I'm so sick of being just a mum. Cleaning the house every day, same thing as soonas iI wake up to when I go to bed. I no longer want to go out, I mean I don't even have friends to go out with even if I wanted to. All I do is look after dd and hubby goes to work, but I'm going like quite literally insane. He doesn't understand. He thinks its so easy to just go out and get a job and put dd in childcare.. Mind you the waiting lists are 2years+ on majority of child cares where I live, and I don't want to go back to my old line of work as its the same thing as I'm doing at home. Cleaning and looking after children.
Don't get me wrong I love her, I know I have PND, I'm getting treatment, I just can't handle I anymore idk I feel like a complete and utter failure as a human being just sitting doing nothing and then dd gets on my nerves so easily, and I find myself yelling and crying at her ..
I'm at the end of my line.. And I can't cope anymore.. And I feel like I just want to explode and scream and cry and punch shit and like honestly bashing my head against a wall would be better than feeling this right now.
Idk if it even makes sense.. I'm loosing myself.. Crying writing this.. And I am scared.. And lonely..
Just venting idk..
Just venting idk..
Posted in:
Mental Health, Self Care, Parenthood Guilt, Health & Wellbeing, Behaviour, Baby & Toddler
6 Replies
He's right you need to make a change! I know it's not that easy, but keep trying & you'll get there... It's better than staying how you are isn't it. Look for childcare, even with years-long wait lists I found one place & got in. What if you study, look at tafe/ uni crèches, or just a babysitter for q couple of hours twice a week. A friend / family member a few hours too. your husband for a few evenings a week so you can go to classes, exercise, meet friends, or get your hair/ nails done. Look at it as an opportunity, you can do anything you want, work, study, stay home, start hobbies, read, write, paint,take photos.
put yourself out there to make friends, join groups, online groups, mums n bubs, playgroup etc. It takes time but eventually a friendship will grow & you'll have nice days out & be able to babysit for each other.
It's totally up to you, so think what you enjoy & fit it into your week. Treat yourself to coffee, cake, nails, magazines, scented candles, nice oil or bubble bath, small things and don't have to cost lots , but you need to enjoy life again .
And please don't say no I can't it's too hard, that's impossible. I was there & I thought the same, 'you don't understand, I can't find the time', but it's that attitude that's keeping you stuck. depression makes everything a hundred times harder and more negative and not worthwhile even tryin, I get that, but please re read this again with a positive mind & look past the first obstacles that you see & think, what can I do? Good luck.
First of all I think you need to go and speak to your GP or whoever's handling your treatment and tell them all of this. They will be able to help support you.
Have you considered taking up a hobby or something? I've recently taken up the new craze of adult colouring and I find it's great (when I get the time of course!) because I just completely tune out to the world and how I'm feeling and just focus. It only helps temporarily with feelings of loneliness etc but it might help keep you calm and help you focus more.
Also you should look into playgroups in your area if you haven't already. It'll get you out of the house, give your DD child interaction and you adult interaction. I know a lot of playgroups can be daunting and hard to make friends in if you're the newcomer but even if it just means you get your daughter out of the house and you can grab a coffee on your own while she plays. Hell, take her to maccas for that matter!
And just start asking yourself, what do I enjoy doing? If you don't know, google things! Find something that interests you, even just slightly and have a go at it! Cooking, baking, gardening, sewing, scrapbooking, sports, gym, photography, history! Take small steps and at first it might be a hobby of baking cupcakes but eventually it might turn into your own business later down the track or a job at a bakery or something.
Keep your chin up, I know exactly how you're feeling, but right now you need to speak to your GP and be selfish. Give yourself a break, find something you enjoy and things will look up. Good luck IM!
Hang in there. If you need to vent to someone call lifeline. Are you getting some counselling? Are you on meds? It's hard to make changes when you are depressed but sometimes just one small change can make the difference. I'd also suggest that hubby needs to come to a few doctors appointments with you as he sounds like he is clueless!
Do you have some family that can help you with your baby?
I completely understand what you are saying I have two children 5 and 1 and it has been over 5 years that I've done anything for me. Being a stay at home mum ia hard, isolating, physically and emotionally draining, there is always so much too so but at the same time there ia nothing to do. I've had this discussion with my partner that I know he works hard but he gets to see real adults and have real conversations and I change nappies and clean all day. Its hard, I've recently applied for a job so hopefully I get it, I too am going stir crazy.
