Please bare with me, this could be a long one..
The issue is my mother. I've never really had a strong relationship with her, when I was growing up keeping the house clean and the garden tidy was always more important than spending time with her children. After going through puberty (during which yes, I know I was extremely difficult to deal with) and the loss of a sibling, things have been incredibly strained. My biggest concern now is the toxicity of our relationship in which my husband seems to be the source of her angst (which is completely misplaced).
When we met it was kind of like love at first sight I guess you could say. I moved in with him after about three months of dating and on our first year anniversary he proposed. My parents helped pay for the wedding and everything seemed fine. Then at some point after the wedding my mother started making comments that were completely out of line, but she has to this day refused to admit she dislikes (or from her behaviour, hates) my husband. We have been through every event we can come up with to figure out why she's being so nasty and the only things we can come up with are that I was a bit distant with my parents when we first started dating (I was only 19 and in love!), and he took their only daughter away from them?
He has done nothing but be a gentleman to them and when I've previously wanted to cut ties, he's urged me (and them!) to try and fix things. We've now also moved out of state so I also get the guilt trip that she never gets to see her grandchildren. She's negative, insulting, makes you feel like the worst person in the world, lives in the past and can never see that she's said anything remotely wrong or nasty. Everything is always my fault (or my husband's). I know she has mental health issues and from previous experience she probably isn't getting the professional help that she needs but I think if I said anything, I'd find poison in my dinner the next night.
I have tried talking over and over again and I get the same response (which is basically just platitudes and guilt trips), or I get tears.
I feel guilty even thinking about cutting ties with her but how do I keep up a relationship with her when every time I have to contact her I get extremely anxious and angry? How do I continue to speak to her when every time she has a dig at my husband whom I love dearly?
There is of course much more behind all of this, but that's as short as I could get it..thanks for reading and any advice appreciated, but please be kind!
5 Replies
I think it's time to tell her to get herself some help. If you live away and are considering cutting ties anyway, then I'd give her one last chance. Tell her to get some psychological help, tell her to change her behaviour or You are out! Cutting ties without at least trying to get your mum to get the help she needs would just leave you wondering.
Where is your father in all this?
Ok, ive been through this with my husband and his mother.
First up, can you talk to a counsellor or psychologist? Please dont take that is a negative way but they are so good at being able to help you see what to do, especially when emotions are involved.
If this was anyone else would you still have contact with them? Probably not.
You dont have to 'cut ties' completly but definatly start to back away. You are a grown woman with a family and surely she can understand you need to focus on them.
Call or text occasionally, but keep it neutral. Dont tel her any personal details that she can use against you. You need to break down this relationship and make a new one, one where you are not being manipulated.
This sounds exactly like my mother is towards my husband. I'm so over it. We also live in a different state. Which doesn't help the situation. He is nasty and negative and degrading towards my husband. And has previously come to me stopping any relationship I have had with my parents. It didn't stop the hurt or disgust I felt towards both my parents. I have a relationship with my parents now but would not day it is a good relationship or close one. I would say do what is the best for you and your family.
My mother is very similar, negative, lives in the past, everything is all about her and she dislikes my partner however she is nice toward him these days. I don't think you should disown her, just see her when you can for your childs sake and try be civil you don't have to be best friends but You would regret pushing her totally out of your lives.