Hi ladies, I am in desperate need of advice. 2 weeks ago I had been dating a guy (off a dating site) I'd met up with him once before and texted alot (about 2 weeks of non stop texting) then he asked me out for drinks and asked if he could stay at my house as his parents were looking after his kids for the night and my kids were at their dads - at first I said no I didn't want to rush things and made it clear I had no intentions of sex yet or in the near future to that he said neither did he and he wanted things to be PG but that since he lived quite far away he thought it would save money on cabs etc. so I caved and said yes (he seemed so honest) the night went well we had some drinks and got along really well and I felt very comfortable with him. Then we went home about midnight, when we went to bed he was hard and pushing up against me and I asked him to cool down and he insisted we weren't going to have sex and it was ok - after that he started groping me and touching me and trying to get me to touch him, I kept pulling away and I felt really bad so I kept saying I was sorry and he kept saying that was okay but kept going to the point where he got both our clothes off (I feel like such an idiot because I kept trying to stop him but I never tried hard enough) then he got on top of my and started to have sex with me thats where its fuzzy I don't know if I was saying no in my head or out loud or both and tried again to push him off me and he asked if he was squashing me and I said yes and automatically felt guilty again and said sorry again so he lifted himself higher off me but kept going till he got there - I was crying quietly the whole time and I'm not sure if he noticed. Then he went to sleep and I cried the rest of the night then he left the next day and acted like nothing happened. After he left I chucked out my sheets and clothes I was wearing. My question is was it rape? I kept saying sorry to him so maybe he thought it was ok? I never saw a dr or anything so what would happen if I tell the police (I have been to ashamed to tell anyone because I feel like I teased him by letting him stay the night) what are the chances of actually successfully charging him (or maybe it wasnt rape so I should drop it?) He hasn't texted or called me since (it was 2 weeks ago) what can/will the police say/do I'm so confused right now and he was a sales man I don't trust anymore and took myself off the site I don't ever want to try again I am focusing just on my children from now on - any advice on this situation at all will be muchly appreciated TIA
17 Replies
To be completely honest (and others might think this is too harsh) but I would say there is very little chance of successfully charging him and getting a conviction. If you didn't go get a check up afterward and threw out sheets and clothes you have gotten rid of any evidence. So it's your word against his. Even if you had kept evidence he could say you agreed to the sex and because you have been on a date with him and agreed to have him stay the night. However, I would still go to the police and report what happend. Who knows? Plus he could have raped someone before you or after you and they could ask for your help in making a case against him. He could be on probation? It will be good to have a record of what happend. I think it's also important you go seek help for yourself, the police may be able to help you with this. Have you reported him to the dating site? I would try and have him deleted off the site so he can't meet others. im so sorry this happend to you. It is rape and he knew you didn't want him.
Good luck
I agree with this reply 100%. Definitely tell the police, DO NOT be ashamed, tell people you trust so that they understand why you may be behaving strangely, and absolutely seek some kind of counselling as soon as possible. Don't load yourself up with guilt about this. The guy's a pig, to say the least, and he took advantage of you big time. Get help, take care of yourself, don't withdraw from the people around you, and do whatever you can to name and shame him without getting yourself in trouble. Much love, sweetheart xox
I'm not sure about what the policecan and cannot do for you but I do know having this man's name and details on record will help anyone he does this to in tbe future!
Very important for you to know this was in no way your fault! Would any of our fathers/brothers/husbands etc do this to someone?
Even if you didn't outright say no (by the sounds of it you did) you were clear with body language and more that what he was doing was not ok with you!
On top of that you had been clear at the beginning of the night what your expectations were and where you wanted things.
Please please don't think it was your fault in any way!
I just want to say I'm so sorry you had to go through this! There is no way that what he did was acceptable. It is definitely rape. Yes you went on a date with him and let him stay over (after much pestering from him) BUT that does not give him any right to rape you. Not to mention you had already said that you would not have sex with him. Do not feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong. Please tell someone you trust. Go and see your doctor and contact the police. Who knows how many times this man has done this before. It might of been the first time and he may continue to do so with other women if he thinks he can get away with it. Hugs to you and please seek help.
Agree with the others. I doubt the police will want to pursue it, but it's still rape and worth getting him on file just in case there are others. Together a case like this could be pursued.
It is rape, and get yourself some councilling and be kind to yourself. Don't blame yourself, sounds to me you were plenty clear and there are perhaps self preservation reasons as to why you didn't get more forceful saying no. Everyone reacts differently in these situations. I myself reacted the same as you. The only difference is he got my no, walked away into his room, bashed a wall, and came back with a look in his eye that wasn't taking no for an answer, so despite the fact that someone else was in the room and I could have fought him, I went like jelly and just laid there and cried like you. I have wondered why I didn't fight him off, raised alarm with the girl sleeping in the same room.
We had also been drinking and cuddling earlier, so maybe I felt I 'deserved it' I don't know. But your story just feels like me and so I totally get where you question yourself, but know you did nothing wrong, you had a right to say no, and he should have listened. xx
Sounds horrible! Your story makes me want to give you a hug for what you have been through :-(
Sounds like you are definitely in need of a good talk to someone to help you sort through this. I would not charge him as I assume he would claim it was conscentual and no way to prove otherwise. I would report it just so it is on file as you don't know his past and this could very well not be the first time. As someone else said he could be on parole or anything. He can't get away with pressuring someone actually forcing himself on someone. It is wrong! Hope you find peace with this soon it's not your fault.
