Please keep anonymous - I'm an only child and had my first baby 9 months ago, my partner works shift work so I'm alone alot. I do everything myself when it comes to the baby. My mother lives a few streets and doesn't work, her partner works overseas. She has all the time in the world and money isnt an issue but she refuses to have my daughter. Am I wrong for expecting her to watch my baby every now and then so I can have an hour or two to myself or do something that I enjoy doing like grabbing a coffee with a girlfriend baby free? She will agree to watching her then will ring on the day to say she is now busy or it doesnt suit her to have her.. or she will want to know exactly how long I am going to be. I honestly thought she would love to have her grandchild occasionally, after all she is the only one. I guess it bothers me more seeing all my other friends parents and my aunts wanting to have their grandkids and being happy to give their kids a break. Am I wrong for expecting this?? Thanks anonymous.
is it wrong of me to expect my mother to help out with my baby occasionally
is it wrong of me to expect my mother to help out with my baby occasionally
Posted in:
Baby & Toddler
6 Replies
Sounds like your doing it tough. It is hard to do everything on your own. I feel for you. Some women just don't want to be that type of grandparent. Perhaps you were an only child because she found being a mother difficult and is reluctant because of painful memories. Not everyone is confident with babies. My mother wouldn't look after my child until it could go to sleep alone and eat solids independently. Babies stressed her. If you just want a few hours to yourself respite use a day care center and avoid making to many issues with your mother. Maybe she will come round when your child is older and easier to look after.
It is sad but I have the same situation. I have 2 ranging from 4.5 and 18 months - grandparents have had little to do with them even though they live 10 mins away. I used to get soooo upset but now I just get on with it and have resigned myself to no free time or coffee with friends for quite a while. Hang in there - try to enjoy - it is hard but soon enough you will get some time :)
I had same situation bk home in another country. Funny thing is my brother would just drop his kids off with her minimal warning and would always have his girls. I got questioned about where i was going to go,who with,how long etc when i asked for a little babysitting which was once a month but because it was a night out with friends having a drink she frowned upon it..every time!! My friends' mums wish they didn't work so they can look after their grandkids but my mum is a lady of leisure,partner works overseas and they have plenty of time and money...same as ur mum. I ended up finding it was easier to pay a babysitter or wait til hubbie was free and he would babysit..not worth the hassle. I don't think mums are there for full time minders of children and they are not required to look after our kids at all BUT i think its inconsistent and a bit upsetting to constantly say no,be inconsistent or let us down or question our plans when they have said yes. I would personally let the issue drop and find other alternatives. Your mum is the one missing out on grandchild time...her loss
Perhaps your mum is not comfortable with babies? They can be daunting for some people. I completely understand where you are coming from, but it may be worth having a conversation with her. Perhaps she really wants to help you out but the thought horrifies her being alone with a baby hence the last minute cancellations. Do you spend much time with your mum and bubs together? You might discover once your baby is older and able to communicate your mum will become much more involved. In the meantime, like other IMs have suggested try occ care or day care.
Sorry to say, but I don't think your mum owes you anything. I had 3 kids in 4 years with no family and my husband worked 6 days a week, 12 hrs a day. I know it's really hard but you will get through it. I used childcare 1 day a week after #2 and #3. Helped me re-energize. Keep communication open with your mum and maybe ask her to let you know when she would like to have time with your new baby. Good-luck.
I would never 'expect' my mum to do anything. We live in WA with no family so we have had no one to help I have adjusted & we take our little one with us or we go out separately my partner with his mates one night & my girlfriends & I another. I have just learnt that's how it is. I am lucky when I go home my mum or my sister & my nieces want him for the night but we can't always fly home to have time alone. I think you need to ask her if she would like to spend time with her grand baby & not make it because you want to go out for coffee she might be more receptive.