Hello ladies,
This one is gonna be a long mixed up hard one but I need to get it off my chest...
My relationship with my Mum has for the fifth time since adulthood gone down the drain,
I grew up the youngest of 5, three girls two boys, my brothers could never do any wrong in my mums eyes. However my sisters and I were always in trouble, always bad & could never make her proud. Both of my sisters have their own experiences with her growing up, she used to beat them often in front of us, embarrass them and hurt them emotionally. I was witness to this as a child as my sisters were 9 & 10 years older then me, as I grew up and my sisters moved out ( 1 moved countries to get away from her & the other became a escort who we didn't see until she turned up on our doorstep one night with a baby in tow but that is another story) she started to be nasty to me, lie about me to my dad to make him angry at me, tell me im a failure etc etc... At 15 my parents divorced and my mum ran away with the man she cheated on my dad with and is now married too. I stayed with my dad till 17 and then moved out. I maintained a great relationship with my dad and his new wife and are even closer now he has spent years apologizing for how my mother brought us up.
From 17 to 27 I have heard from my mother a lot she'll be perfect for a few weeks and then find a way to hurt me & then I cut her away then she weasels her way back in... And then the cycle begins again. I'm now 27 married with two children, one being a daughter who I could never ever treat like my mum has treated me.
She didn't come to my wedding, she's never meet my daughter, she hates my husband because he reminds her of my father (another thing I fail at) when she didn't turn up at my wedding in August that was the last straw...
A month later and I'm wondering I doing the right thing by cutting her away for good this time? She is so toxic and evil I don't want her near my kids or me... Am I overreacting?? What if she dies is all that plays in my head.. I know I love her more then she loves me but I can't keep doing this..
Please help, what do I do now??
9 Replies
no you are not over reacting, you did the right thing. It's time to get some counseling though and learn about how abusive relationships work (yes it is an abusive relationship so the abuse cycle/codependence all applies). Learn about it, poor your heart out, it is time to set yourself free from this woman once and for all.
I always thought it felt like an abusive relationship, I'm always going back for more... Not anymore... I will be strong this time.
You are doing the right thing she has her own issues going on which she is big and ugly enough to deal with.
Could you set boundaries? For example she can only call on your birthday and at christmas? Or that certain topics are off limits (like her opinion of your husband)
I can see you love her, and while i support cutting her off , it is obviously hurting you as well. So boundaries (set by you) are good as you are not cutting her out completely but you are in control of the relationship.
If she wants to still be in your life she will agree to boundaries. Goodluck down this hard road.
I read about the first 5 lines and thought narcissist. Not that it really matters. She doesnt deserve to be in your life. You've done the right thing
I have a similar story, I am nearly 40 and I finally stopped the cycle 4 years ago. I have 6 kids. The last straw for me was when she started doing the same to my kids. The problem with my 'mother' is she is sneaky, she wouldn't do anything where others would see, it was always one on one and then she would be nice as pie in front of everyone else. She is also very manipulative. When I cut ties with her for the sake of my kids, my siblings and father all blamed me. They all believed the crap she told them. It has taken 4 years for me to try and repair the damage she caused my husband, kids and I. And it has only been the last six months where I have spoken to my siblings. As much as it has all hurt, cutting her out was the best thing I have ever done!
Don't wait for as long as I did, my kids are still coming to me with things she has said to them, one suffered anxiety from her crap.
Sadly you're story is very similar to mine with my mother. I can't answer it :( but keep chin up
Life is too short to spend it with people that make you feel worthless.
Just because she is your mum doesn't mean she deserves to have a relationship with you.
Cut her out.
I have a mum who is just like yours and a sister, 10 years older than me, who is exactly like my mum and caused me terrible pain my whole life. My mum is a whole other story but i Eventually cut my sister out of my life. She was toxic and hurtful and i knew she'd never change. It wasn't easy and i cried many tears for the sister i wanted and the one I'd never get.
And to shed some light on your "what if she (your mum) dies" question- my sister did die. About 2.5 years ago.
Of course it was sad, no one wants to bury family but you know what, i barely cried. I'd already resigned myself to a life without her in it. I'd already mourned the end of our relationship, her death just cemented it.
And with her death, a weight was lifted- she'd never weasel her way back into my life and she'd never hurt me again. Finally I could just try to remember the (few) good memories without more awful ones added the already huge pile of awful memories.
Just my experience.