Hi this is the poster, firstly thank you for all your kind words they have come as a big comfort to me. The thing I was wondering about that most of you mentioned is reporting him - having his name down on file incase hes a repeat offender which makes alot of sense and I would feel like I've done something about it (I am also going to seek counseling) but my fear is would the police tell him hes been reported because I also worry that he doesn't even realise if was rape because the next morning he acted as though everything was normal and not knowing him well enough to judge how he would take it and the fact that e knows where my kids and I live I guess that is my biggest concern (plus my kids are going through a really rough time because its just come out that theyve been witnessing their dad doing awful things to his girlfriend in front of them so I now as of last weekend have 100% custody so its been a rough couple of weeks which is another reason I haven't told anyone else because theyre concerned about my kids and me already and I don't want them to think I'm going to fall apart) sorry for the novel I just feel very out of my depth on this :( but it certainly helps a lot knowing that you all care xxx
I would definitely have a chat to police about it and ask more about the actual procedure of reporting him. I would imagine they may also have a duty of care to disclose if he is a repeat offender or if he has a history of staking anyone as there would be cause for concern to yourself and kids. Personally I would be super vigilant and not ignore anything that's different or out of place just incase he does decide to retaliate but that's probably my paranoid self LOL! Good luck mumma!
Hi this is the poster, firstly thank you for all your kind words they have come as a big comfort to me. The thing I was wondering about that most of you mentioned is reporting him - having his name down on file incase hes a repeat offender which makes alot of sense and I would feel like I've done something about it (I am also going to seek counseling) but my fear is would the police tell him hes been reported because I also worry that he doesn't even realise if was rape because the next morning he acted as though everything was normal and not knowing him well enough to judge how he would take it and the fact that e knows where my kids and I live I guess that is my biggest concern (plus my kids are going through a really rough time because its just come out that theyve been witnessing their dad doing awful things to his girlfriend in front of them so I now as of last weekend have 100% custody so its been a rough couple of weeks which is another reason I haven't told anyone else because theyre concerned about my kids and me already and I don't want them to think I'm going to fall apart) sorry for the novel I just feel very out of my depth on this :( but it certainly helps a lot knowing that you all care xxx
Just tell the police your concerns when you talk to them. They are experienced in this and will know what to do so that there is no repercussion on you or your kids
I am the one with the similar situation and he acted like we were now an 'item' the next day :S
We sold encyclopedia's door to door and used to practice our spiel in the car and he started talking about 'nappy valley' and other things like that, like he was hoping I got pregnant from it. I quit work the same day and went home.
I guess given we didn't violently fight them, they assume it's OK and talk themselves into the idea that they were just a little persuasive, not abusive? To appease their conscience?? Dunno, sux though :(
The poster again, I am going to go to the police and ask for a woman cop to talk to, and I'll ask her if she can just listen to my story first and my concerns and then ask whats the next step that will make sure my family and I are safe. I just can't work out why the hell I let him spend the night it isnt logical it really scares me how easily I believed what he had said :/ I am waiting on blood tests & swabs to make sure I didn't catch anything and praying that I'm not pregnant
You said you met off a dating site, report him to them, they need to know that he has done this or he may go on to target other women. It is rape if you said no at any point and he knew you didnt want it, which you stated very clearly at the outset. It sounds to me that he has done this before, and most definitely speak to the police the sooner the better, as other posters have said its going to be your word against his, but if you are brave and make sure it goes on record the next women may be able to get a successful prosecution. All the best
I will start by saying how very sorry I am that you went through this.
Second yes it is rape no doubt no question! Doesnt matter what you said what you did, you made it very clear from the beginning you did not want this.
I would be informing police asap! As forthem notifying him they might but I would say they will tell you to get a restraining order I place on him so he can not come near you or your house.
Whether police will do anything is a matter for them to deal with but if they have his name on file it will certainly help in further cases or investigations.
Please seek help. This is not just traumatising right now but if you dont get help to process it all then it may continue to cause issues throughout your life. Not trying to scare you at all just stating a fact.
*MASSIVE HUGS* Know that the only person to blame here is him!! You did nothing wrong!
I once reported someone for something similar (different country though so may be different) basically for me I could just report him which meant his name was on file but he wouldn't know about the complaint unless someone else also made a complaint against him (or presssed charges) or I could have pressed charges and thats where you follow legal action against the person so they'd obviously need to be notified.
Laying a complaint is still good though because if anyone else also complains against him your story will help to show it wasn't the first time!
As far as him not knowing that he did something wrong because he was normal the next day.... I don't buy it. He knew what he did was not ok with you! Also if he thought everything was fine why would he have stopped talking to you? (You mentioned that after the episode you haven't heard from him in 2 weeks).
Any way regardless of if he knew or not he SHOULD have known and maybe if he does hear from the police it would be the wake up call he needs to stop taking advantage of people!
My bet is he knew full well what he was doing was not ok!
Sending lots of love be strong xxx
Hi its the poster here again I have been to the police he has no prior sexual misconduct against him and they have listed what I told them. However they cannot guarantee that he won't b informed as he has complete access to his file at any time he wants and apparently when they know theyve done the wrong thing often they will check with the police to see if a complaint has been made which she said they will often make out the girl was threatening to go to the police because they were unhappy it was a fling and are vengeful & other stories so its a matte of wait and see also if another complaint is bought forward they will inform him
Hi its the poster here again I have been to the police he has no prior sexual misconduct against him and they have listed what I told them. However they cannot guarantee that he won't b informed as he has complete access to his file at any time he wants and apparently when they know theyve done the wrong thing often they will check with the police to see if a complaint has been made which she said they will often make out the girl was threatening to go to the police because they were unhappy it was a fling and are vengeful & other stories so its a matte of wait and see also if another complaint is bought forward they will inform him