At a loss

Sorry - long story.

Three months ago my husband and I separated after a long time of feeling like our spark had gone, that we had lost what we once had. I asked several times would he go to counselling, he didn’t want to. I made so many attempts to get our marriage back on track, date nights, time away, quality time and even a big romantic holiday together. He always came back and said it was due to my actions and behaviour that we weren’t happy. I had a male co-worker friend that I became very close to, my husband knew about him and over the years became controlling and manipulative toward me and also my friendship. He made certain rules about the friendship and would change these rules whenever he wanted or when it suited him. As time went on, it pushed me and my friend together rather than pulling us apart and I found it as a coping mechanism to get through my marriage problems. We never stepped over the line and purely remained friends. I do accept that the marriage breakdown was not just my husbands fault and it wasn’t just me, it is what it is. He mostly blames me and although I was honest over 6 months ago about how I’d lost my love for him – I wasn’t in love with him anymore, even on the day he left, he said he was still in love with me. I felt terrible; I never wanted to hurt him.

Fast forward now, my problem is my husband and I have 2 children together, he decided he would move interstate, he is 6.5hrs drive away. He maintains minimal contact with his children but we decided upon 3 nights a week that he would call. Up until last Friday, I have always had to call him for the children to speak to him. One night it completely slipped my mind – long weekend and was out of routine, he messaged me at 8pm, knowing their bedtime is 7.30 and asked why they didn’t call. I explained I completely forgot, but he did not try to call at the usual time nor text til 3 hours later, why am I the one that has to make the effort here every time? Originally I tried to talk him into not moving that we could do a shared parenting situation, well he left anyway, I was hoping he would see reason I even asked his family to talk to him and make him see reason, that his children need a father, that they need him, I thought he would see he was making a mistake and return to be a part of his children’s life. He hasn’t. He has no intention to.

Recently things have got very ugly, he refuses to communicate with me at all, he will not return any email or text and has called once to speak to the children – I let him. He has not spoken or responded to anything I have asked since. He is supposed to have the children for part of the school holidays, he sees that 1 week every school holidays and phone calls makes him enough of a father to them, but now after so much has happened, nasty words said (both ends), and me feeling that he has changed so drastically from the man I once knew - he is already seeing another woman and wants to introduce her to our children, he has known her all of 5 minutes, and I am not comfortable with this. However the children have met my co-worker friend, but I have known him for 4 years. I’m not sure if I am being unreasonable in this scenario?

But I’m scared, I’m scared he will come and take them 6.5hrs away and not return them. I’m scared that he will go out of his way to make my life hell, and I’m scared that things are going to get even worse very very quickly. We still have a joint account, the only money I have, I pay everything now, mortgagee, childcare, utilities, everything, he has his own account that I do not have access to. This in itself frightens me and I am working towards fixing this. But if he refuses to communicate with me, should I stop letting him speak to the girls – pretty much use it as blackmail? Should I stop him from taking them? Can I even do that? I fear if I do though he will rack up the credit card and possibly withdraw all cash from the account. He has me in a bind. I don’t want to be the bitter ex, I just want what is best for my children, I want them to have their father in their lives, but I’m watching them grow up right in front on my eyes and every single day they are losing their bond with him, I can’t help but want to try to not let that happen. I’m lost and feel defeated. I just want some outside advice I guess.