I want move interstate but my ex says he wont allow it. We are currently going through mediation and court but its such a long drawn out process. I want out. I want to be in a place financially I will be so much better off. I cant stand being in the same town as him. Recently I had to get a dvo on him because he turned up at my house and tried to spit in my face in front of the children. I cant stand having to bump into him at the shops with his new girlfriend he cheated on me with. Im done. Seriously considering allowing him to keep the children and seeing them only on school holidays. Fact is he is who they want. Over christmas he had them for 2 weeks. It was meant to be a week but they refused to come home. When they did I had 2 screaming kids for 3 hours straight devestated at the thought of seeing me. He can provide for them financially, staying here I cannot. I feel like they are better off to just visit me on holidays or swap a term each (which he wont agree to). Dont know what to do but I cant live like this anymore!
10 Replies
Honey go and get yourself some counseling. You sound like your in so much pain and I think your mis-interpreting what is happening with your children. It is not uncommon for children to cry etc especially if one parent does only fun stuff with all the structure while the other parent does the actual parenting.
Things will get better and i think in the long term you would regret moving away and leaving the kids.
In honesty I have felt the same way recently. Only difference is husband and I are still together. Thoughts crossing my mind of running and leaving the kids with Dad. But in reality I know I couldn't do it. I couldn't wake up every morning without my children.
Every parent is different but I think this is emotional baggage you're holding on to. Not you really believing they would be better off.
Seek help. Speak to a professional about the possibility of moving away without the kids I'm pretty sure it would be a mistake to make that decision while still obviously upset about your past relationship with their Dad.
It's very normal for kids to get like that and it's usually a reflection on you being the one who has structure and discipline and Dad just doing the fun stuff. It is no way indicative of how much your children love you.
Hugs.. I really hope you get to a better place soon.
I feel so trapped and backed into a corner for you. Please seek professional help before you do anything as once you leave them its sooooooo hard to get them back when your in a better position.
If you don't have a court order - I'm pretty sure he can't do anything! As for letting him have them, I think that's the biggest mistake you could make, and you will regret it. If he is abusive (even emotionally) your children shouldn't be in that environment. Don't give up..xx
It also depends on the age of the children if they are at an age where they can have a say you need to take that into consideration too
I'd be wary of a man that felt the need to spit in another person's face. Ive been though a long and drawn out court case, it physically and emotionally takes its tole on your heart soul and body.
Its unlikely you'd get a relocation order - especially an interstate one. I tried and failed :(
Do you feel the children are safe with him and would be well cared for? Just because he can financially provide for them doesn't mean he'd make a good provider . . .kids need more than $$
I'd imagine your entitled to Centrelink and Child Support - look at your opitions, even moving with the kids 1-2 town away might be all you need to stop seeing him and get yourself a new start (obviously im not sure where you are).
seek out a counselor and talk to someone. You could just be a little depressed and over whelmed. hindsight is a beautiful thing and looking back i could see i have depressed going though my court cases.
good luck mamma
Pls seek someone to talk to before you make a decision. The situation you are in is draining, stressful and not fair. Do you have anyone around that can offer you support?
The kids are unsettled because everything is new, they aren't use to the situation and they are probably also reacting to how you are feeling. Picking up on your stress and acting out. At dads noone is stressed out because dad isnt. It's also possible that they aren't as happy/well behaved as you are being told. Even the nicest of people can play games in this situation. Pls stay strong mumma :)
There are days when I think the same thing. It's been 4 years now. My ex stopped me moving away with the kids. We struggle financially and the kids often go through stages where they don't want to be with mummy. Daddy doesn't take responsibility seriously and it's all about giving the kids everything they want when he has them. I still struggle when they come back to me after being at his place even if it's just been for a few hours on a Wed arvo for dinner they still muck up changing back to my place. I have a house to run on my own and I have to work so no I can't just pander them, they have to wait, they have to do as they are told when I tell them to and they have to help out. I have to make them get their homework done, and all the other day to day tasks. He gets them of a weekend when he isn't working and he lives with his parents so has someone else to do the houswwork so all he has to do is focus on the kids. So I come off as the horrible one.
We went through court and in order to help me stay financially the court orders say he pays half their school expenses and before/after school care fees, half their medical expenses, half of one activity each for them per term. As well as child support.
The last few days I've seriously been ready to give him the kids and start over because I'm tired of the battles and I feel like I'm loosing but I have to stay strong and stand my ground. He cannot win. It's not easy but you have to persevere. You are their parent first, not their friend. I readnsomewhere the other day that If your children haven't muttered I hate you under their breathe at least one you aren't doing your job as a parent right.
My mother left my brothers with their father when they separated.in reality it was the best thing she could do for them as she wasn't interested in playing mum, she just wanted to drink and party with all her alcohol friends. (She left me with family when I was less than a year old to do the same). I just don't think she is the maternal type, however now she has settled down she feels guilty about it and my brothers resent her. )all except the youngest). I have on.y just got a relationship with her now.
Just do the best you can but think about what's best for the kids, got to say the fact you have a DVo against him And he thinks it is okay to spit on your face should make you wonder what your kids are going to grow up thinking is acceptable behaviour. And they will learn from Him (I find myself reacting to my daughter the same way my mum did with me and I consciously try to battle that). Good luck, this isn't a light decision.
My heart goes out to you. I think you are exhausted and overwhelmed. When you feel this way you just want to escape. Please go and see a GP and get some counseling. Get some antidepressants if you need to, just to get you thru this tough time. Find out from a lawyer if you can move to another town to give you a bit of breathing space. Keep going thru court it is a long process and emotionally draining but worth it in the end. Focus on you. Repair yourself. It is important for you to cope on your own for a while. It makes you stronger and you will learn a lot about yourself, so one day in the future when you meet someone else you know what you want and what you will not accept from a partner. Try to be organized with the children. When they come home from their father's house they will probably be tired and possibly your ex may be being negative about you to the children. Prepare for this. Have everything organized so when they return to you they can just spend some time with you. Prepare dinner before they come home. Maybe sit down with them and watch a movie. Do not question them about their time with their father unless their behavior warrants it. If they need to tell you about something they will generally just it blurt out anyway. I was you once and felt like you do today. I had 3 children to my ex and I kicked him out due to many reasons. It is coming up to 5 years since I separated from him. I'm going thru court at the moment for a relocation order to move to New Zealand. Today I'm in a better place and I have never forgotten how it feels to be the single parent. I don't know how I did it but I did. You can get thru it too. I'm not perfect and had some very bad days were I felt like just giving up like you, but you can't. Your children need you and you need them. Your a team and you can get thru it together. Nobody can love your children like you can and nobody can ever replace you.