I realise what I am about to ask is going to seem ridiculous, which is why I am asking it as it is ridiculous and I want to know how to deal with it.
I'm a first time mum. My baby is going on 4 months. I seem to have this fear of my inlaws spending time with my baby, wanting to come over every week even to the point of not wanting them to have photos of him. My sister in law is coming over from Melbourne at the end of July and I know she will be all over my baby like a rash, which I totally understand as its her brothers son just as much as he is mine, but the thought makes me angry. I'm not sure why! I seem to make up stories in my head about what's going to happen when she gets here and it's driving me crazy! Do I have mild anxiety? While I was pregnant I didn't feel like this. I always sent scans of baby to the inlaws. I loved that they were so apart of it, but then once I had him its all changed and I feel so protective. Last week he was screaming in my MILs arms and I said to her "please pass him here, I will calm him down" and she looked at me and just said "No" then my FIL got involved and said to me "She knows what she is doing". I don't doubt she knows what she is doing as she raised 2 babies of her own. I just wanted my son back as I don't like seeing him upset like that. I'm beginning to dislike my inlaws, which is not what I want. I think about it everyday and I feel sick because of it. Has anyone else felt like this before and if so, what did you so to overcome it. Please don't tell me to just get over it and bite my tongue as its past that point now.
Thank you for your advice.
X
9 Replies
Personally if my mum or anyone had said no to giving back my crying baby I think it would have made me nervous too and would have gotten a firm hand him over! I think your nervous about not being able to assert yourself and nervous they won't listen to you.
I believe you are 100% right. I am nervous about being able to assert myself and I am very worried they won't listen to me or it will end up in an argument. Thank you.
Don't worry I think most of us have been through this. I think it is very important to set certain ground rules for what the grandparents can and can't do. Discuss this with your husband making sure that he understands that your body is still getting used to breastfeeding (if you are) an recovering from the trauma of childbirth so some of what you are feeling may not be the same as before. So in saying that come up with rules together.
I could understand how you would feel when your mil said no to giving back your baby. I personally would have said to her (at that point when I was tired/hormonal etc) that if she does not respect my wishes then she can stop seeing her grandchild. Harsh I know but grandparents often forget that they are not the parents. At the end of the day you are the one who has to deal with the baby 24/7 so your rules are gospel and need to be set from the start.
I pretty much did not let my fil anywhere near my baby as he smoked all the time (as in every 30 minutes) and second hand smoke is terrible for their respiratory system. He didn't see my daughter for 8 months because he wouldn't make the choice to not smoke 30 minutes before seeing her and then washing his hands. It sounds cruel but I would have rather offended him and the family then anything happen to my baby as I would never forgive myself. So in summary you and your husband decide rules about them seeing you guys and the bubs. This will hopefully reduce the anxiety knowing he's there to back you up and also having confidence that something like that is not going to happen again.
Grandparents do not have the right to see and influence their grandchildren, it is a privilege they have (according to doctor Phil!!).
It's quite noraml to have anxiety with your first baby. Sometimes over the most ridiculous things. I do think your feelings are quite harsh. I mean they are the babies grandparents who love him also and want to see him, hold him etc. I would never tell you to just 'get over it' as im sure its a very complicated situation. If it was me I would be honest about your feelings with them. Tell them you dont mean to offend them but you are having anxiety and right now trying to work through it and hope in the mean time they can try and help you feel more relaxed by going by your rules etc. Or tell your husband to have a talk with them. Just say its nothing personal but you are still very attached with the baby and wish to be the one who settles him. Its important you dont hold things in but also important not to be rude to them and to try and maintain a rrelationship for you and baby.
I really feel for you, as I had this with my MIL with my first baby, not as bad with my second because I was more confident and the anxiety wasnt as bad. As hard as it is, you need to be very clear with her about what you are needing. I didnt do this and my MIL would come over my house and just start doing our washing and doing housework when my first was a newborn and would also take her if she became unsettled. I had severe PND and at the time, I found the housework part really helpful but I wanted to settle my baby and not her. My husband had to have a talk with her about the boundaries and that I was the one that would be settling the baby and not her. That is I was wanting help with the baby, that I would ask. After a period of time and once my PND got better, I was able to be a lot clearer with her about what I was expecting from her. It is really tough and I remember the first time I was really clear with her, I was so worried about her reaction but I think she respects me more now for it, that I stood my ground, as she is quite a strong woman! But hey so am I!! It was just hard to see that when I felt so depressed and sleep deprived and completely anxious over minor things. I wish you all the best, I am sure you are doing a great job Mumma xx
I got anxiety after having my son, it started like this- not wanting people holding him.
Then it got so bad I stayed inside all day lost all my friends gained weight which made me feel worse. So I had to get help, I'm okay now still have attacks and feel like I'll be like this forever but I'm defiantly getting better and exercising helps.
Hi, thank you for that. I'm just wondering to go to the GP to get medication or see anyone for your anxiety?
While I agree that your MIL was wrong not to hand your baby back (WTF) the fact you are worrying so much about your in laws and your SIL's up coming visit is not normal and I think you have some anxiety problems. These people are your husbands family and deserve to be involved with your baby and they deserve to have pictures etc. obviously there needs to be some ground rules ( ie if you ask for your baby you get them back ASAP) but please go and talk to your GP about your anxiety.
I know exactly how you feel, my in-laws were very overbearing with my little boy as a baby(now 2). They were constantly in his face and just would not leave him alone. If he was asleep they would wake him just so they could hold him, they would never ask to hold him just take him out of my arms. I don't know how many times i asked for him back when he was crying and hungry but they would never give him to me it was always back to my partner who then handed him to me. Yes i understand that he was the first grandchild and they were excited but there are bounders. Your a new mum and your still learning how to deal with your new bub but you have every right to be anxious, we are built to protect your babies and your mummy instincts are very strong. I don't think i really got over it until my son started crawling and walking cause then he could get away from them and do his own thing. Hang in there, your doing a great job and good luck. (just follow your instincts you know best:-))