Please do not judge or have harsh words.. really struggling at the moment.
I have been in a secret relationship with my boss for 2.5years, he is the absolute love of my life in ways I never knew existed and together we just work. I know he feels the same way about me, he is 24 years older than me and everything with us is like nothing he has ever experienced before either... so the problem is he is still with the mother of his youngest child. They were legally separated but still living in the same house, he tried to leave multiple times and every time she would go crazy and threaten him with leaving with his child and guilt him into so many things. Even before our relationship started he would say to me and everyone we know how unhappy he was and how he was working on leaving her. She always suspected there was something going on between us and 5 weeks ago she hacked into his emails and found all our communications and he was finally forced to make a decision.. for which he chose to stay. This has devastated me beyond belief and I still have to face him every day.. he told me he is still in love with me and thinks he made the wrong choice but now feels he is committed to the one he made. To make matters worse I recently had a miscarriage... i lost our baby and I am not coping with that at all. I am so completely lost and heartbroken and I have nobody to support me during this time. This man is the love of my life and I feel like I am losing this battle. Has anybody been in a similar situation and can help?
Lost and Broken
Lost and Broken
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health
17 Replies
Sorry but he was never going to leave, he found a way to cope and stay with his family ( you on the side). He wasn't going to leave, he chose not to leave, and now he's still trying to get you to stay his thing on the side again. He doesn't love you ENOUGH and won't give you what you need in a relationship. Move on he'll waste your whole life and never choose you. Don't you feel you deserve a man to be YOUR partner, to plan your future, build together, be together, support you in these times.
I agree with this. He was never going to leave, and if he did want to, and didn't it is because he is pretty spineless. I'm sorry this was never going to work. Yes it is all going to hurt and you are going to be in pain. I'd be looking for a new job and getting as far away as I can as soon as I can. Perhaps some counseling is a good idea.
It was his time to choose and he left you hanging ..... You deserve to be put first and this was never going to happen neither for yourself or for the child you lost ... As hard and sad and draining as it is for you now it will get better. I have been in a similar relationship but no kids involved. The intenseness of the realationship is based on the fact that it's not a real rational realationship its hidden and insanely intimate while your together like you are in your own bubble. Not open honest and dealing with everyday life and other people. Please move on and allow yourself to heal and grow and become confident. Feeling for you much love and healing sent towards you
I dont mean to be rude or nasty but as a child from a broken family because of infidelity I can say you are being really selfish, just as he is. My dad was the company owner and had affairs with other women while married and made up lies about my mother, which is probably what this man is doing. He has made hos choice and it wasn't you. Time you go find a man who is actually available.
Honey, you are not alone. You do have people to talk to. Friends don't judge & family love unconditionally.
Don't keep it all in, find someone to talk to. Someone who knows you and all you've been through.
Sending hugs and kisses your way.
he chose her , he will never leave her he wants his cake and to eat it to. Change jobs and find someone who is worthy of all your love
he chose her , he will never leave her he wants his cake and to eat it to. Change jobs and find someone who is worthy of all your love
What pisses me off about all the comments, is that they are judging this poster on the few sentences she has written above. It's 2.5 years condensed into a few words, it's impossible to gather all the relevant information to give an opinion.
My questions to you IM.
Did you ever commit yourself to him and tell him that you want a full life together? If you had, he may have left his wife know ages ago or gave you the answer sooner.
Does he know about the baby and loss (I am so sorry for your loss, no one should ever have to go through that). Was it planned or unplanned what was his reaction like? If it was planned then surely he would have known and would be telling his ex. If you didn't lose it did you have plans to be together and raise the baby in your house?
Was he still sleeping with his ex/wife? If he wasn't, then is it cheating?
If he was separated, then why was it secret? Was it secret from work (understandable) or was it secret because of the ex/wife?
Only you know your situation and can answer these truthfully.
What I think, and it's not necessarily right. But, I have had feelings for someone while in a loveless relationship and multiple miscarriages. You need to be happy with your life first. If you take this man and situation out of your life, are you still happy? If your not, you need to work on that first. Give this all time to heal then assess it later down the track. As far as work goes, out of sight out of mind. Don't necessarily quit, but get leave for a while till you can face him. Ending a relationship is hard, losing a baby is hard, having them both happen at the same time is unimaginable. Work on yourself first honey and try see the bigger picture from all parties point of views. Sometimes trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes can really shine light on a situation.
