I strongly believe I am suffering from PTSD that has gotten worse over the years. I have a beautiful son and partner but lately I feel I have been more depressed and showing more signs of PTSD.
The reason for this is I was sexually abuse as a very young child up until my early teens. This happened over 100 times over a period of about 8 years and at the time I just accepted this was my life and never told anyone. It only happened while I was asleep and it was at the hands of my mothers partner. It has been 10 years since the last incident and my mum has known for 3 years, at first she abused me and called me a liar, now she believes me but treats it like its nothing. She only recently separated from her partner and up until that point he would always visit and be around my family and everyone always acted like it never happened.
My partner found out a couple months ago and was very supportive of me. However I now have recurring nightmares of the incidents and someone when I am in a dark room being intimate with my partner I feel like I am re living my past and it's not him I am in bed with. I have lost my sex drive with him which was once very abundant and it is effecting us and he can't help but take it personally when I reject him and start crying. Even some liquor smells almost send me into a panic attack.
My question is, where do I find help? I am so scared and embarrassed to talk about it to anyone because my extended family all know and have cut me out of their lives, no one has ever asked how I am doing or cared how this has effected me. How do I forget this and stop thinking of it everyday? It been 10 years and it is only getting worse now. What do I do?? How do I save myself before my depression Spins out of control? I have been on anti depressants for 6 years and nothing has helped
5 Replies
Oh that's horrible! No one should ever have to experience what you've been through!
I've no experience with this but firstly see your doctor and tell them what you told us. If they can't give you a referral for someone helpful then hopefully some of the other IMs can point you in the right direction. *Hugs*
Big hugs for you I.M! You have been through so much. Please dont be scared and embarrassed about this. I have not been through the same experience as you, but I am a Social Worker and work with women who have experienced abuse as children. To move forwards with your life, you need to talk to a counsellor about your experiences and go to someone who you can trust totally. If you dont like the first counsellor, try another one until you feel comfortable. Once you start to open up about the abuse, it will help you to start to deal with it. It might also be good for your partner to also go to some sessions with you, to support you and so that he has some insight into what you are going through and how he can best support you. I think its completely normal for you not to have a sex drive and this may take time to come back, but if your partner has insight into how the abuse has affected you, he should be understanding of this. Antidepressants wont actually help you move forward, they are good at helping people to function at some level but dont address the underlying issues. Maybe if you go to your GP as a first step and then they can refer you to a counsellor or even a women's health service if you are more comfortable talking with a female about your issues. Its great that you are reaching out though for help, thats a big step, take care and all the best in accessing support.
I'm so sorry you went through so much. I was in the same situation as you only it was my father for all of my childhood and until my mid teens. I never told anyone. I thought I was doing fine until my first daughter was born and I spiralled into nightmares and depression. Go to your GP or woman's health centre and get a referral to an abuse counsellor. You won't ever forget but you can learn to deal with it. Without the support and love of my husband I wouldn't have coped at all. Lean on the people who love you and divorce yourself from the negative people in your life. You will have bad days, I still do and it's more than 30 years ago but they get less. Most of all remember it's not your fault and you are worth the best in life. Good luck.
You can try community health centres. Ask for someone called a sexual assault worker, the one my daughter sees costs nothing. There is also contact numbers at rape crisis centres. Also you can try seeing a gp who can write a mental health plan for a psychologist and you will get a certain amount of visits for free.
Don't be embarrassed. Unfortunately this kind of thing does happen and believe me, you will find that they have heard it all before. They are trained professionals who understand this situation (from a professional viewpoint) and will know how to help.
First don't be embarassed and don't feel ashamed, if your family know and have turned their backs then you are better off without them. Talk to your GP, they have dealt with this before and if you're not on a mental health plan ask for one. That will put you in touch with a Psychologist for a few free visits. Use them all and use them well. Get everything of your chest and throw yourself into the strategies they will give you for coping. It is 100% possible to get past this. Don't be fooled, you'll never get over it and you'll never forget but happiness is possible and the happier you are the less you'll think about it because everything else is so awesome. The only thing I found that I dwell on regularly is my lack of family, then I remind myself why and get back to being awesome again. Just remember no-one is happy all of the time, it's ok to be sad sometimes you need to learn the skills to pull yourself out of it though. If I can do this, you can do this too. The fact you have the support of your partner reinforces that!