I would like to ask a question. I found out that my step father was not my biological father when I was aged 24, and that my older sisters father was in fact, also my biological father. I had suspected for quite a while, nearly a decade before in fact, that this was the case, but thought it may be wrong and just small town gossip. My sister has known who her real father is her whole life. I find it very hard to interact with my new "family", they are more financially sound than we are or ever were, they come to visit occasionally, but our lives are very different, I don't drink or go out, and am a serious person, they are the opposite. I would like to have a relationship but think it may be too hard, or too late. Recently my fathers parents came to see us and we're singing my half brothers praises, what a good kid he is, never needed any help with anything, so wonderful, and I felt like saying maybe that's because he's already had every possible best start and advantage in life that's set him up to be this perfect person, others aren't they lucky but still turn out quite well. I do know I have a lot of burning resentments about the issue, any advice? I have three kids and they are quite good to them, they live on the other side of Australia and visit very occasionally
2 Replies
I don't think it's too late. I think those stories where people feel an instant connection with there bio family are not as common as people think. I think it will take time, effort and I don't think anyone knows what to say or behave in these situations so there are going to be some faux pars. Also because you are going to be sensitive then someone communicating someones personality (describing someone) is going to come across as judgement against someone else (eg you), when thats not the way its intended.
I'd take things slow. Maybe email, but not expect an instant bond. I'd also get some counselling to sort out unresolved issues. I wouldn't cut things off or anything.
It's totally understandable to be resentful. I'd be surprised if you weren't.
When my Aunty ended her relationship. Two kids. She left the kids with their dad and didn't see them again. You resent the family? Hell. I was 5 when it happened. I resented her. They were my cousins.
Many years later one of my cousins made contact. She came to meet her bio mum. She's now in her 30's. She got to see her once and then my Aunty passed away a year later. After the meet up, my cousin became distant. I think she needed to process what happened. She had a lot of questions and my Aunty told her she'd answer them next time she saw her. She never did. She just struggled to be around her I guess. Who can blame her? Now of course she wishes she had swallowed the bitter pill and just done it. However, your heart can only do what your heart can do.
I know this scenario isn't the same. I just wanted to point out a few things.
Your 'new' family. Is it their fault? Do they deserve the anger? My cousin and I, we are completely different. I'm serious - she's not. I love her anyway. I feel for her. I'm here for her. If her sister ever decides to make contact I'm here for her too.
It's NOT your fault. There is no point blaming. What does that achieve? There is a big chance your 'new' family has the same resentments you do!
I don't know because there is only so much info in your post.
Aside from that. Don't forget your 'old' family who has been there the entire time, but it's not too late. You obviously just have some blocks to get through.