I wish you all the best
Take ur miscarriage as a blessing.. He deserves to get out of your life, heart and mind forever!
A miscarriage is never a blessing regardless of the situation. What if this woman or someone reading this struggles with infertility. This woman could be at a point in her life where this man was her only option and last chance to start a family of her own so she was hanging on as long as she could only to lose it and have someone like you say the loss of a life is a blessing. Grow up.
Sweetie I really feel for you. I have been the "other woman" for 10 years (to a man that is 12 years older). I love him in a way I never loved my husband, as he loves me like he never did his wife. I have just ended this "relationship" because at 33 years old, I have finally woken up to how wrong this is. I still love him, and think I always will, but at the end of the day, he has made a vow to his wife and I need to respect that. The fact that you are in love means nothing. He has made the choice where his loyalties lie. It is with his wife not you. Wake up, and get out now. Get a new job, have a few one night stands, realise that you are worth a man that wants to be with you - In Public, and wants to show you off like a princess. Do you want to be me - a bit on the side in 8 years time from now?? If he hasn't left her yet, he's never going to, no matter what he says and how he tries to sweet talk you. Wishing you strength to leave and so much love xxx
Take ur miscarriage as a blessing.. He deserves to get out of your life, heart and mind forever!
Take ur miscarriage as a blessing.. He deserves to get out of your life, heart and mind forever!
Sweetie I really feel for you. I have been the "other woman" for 10 years (to a man that is 12 years older). I love him in a way I never loved my husband, as he loves me like he never did his wife. I have just ended this "relationship" because at 33 years old, I have finally woken up to how wrong this is. I still love him, and think I always will, but at the end of the day, he has made a vow to his wife and I need to respect that. The fact that you are in love means nothing. He has made the choice where his loyalties lie. It is with his wife not you. Wake up, and get out now. Get a new job, have a few one night stands, realise that you are worth a man that wants to be with you - In Public, and wants to show you off like a princess. Do you want to be me - a bit on the side in 8 years time from now?? If he hasn't left her yet, he's never going to, no matter what he says and how he tries to sweet talk you. Wishing you strength to leave and so much love xxx
He probably lied about trying to leave and she was threatening him.. because he didnt want to leave her. Sounds to me like he just used you for sex. If he wanted to leave he would leave he obviously loves her.
I have been in a similar situation. Matters of the heart are never black and white. I remember it as unbearably painful and feeling like my heart was always red raw and hurting. It was truly awful, so I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I had met this guy and he was everything I had ever wanted in a man. Fantastic personality, gentle, kind, intelligent, great job... we were perfect together - we had even been stopped by strangers to say we're good together. I remember the highs and the rush of love as I fell so hard for him.
I started working with him as well. We spent hours and hours together each week.
... Then I found out he was married. My heart was already so invested I couldn't tear myself away. I also had a miscarriage and we were devastated.
However it was so tumultuous and the highs weren't worth the lows. It was like selling my soul and it still hurts to talk about to this day because I know that part of each of us will always be connected to each other. We had a crazy love.
I realised he couldn't leave his wife, and that a relationship shouldn't start on my wanting him to. It should start fresh with building a foundation of trust. I realised that I couldn't be the other woman, or do that to another woman. I realised that it was affecting my mental health - turning me into a secretive person, living a life I wasn't proud of and letting me sit in dissapointment on a daily basis. I realised I needed more.
It sounds like yours was forced in to making a decision when she confronted him, and he wasn't able to leave. Don't hang around waiting, I've been there - it's too painful and you're worth more than that.
Sometimes love just isn't enough.
Finally, some helpful advice. So well said, and I think you two should have a proper catch up if you are brave enough.
To the OP. I am ashamed of all the judgement on facebook, you deserve better. Obviously everyone who comments on there thinks they are 'perfect' but they aren't. I have been cheated on, cheated with but I myself have never cheated, and my heart breaks to read your story and what you are going through. I bet he promised you the world, but it was never the right time, so of course you waited around for so long. You shouldn't be punished for that. I hope you can find happiness at the end of all this. Be brave and do what's best for you.