I think your PND is making it harder for you aswell, I had PND after my first and it was horrible. Once I finally got that cleared and had a healthier heas space it did get easier, I know you said that there is a big waiting list for daycares near you but can you travel a little further? And often they give priority to working or studying parent so look into that. You nees something to keep your mind busy so maybe look into doing a course online, or even part time evenings. You'll feel much better once you do something for yourself, good luck.
I know exactly how you feel. I have 2 kids aged 6 and 4. I spent years driving myself to the brink of insanity, cleaning the house from morning until night. I never put my kids in childcare. There were weeks where I felt like all I did was yell. Clean and yell. Clean and yell. It was a vicious cycle and I was always the bad guy that ended up feeling so guilty at the end of every day.
Take a deep breathe, and start making a list of little things that you can do differently each day to make your life easier and more enjoyable. Here's my list, just things that I myself have done/ am doing to make myself feel a bit more human, and more than 'just a mum'..
- Reach back out to old friends. I know how easy it is to lose contact with people once you have kids. If you have someone you can reconnect with and have an adult conversation with from time to time it can make a huge difference.
- Exercise. I started walking again last year. I used to walk every day before kids, but then it just seemed too hard to leave the house with 2 of them. One day I just said to myself "enough excuses" and started walking. Getting out into the fresh air really helps to clear my head. Join a gym or take up yoga or meditation. Or if you really just want to just punch shit, invest in a boxing bag (you'll feel better - I promise!)
- Take dd to the park. You never know who you might meet. It's a great place to make friends with other parents. Don't be afraid to smile and say hi.
- Stop cleaning. I know right, "haha, you've got to be joking!"... Yeah, there are days when my house resembles a dump, but my kids are only little for a little while and one day they'll grow up and my house will be spotless, and I know if I spent all their younger years driving myself insane trying to keep it clean I would regret it. Keep one room clean at the entrance, in case visitors drop in. Bugger the rest. Do something fun with your daughter instead.
- Hire a babysitter. If you don't have family nearby that can watch dd, hire someone and go out for dinner with your hubby. Spend some quality time together, just the two of you. If you can't leave dd to go out, wait until she's in bed and share a nice home-cooked meal or order takeaway. Men are often clueless to what's going on and how we're really feeling so this could be a great opportunity to reconnect and have a proper conversation, or even just share some of your favourite memories.
- Find something you love to do and make time for it. For me it's art, drawing mostly. I find it relaxing and it also takes me back to my child-free days when I had all the time in the world to draw my heart out. It makes me feel human again, if only for a little while.
- This is a new one to my list. I'm joining a new direct sales company called Jamberry which is about to launch in Australia. Party plan has never really appealed to me but I'm excited about this one and the more I learn about it the more I love. I've already made some lovely new friends through this opportunity and now I'm looking forward to getting started and earning a bit of pocket money! I don't even have to do in-home parties if I don't want to, I'm going to be focusing on online parties to begin with. Maybe something like that might give you something else to focus on? If you're interested you can email me at rockmyjamz at gmail dot com even if you just need someone to chat to, drop me an email, I'm happy to listen.
- Don't make excuses. I used to do this ALL THE TIME. No, I can't go to playgroup / reading time / the park today because the house is a mess and I need to clean it now and by the time I'm done it'll be too late. No sorry, I can't come out to lunch today because I already told the kids we'd do baking / crafts. This is one of the first things I learnt to change. Getting out of the house can do you the world of good and the cleaning and everything else can wait! It'll still be there tomorrow ( lol, literally!)
- Be nice to yourself. This is the one I found hardest in the beginning. You are not a failure! You've tripped, and your falling, but you can stand yourself back up and keep going. You have the power to change your life but first you have to believe that you can! Have a bit of faith in yourself and don't put yourself down. You can do this x
(sorry for the extra long reply!)
I know exactly how you feel. I went through this a while ago and it is horrible. Is there anything you could do as a work from home? Or is there a babysitter service you could employ to let you get a break from being mum? I also suggest if work is not an option have a look at interests you kind of have but never seem to find time to do and ask hubby to take over at night after work to let you have some space. This might lead to new friendships, as might joining a playgroup or two. I absolutely get it though, I can't live a life dedicated to cleaning and childcare. Tried it. Couldn't do it. Beat myself up for it. But if you can find a way to escape the isolation somehow it makes a huge difference.