to feel upset that he takes money issues out on you then goes and buys himself whatever he wants. So not okay. Sounds like you guys really got to sit down and come to an agreement and this is where therapy may come in helpful. As much as he could say he didn't want a 3rd at the end of the day he agreed to it and it is his child and you shouldn't have to suffer with having nothing because of this. Perhaps you need to think about going back to work after this baby, whether you get a nanny or you put them in day care or you do something at home or you do something out of hours while hubby is home with kids I don't know but I can't stress how much freedom it will bring you. Sounds like he doesn't see you as an equal and unless he changes how he views you (which is doubtful to happen and you can't usually change how someone else thinks you can only change yourself). That way any extra income you may you should be able to decide how it's spent and if that means something for yourself then so be it!
i think you need to sit down and budget with him. tell him, you can use clothing from the last 2 children etc
reassure him you are running a money concious household.
perhaps before or after you have this baby, take more hours at work.
he obviously is feeling the pressure, i would sit down and have an open discussion now before things get worse.
i would absolutely consider your own financial security, and find out where you stand if you end up alone with 3 children.