i really have no idea what to do. I'm so lost. My husband and I have been together for 8years married for almost 4. We struggled for a lot of years for full custody and then my adoption of his son, who is now almost 9, we have a daughter who is almost 2. My husband recently changed jobs, but our problems have been on going for about a year.
He's never been good at talking. If I try and talk to him, he shuts right down. Even with the littlest things. He allows things to bottle up, then it comes out in anger. Recently I started not talking to him about things because we get no where so I started trying to sort it out by myself. Our marital problems just got worse. We no longer spend time, talk at all. Barely. I think we are growing apart. But I'm so scared to lose him.
In one conversation I asked him if he actually loved me or was he just scared to be alone, and he couldn't answer me. I love him whole heartily, but he's becoming more and more angry and more hurtful when we are talking, he never shows me he loves me anymore. He used to be sweet and by me things "just because" and now he's asking me if I am in love with my best friend (a woman, I am pansexual) because he thinks that I talk to her more than j should (we talk every day she lives interstate) or other people any people. I asked him if he wants to be together and he says yes.
I try talking, asking if he wants to talk, if we should go to counselling, he always says no that it's all "my issues" because of my (medicated) depression and anxiety.
Are we growing apart or is it all "my issues"?
3 Replies
My husband keeps to himself for the most part.
I find it easier to email issues than to bring them up face to face, I get to consider what I'm saying read it 3 times and make sure that's exactly what I want to say, because after something is said you can't take it back.
Instead of counselling maybe consider contacting relationships Australia who do group courses. It's not counselling it's learning to find time for each other ect.
Part of keeping my marriage healthy (hasn't always been) is finding time for my husband and sending him random messages telling him how much I love him through the day, it lifts his spirits & makes his day to get a message.
When we first started marriage dating each other I was so lost I couldn't think of anything to say. We sat at a quiet table and ate, I pointed out to him that it was so awkward between us sitting in a restaurant eating without the distraction of our children.
It was our point of realisation that we had lost ourselves so there for lost each other.
As much as I want to be shown love & feel wanted, I had to remember he is the other part of the relationship & I had to make an effort to make him feel loved and wanted too.
I understand the best friend thing as I talk to mine daily and she is at the other end of the state. However I am sure not to let me talking to her intrude on my relationship by making sure that when we are chatting his out or at work (he works away).
I hope it helps somewhat.
I'm not saying our issues are the same, but I know I didn't think about him wanting to feel loved also, maybe the anger could be his out cry (as men do bottle their feelings, not that it makes it okay).
Well... Even if it is your issues id expect him to want to participate in healing your relationship. I wonder if he really even realises how unhappy you are about the lack of communication. A lot of men dont 'do' counselling though. Id suggest you going alone, i found them really helpful at working through & helping you clarify whats really going on & what you want.
I feel your pain it sucks being in a relationship with no communication it's very lonely, my partner works long hours and when he's home he's too tired to talk, I feel like he's just the breadwinner and I raise the kids, can't offer any advice but just sucks how the love fizzles out as the years go on I miss the whole excitement and feeling wanted and yes it takes two to tango good luck