Mental illness ruling my life. Trigger for sexual abuse.

Hi IMs, this may be long. Please bear with me. I am happily married with children and pets that I cherish and love with all of my being. I have a problem though. I suffer greatly from mental illness. PTSD, anxiety and depression.

I'm at the point now where I rarely leave my bed. I'm dizzy whenever I stand up or do anything. Always lightheaded and fatigued. I don't sleep, or all I do is sleep. I shower maybe once a week, I cut all my hair off so I no longer felt bad about not brushing it or washing it. The housework is suffering, it's a massive effort to cook dinner, I've gained 40 kilos in a year. My family has an absent mother and wife.

I was on antidepressants but I kept forgetting to take them despite alarms being set and after a while I realised it had been a month. I'm finding it hard to see a psych or counsellor. I've had a few bad experiences which make me wary and I can't relax. One psych acted very inappropriately with me, touching me and talking about how I liked sex and what I used to do. Another one I was beginning to relax with asked how I was and I explained how tough things had been and I had yelled at my kids for no reason other than the fact I snapped and they were there. I felt horrible and walked away and then came back and apologised to them. Mental illness is not a taboo subject in our family, but it's still not fair on them. Anyway, my psych stopped me and told me that if I continued she would have to report me to child safety. I broke down. I already felt the worst and now I was being threatened with child safety. I never went back and have found it even harder to feel safe talking to another since.

When I was a child I was groomed by my stepfather to be his wife, my mother knew and let it happen. This went on for 17 years before I gathered up the courage to leave. I was a young adult by this time and I had been suffering from undiagnosed depression and anxiety for a few years before then. I went through a stage of putting myself in situations when I was a teen where I would act out sexually just to feel wanted, all the time making me feel even more hate to myself and in a lot of situations I would end up in a situation I could no longer control and I would be raped. I ended up pregnant.

I was diagnosed with PTSD. Social anxiety and depression. Since I left that world behind I met my hubby, got married had more kids. Got happy. But I'm still plagued. I have good moments and then really bad moments. I've lost count of the times I've attempted suicide. I don't want to die but sometimes that thought never leaves. I've contacted the police and bravehearts over and over. Nothings been done. I've contacted various places for help, tried to get a spot with therapy groups or specialised services but I'm never a good fit. I'm too much for what they can support. But on the outside no one can really guess how bad things are. I just look lazy spending all day in bed instead of housework. I don't cry at the drop of a hat. I still laugh. When it comes to showering or getting back into exercise I'm told to just do it. And I know this, but it's so physically and mentally painful. I can't work but can't get benefits because I'm not mentally ill enough? I have nervous breakdowns a couple months into any job. My husband supports me, but he's getting sick of coming home to chaos and I'm always feeling sick. It's not a life.

I've been stuck in my latest hole for nearly 2 years. I'm fighting to get out but it's so hard and so slow going. I don't know what to do. Ive lost friends, people tell me I need to get a hobby but I already draw, paint, write, sew, embroider, upcycle...I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I don't want any sympathy. Maybe I just want to know that I'm not alone. I hope the turning point is just up ahead. I really do.