I feel like I've failed at being a mother. I gave birth to my daughter just before I turned 19. Her father has never been part of her life, he chose to give up his rights to her and whilst he used to randomly come in and out he now hasnt seen her in at least 3 years, not even a phone call on her birthday. When she was 3 I met a man, we fell in love and moved in together 6 months later. I fell pregnant everything was great then once our son was born all of a sudden things changed. He became jealous, posessive, controlling and abusive. Before I knew it I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I rationalised it and made excuses for it and stayed with him. Slowly over time it got worse until it got physical. We had another child and whilst pregnant with our second he hit me for the first time. Yet I still stayed. I cant explain why but I did. Heres the thing, he wasn't just abusive to me he was to my daughter as well. He never once hit her but the emotional abuse was disgusting. He called her 'baby' and 'princess' if she cried. Told her to harden up etc. He would walk in the house coming home from work and all 3 kids would be bathed and fed watching tv before bed he would see my daughter sittinf there with her brothers and yell at her to go to her room, but she hadnt done anything. He just didnt like her. And I was so wrapped in my own shit I couldn't see it. I couldn't see her cower when he and I fought, I couldn't see that her wetting her pants or not sleeping well or acting out toward her brothers was because of him. I stayed for 6 years I finally left in june last year. When i left he refused to spend tine with her. He even told her shes not his problem anymore when she asked if shw could visit him. She is now 10 and is getting in a lot of trouble at school. She is intollerant and incredibly short fused. Shes angry. she constantly tells me she hates me our relationship sucks. Ive tried all I can to get her to talk to me, she refuses to even spend time with me these days. And its all my fault. I didn't protect her. I feel like ive failed her completely and ruined her for the rest of her life. A 10 year old shouldn't have to feel this. If you're in a relationship like this PLEASE I BEG YOU leave for the sake of the children. Even if you dont think its effecting them it is. It its ruining them.
4 Replies
It's great that you left and are encouraging others in the same position toleave. I have never been in a situation like that. But i have had troubled kids acting out, you didn't say if you are getting help for your daughter. But that would be my opinion, to take her to a child phychologist. I don't see it that you have failed. I see we all have lessons. You either learn from them or not. I think you have.
I have a few friends with issues with their preteen/ teenagers and single counseling hasn't worked for them BUT they are both trying family counseling and it seems to be working perhaps you could try something like this for your kids and your self to help them work through their feelings about the situation.
The good news is you can mend it. Check out Circle of Security. She will be ok. There is more subtle observation taking place than we realise with kids.
You are a very brave and now insightful woman for posting your story. Sometimes kids just need to know that parents make mistakes as well. It sounds corny but maybe just sit with her and apologize for the mistakes that were made. She will probably vent and say things to hurt you, but then she may see that you are in pain also. I feel for you and hope that everything works out.hugs for you and yours